Loving Oneself in a Superficial World

It never ceases to amaze me how easily it is to get caught up in the superficial aspects of beauty and popularity. There have been women in my life that leave me feeling sad and empty for them. Priorities, beauty, and social status are what drive them. It's important to remember who we are and what WE as women and mother's stand for. For this I write this blog.

Love is important to our very beings. Love feeds us, comforts us, frustrates us, and leads us in various different adventures we wouldn't have explored with out it. The lack of love can damage and destroy someones soul and self-worth. That does not exclude ourselves. It is so very important to remember to love the person you see in the mirror ... everyday. Feelings of self-worth and respect radiate from that one emotion. A happy successful woman is a woman who has experienced love in her life- the love of herself.

I am plagued by how little we women think about ourselves. Why is that? Why can't we just love who we are. I'm not saying we have to accept being overweight. I'm not saying we have to be happy with a wrong decision. I AM saying we need to love who we are on the inside no matter what. Life isn't about beauty. Being thin. Or even how much money we have or make. Life is about relationships, love, and happiness. How can you feel any of those things if you hate yourself?

The worst thing about not loving yourself isn't the lack of self-respect. No. It's the fact that you can't fully and wholly love another person with all of their imperfections until you learn to love yourself. Ugly, beautiful, fat, skinny, tall, or short. You just have to love you. If you don't like your outer appearance then work on your character. Make yourself a caring "go-to" person. Make yourself known as a hard worker, an avid community leader. There are so many things you can do. Sitting back and feeding your own unhappiness will never benefit you or the other's around you. If you want to love your husband, wife, sister, brother, mother, father, or children then begin by loving yourself.

Media has fed on our imperfections and blown every insecurity out of proportion by displaying what "America" finds beautiful and sexy. This (among other things not relative to this blog) has made eating disorders and self-loathing more prominent in our communities. But it isn't the production companies responsibility to make sure every teenage girl feels happy with her own body. That is OUR responsibility.

Every person is beautiful and unique in very different ways. If we want to help our daughters and other women learn to live full and happy love filled lives we need to learn to live this way first. It's sad that many people feed their emptiness with cruel words and superficial goods. It's time to learn we can do this. Every single one of us can learn to love ourselves. Because like I said before, it's the only way for us to learn to love everyone else surrounding our lives appropriately.

This small little word, loaded with so much more meaning doesn't only affect you though. This gigantic fete, if ever fully accomplished is something I have taken on for myself. And even as I rant and preach I've pondered something very personal about myself ...

I truly respect and love the real me underneath this shell of a body. There may be moments when I feel discouraged or unhappy with my appearance, but I'm learning that that isn't the real me. I'm learning that yes I want to be hip, perky, and carefree again, but that I feel proud of the woman I am becoming. I'm learning that I don't want my daughter to grow up ever feeling less than what she is. The making of a queen.

Not only is my Shaylee Elizabeth beautiful and spunky ... but we are ALL beautiful and precious!

*Disclaimer- I am not speaking about any one woman. Most of the women I know have felt little about themselves at one point or another. I am taking all of my experiences and speaking to all of us in general terms. I hope you enjoyed. Please leave a comment and let me know how you feel and think.

Thanks!
~Nichole!

A Little Paranoid ...

Have I mentioned that I'm paranoid? It seems that every little thing that has ever happened to me has somehow escalated into some huge life changing event. Now when ever a situation arises that I've already experienced I tend to... freeze up.

For example. When I was a senior in high school I was an avid mountain biker. Loved the SNOT out of that sport. It made my heart light and my mind sound. On a spur-of-the-moment moment I went on a 22 mile mountain trail with my family and some church friends. Flying down the mountain enjoying the rush I saw a couple of friends stopped near some large boulders. Apparently not paying enough attention to myself and more attention to the college guy laughing at the rocks I lost control of my bike and hit only one set of brakes. The front set.

What do you think happened?

Well if you guess fly over the handle bars, you are 100% correct! I flew over the handle bars and landed either in the lap or on the head of said hott college dude... and yes. The rocks.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as if I got really hurt or anything. It's the sensation of having no control that seems to haunt me now. As I'm preparing for the 2011 triathlon season I catch myself freaking out over these silly things. A month or so ago Rachel went flying down the road once we hit some hills. I on the other hand rode my brakes the entire time. Where is my edge? I used to be considered careless... even crazy at one point. And now- I'm paranoid?

I woke up two nights ago to a nightmare about my first triathlon. I was in the bike portion of the race. Somehow (and because it's a dream there is no exclamation as to why) the trail ran right onto a freeway. Here I was peddling away amongst angry Seattle drivers late to work. Panic was tight in my chest. If I fall I will die. I really believed that.

And then I lost my water bottle.

Now why I turned around on a freeway to look for a lousy water bottle is beyond me. In reality I would NEVER hunt down a traitor of a water bottle. (Stupid inadamant object trying to sabotage my race.) But in my dream I did just that.

At the end of the dream I rode in on my bike, full of excitement at finishing the bike portion and not giving up. Then the race officials broke my heart. They told me the race was over and I wouldn't be able to start the run. I was disqualified.

WHAT A DREAM, EH? Anyone specialize in what dreams mean? Well, let go out on a limb here and guess that I must be pretty stinking terrified of doing a triathlon!

I need to buck up and not let my silly paranoiances (sp?) hold me back. Because I will do this! I know I can and I know all of you can accomplish your goals too! We just need a little support and a lot more self-confidence and everything is attainable! Even a stupid bike ride. :)

Because WE ARE ALL... B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L.L.

Sweat'n' to Week 26

Sadly no weigh-in for me to divulge this week. I'm starting to feel annoyed that I don't have any new figures to put up, but how can you have a "weigh-in" when the numbers don't change. I still need to be measured though because Iknow my inches have changed. That I can see and feel. The scale may not be changing much but my lean muscle mass has definitly improved for the better.

Last week I bought new jeans and I love them! They're super cute and I don't have elephant butt anymore. Let me explain to you what "elephant butt" is! It's when your pants are so baggy the actually butt of the jeans hangs between you legs while your rear is still located where it's supposed to be. My new jeans make my derrier much cuter now! :)

I also bought a new complete set of underwear. This was not the cheapest venture, however they're soooo compfortable! Now I get to throw out all the old and just bask and enjoy in the new!

Taking this posting in a completely new direction, I have been asked by several different friends what do I do when I work out. When do I do it, and where do I do it. Every week is different, infact almost every season I change it up and do something differently. To answer those questions for right now here's my "week in review!"

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Sunday: (Normally I take Sunday's off, however I was feeling really uncomfortable and antsy so I decided to do something about it.) Jogged 1 mile around my neighborhood. (Under 10 minutes) I would have gone longer but my ankles were really hurting. I'm only learning now that I need to warm up and stretch before I jog. When I got home I stretched.

Monday: Went to an ABS circuit training group class at Experience Momentum (EM gym). Josh watches Rachels kids and Rachel pays for my class fees. I think each class is $10.

Tuesday: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! My stomach and sides felt as if I had been ran over by a freight-train. It was a good pain, just not something I wanted to work through. Plus I needed to let my body heal and repair itself.

Wednesday: We recieved INSANITY in the mail so Josh and I did the fit test. This is about a 30-40 minute cardio workout that tests your endurance.

Thursday: INSANITY fit test with Rachel. Then volleyball clinic for an hour and games for another hour.

Friday: INSANITY cardio core workout. PURE HELL. I actually yelled during some of the work outs to help keep going. It seems a favorite position is either plank or push-up position and doing stuff from there. NOT my favorite position to say the least.

Saturday (today): I will probably go on a 2.6 mile walk with the kids later to help warm-up and loosen my VERY sore muscles.

Here are some pictures to help convey what I look like after a 45-minute suicide work-out:

NASTY & SWEATY!

I was so sweaty- it litterally dripped off of my face.

Showing off the goods...

The smile is totally forced. I was exhausted!

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Friday Loves- Product Previews

This week I was introduced to two fairly new products. When I saw both I was a little confused as to WHY anyone would want either of them, but I am slowly learning to appreciate them for what they are worth.

I am going to dedicate my "Friday Loves" to these two products!:

When you think of insanity what is the first thing that comes to your mind? A crazy lady. You after a day with teething/ sick/ angry children??? Or working out? (...and yes this is me. We all have our not-so-pretty moments. This just happens to be one of mine! )

Well apparently someone somewhere thought of something completely different when they heard that one four-syllable word. Apparenlty this person thought of... PAIN!!! When my husband was invited to practically kill himself with some work friends for 60 days he jumped at the prospect. Why? I have no idea. I guess I wasn't what he needed as motivation to get his body in gear. But the truth is... Ryan and Nick- You guys really have done something great! Josh is actually excited about doing something- even if it does make me want to claw my eyeballs out in pain!

So for our five year wedding anniversary I told him he could find the best deal out there and buy it online. I also told him not to argue about it because if he doesn't buy it himself, I would just go buy it for full price- which ranges over $150. Excited and feeling competitive he scrolled through amazon.com and ebay and found a brand new extended program version for $69! Instead of bidding on it for a lower price, he just bought it straight out!

I've done the fitness test twice, and he's started the program. IT HURTS. That's all I can say right now. My armpits hurt, my pectoral muscles hurt, even my stupid ankle muscles that I detest so much are hurting. I'll let you know as we progress how I really feel about it! :)

I saw something else this week that completely boggled my mind! Five finger Vibram shoes. They are what they sound like... TOE SHOES! .....

Do they not look like gorilla feet???? WHY? Is all I can think when I see these suckers. And in real life, I just laughed for a good 10 minutes.

I guess they're actually really good for your feet. Not only do they kind of remind me of aquasocks (water shoes) but they're universal. They can be used for running, swimming, AND rock climbing.

Society and fashion has slowly transformed how we are supposed to walk/ run into trying to make our bottoms look good. Did you know you aren't supposed to focus all of your weight on your heal? It's mostly designed for balance? I didn't know that and my feet can attest that I've been running incorrectly!

Rachel bought this exact pair (up above) and I was there when she put them on for the first time. Like I said, I'm a little confused by them. I guess I'll have to try them on before I can actually say if I love them or...HATE them! HAHA! As it stands I'd rather watch Rachel wear them while I suffer along in my crappy shoes for now.

For now! :)

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Have you seen any new products lately that are directed towards a healthy lifestyle out there? If so I want to know! isntshebeautiful@hotmail.com

Holy Midnight... (*Warning- Some may find photo's offensive)

It's almost midnight and I just can't seem to drag my body to bed. Why you wonder? Well, let me tell you. I AM SO SORE! Holy freckles I can't believe how much a body can go through and still continue on. I can't believe how much I've done and still tip the scale over 200! I am amazed.

So let me fill you in a little bit!

Tonight was pretty intense. I haven't been to an actual workout "class" in almost three years. And the last ab class I've been to? I was 21! Well, that was all changed when I entered the doors of Experience Momentum with Rachel. I was excited, but a little nervous. When I walked into the room my nervousness turned into feelings of intimidation. I do not enjoy being this heavy- hence me working out to lose the weight, right?! It's even worse when you see awesome athletic women... in the same mirror reminding you what you weigh! I hated seeing myself, however I will admit the mirror's purpose totally helped me out. After I got over the gagging and nausea at my sorry attempt of pretending to know what I'm doing I used the mirror to help perfect my form. I definitely got a great work out in. My tummy can attest to it!

Something else I've been working on through out the day is a little self-motivation. I read somewhere earlier that visualization techniques can really help someone attain their goals. Finding pictures of what you want to look like, or would rather not look like and then posting them around your home can actually jump start your brain into actually believing you are beginning to look like your goal.

Anyone have a problem with that??? I sure don't!

So. I've been searching online for pictures that I feel best symbolize my animosity towards being overweight and what I'm yearning and aiming for in this journey. While searching for these pictures I really tried to keep it as realistic as possible.

The two pictures I chose to be what I don't want to look like may appear humorous, but they weren't picked for that at all. I hate my stomach. I feel as if my stomach resembles the old woman's protruding gut. The naked backside may seem awful (I DID edit this picture!) but when I look in a mirror, that's what I see!

These two shots will be my reminders when I grab a few of my children's snacks.

And then there is the wonderful beautiful women I chose as my inspirations! I didn't choose the flat stomached super model. Nor did I choose the large breasted porn star! I chose an everyday clean looking young woman.

This is attainable! This can be me in two years ... to a point of course! I may still have some loose skin and of course stretch marks. But those aren't marks of ugliness. NO! They're the markings of a mother. The markings of a woman who worked hard to become healthy.

The markings of a warrior!

Okay- all corniness aside, training for next triathlon season has definitely given me some new insight.

Look at this picture of Hillary Swank. How beautiful is this photo? I LOVE IT! Now I don't ever want to be 15% body fat, and I don't want to jump that high off the ground ... in sand or grass! I just want to be able to run as fast as I can and not worry about falling and completely destroying my rib cage because of the weight of my own body.

Hillary Swank- this photo inspires me! You are beautiful!!!

Who else is beautiful you wonder? My work-out buddy turned best friend! Rachel ran her first triathlon on Saturday. I was so proud of her. As I watched and rooted for her on the sidelines I could actually visualize myself right behind her. I'd say right beside her, but we both know that will never be the case. I'm not quite competitive enough for that! :)

I love that she's smiling as she tears down the hill at the end of a 14 mile bike ride!

...And although she may not be sprinting like a wild mustang as the photo of Ms. Swank may look like- Rachel definitely held her own on her way to the finish line!



She did such a great job. Sadly I didn't get any "great" shots of her. Having two toddlers running around and too slow of a camera made it difficult. She really looked great and came out on top!

I'm so proud of you Rach!!!

So while Rachel was running her crazy first triathlon I walked 6 miles round trip completely lost trying to find the lake front. Stressing out worried I'd miss her I hustled myself across Kirkland. I even had a couple of the "volunteers" raise their eyebrows at me when I would ask how far to the race. Several of the answers usually included miles-plural.

I didn't let it discourage me, though. And so Sunday (and even today!) Rachel AND I are both sore!

**Here's to feeling great! And I hope you all find some visualization that helps uplift you in your personal struggles and journey's. With the help of each other and the Lord... everything is attainable!

Friday Loves ... and Not So Lovelies!

Wow- has it really been this long since I've done one of my "Friday" blogs? Apparently Fridays have been busy busy busy for me! Last Friday I had the worst migraine- and am actually feeling another one creep on so I wanted to type this out before I become too incapacitated!

So here it goes!:

I love how long my hair is getting and how it can make my face look thinner!
I HATE how often my bathtub has gotten plugged. Apparently I shed worse then a stupid sheep!

I love playing sports- although as everyone probably already knows I don't have a true athletic bone in my body!
I hate how every time I hustled at the volleyball game last night my shorts took the plunge, helping me miss the hit. Notice how I said, "help me miss the hit" because truth be told I would have missed the ball anyway! HA! (I enjoy pretending to know what I'm doing!)

I love feeling as if my legs are in shape!
I hate when I realize how wrong I am when new muscles tend to show up in times of need! Holy cow- I didn't even know there should be muscles on the inner side of my legs/ ankles. Apparently I should do some more calf raises, eh?

I love that I bought new pants last night!
I hate that they're so spendy! I couldn't find anything that looked good on me for less than $30! Again I say- WHY do designers make such raunchy fat clothes? What fat girl wants her flabby butt hanging out the top? Oh and don't get me started on the muffin top! Seriously people? Low-rise and belly flab are NOT HOTT! Just sayin'...

Oh! And I'm super excited that I'm only 1 pant-size away from fitting into American Eagle jeans! Yay! I LOVE American Eagle... it's been awhile since I've thrown out my favorite pair in a frustrated weight gain rage. I can't wait to be reunited with my blue jean loves!

Butt-pockets! Is there anything cuter? I LOVE my butt pockets! Don't forget the button! Makes all deflated tushes look round and sexy!

Belts! Can either make or break an outfit. I have had some pretty gnarly belts in my time. Can you tell that I'm super uber stoked that I'll be able to dress fashionable again?! And by that I mean- NOT old lady floral designs! HECK NO! I'll definitely need some help on the up and up with what's in today... but I doubt I'll have a hard time finding some girly friends to help me. :) It'll be a party!

I love that I can now run 2 miles in 14 minutes!
I hate that it was on an elliptical. I'm such a cheater! haha! I'm sure pounding the pavement will still take me 20 minutes. My ankles are so weak- bringing me to...

I hate my ankles!
They are the reason I hit a wall on the basketball court at 14 and wandered all over the gym in tears w/o any recollection of who or where I was- DURING a game. I have to admit, probably not one of my proudest moments.
They (the ankles) are the reason I fall off all curbs and usually scream like a fool in agony!
They (yes, the ankles) are the reason I never became some track star... I KNEW I'd kill myself.
Can you feel the love? NO? Hmm... perhaps I should work on that!
Never the less- I need to work on my ankle strength before the next triathlon season or I won't make it there alive. Trust me. My too-small-for-my-height ankles are out to get me. It's a sad sad truth that I've only now come to realize.

I loved going to the zoo with my family last Monday...so much fun!
I hate that I looked like a tourist from the 50's in my purple and green plaid shorts. Yah- those were so two years ago.
However on the flip side! I love that I fit in them again!

I love the Cheesecake Factory!
I hate the price! Holy bolgna! Not only did it cost me $40 alone- I gained 2 stupid pounds! I've obviously worked it back off... but seriously? Expensive eating should be less fattening then fast food, right? WRONG! :S

Remember how I hated my plaid shorts? Well I wore them into some fancy schmancy cream store in the Bellevue Mall with my friend Karena. I felt like such a slob. The girl offered to give us hand massages and told us how she would never want to give a "poor" person who doesn't groom a hand massage because of how gross their fingers would be. I was so self-conscious the entire time. She was super gorgeous!
I LOVE how she asked me how old I was when I talked about my babies... and when I told her she almost fell off her chair!
Apparently I look 20- not 27! :) I'll take that! I guess my face skin isn't falling off the bones after all, eh?! HAHA!

.....Well other than getting hit on by a couple of guys nothing else exciting has happened to me. And even getting hit on wasn't all that exciting, mostly awkward because it's been like 5 years since anyone other than my husband has even tried to flirt with me. I just turned purple and actually began sweating. HA! Good thing I'm already married because I don't think I'd make it in today's dating World. It's so much more ... cut throat. And I'm pretty much a wuss. :)

I hope the rest of you have a grand-weekend! And to the women of my Ward... I'd better see you next Thursday on the court! If I can do it- what's stopping you?!

Goals and Prizes at Week 24

Okay- enough is enough I say! I'm tired of living in the fast lane. Acting as if I'm in my early 20's with out a care in the World. Going out with friends, hitting up fancy restaurants, watching crazy movies, and not watching myself. It's quite the addicting lifestyle, and man does it kill the pocket book. Not to mention the "caloric" intake!!!

Again I say: Enough is enough!

So I've come up with a solution. We'll see how well it'll work. I'm going to give myself a handful of small goals, and list the "prize" for attaining each goal right here. It's all about accountability, correct?!? And I have to admit not having anyone hold me accountable for the last two months has left me feeling somewhat- stranded.

I've learned the tools, now I need to just keep to it and remember this is all for me and my beautiful babies.

So here are my small goals for the next little while. I'm also going to include some larger goals but never fear- once I've achieved these I'll make some new ones with new little surprises!

I am currently (it's now week 24) still sitting at 240. I have been bouncing between 242 and 240 since the beginning of end of June.

238- (Milestone! I weighed this much when I got pregnant with my son!) Professional high-lights with some auburn low-lights put underneath. Yup! I'm super excited and need to lose those TWO pounds!

234- New jogging clothes and have girls night- anyone game?

229- 40 lbs lost! Massage and Pedicure

225-221- Run several triathlons! (Hopefully this can carry me to the rest of my weight-loss. )

Josh's 10 year class reunion will probably be in June next summer so I imagine I'll be around here with my weight-loss... I'll buy myself a pretty dress. :)

222- (Milestone- I weighed this much a year after we got married. Our first year of marriage was pretty typical therefore a lot of weight was gained.) New Clothes

219- 50 lbs lost! Donate my hair to locks of love and have an A-line style... I'm pretty nervous about this! Also- another girls night?

209- 60 lbs. lost (2/3rds done!) Something big... perhaps a concert or what ever Broadway musical is showing! I would also like to have family pictures taken.

199!!!- Under 200 pounds party!!! Totally throwing a party... even if it is lame! :)

189-180- COMPLETELY NEW WARDROBE! And of course- PICTURES!!

AND THEN... probably get pregnant! HAHA! Then start all over again, right?! Unfortunately this is going to be an on-going battle for me but I KNOW I can succeed. Once I lose all this weight I'm either going to go back to school and get my Master's in nutrition or perhaps find a different route to help implement some sort of program that can help women and girls with eating disorders- primarily over-eating.

Because believe it or not- that is a pretty big issue my friends. Lets nip it in the bud! :)

Lets see how long this takes us all guys because... I can't do this without you!

Ps. Sorry there aren't any pictures- my "simple" down loader is actually not being so simple at the moment. I'll come back and edit this posting a little later. Thanks for reading!