Day 14 VLOG Analysis...

Hey everyone! If you have 10 minutes I strongly encourage you to watch my video on the Paleo Challenge I have been doing. :) If you have't seen me in a while, it'll be a nice little refresher on how DRAMATIC I am. Goodness watching myself on camera is a little... awkward. hahaha! 

Enjoy! 

Here's the link in case it doesn't work. :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5EywDV0DRo&feature=youtu.be

A Reminder... For the New Year...

I know I won't finish this post tonight before I completely zonk out for bed. I just may fall asleep here as I am typing this to you... but I felt it was important for myself to write how I am feeling. right. now.

Tomorrow I start the paleo diet... or rather in 50 minutes. I am really looking forward to it for only one reason. I will go into that more thoroughly in a moment.

This moment, as I am sitting here typing this I am sick. My stomach feels fat and bloated and over all just not healthy.

I'm dizzy and feeling jittery.

I almost feel as if I am going to pass out.

I have that horrible bile feeling rising up in the back of my throat- and I'm getting the cold sweats. You know the feeling, right before you vomit.

And here's the kicker- I am not sick.

Not in a contagious way anyway.

I am sugar crashing. HARD.

For some reason I thought it would be so much fun to binge and eat as much as I could and get all the munchies "out" of my system- enjoy the junk before I pack it away.

WELL GOOD GRACIOUS... WHY DID I DO THAT?

Now I'm just SICK. And fat. And totally gross feeling.

UGH.... So this is me REMINDING myself WHY I decided to go paleo in January for 30 days.

It's to get THIS nasty feeling OUT of my system. I need to PURGE these cravings and detox from everything I yearn for but everything my body revolts against. I need to take back what is mine, and that is not just my body- but also my will power.

I am so TIRED of feeling out of control. Believe it or not folks... just because you lose a lot of weight does NOT mean the journey is over. My journey is FAR from over. I hit some hiccups in the road that actually extended my journey out even farther and so here I proclaim it:

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Take CONTROL Nichole. Take ACTION Nichole. THIS IS YOUR BODY.

THIS IS MY BODY.

And so in now 42 minutes- I will begin a new chapter in my journey... and I will document it for all to read about. I may do a vlog towards the end- all of my camera's are dead right now. (HAHA- GO FIGURE EH? Not like I'm not a photographer or anything?)

So here are my stats- please don't judge as it is honestly harder to put up that I have gained then it was to initially say how large I started out at.

Paleo Diet Stats BEFORE::

230 POUNDS
6 ft.
Size 16/18
Work out stamina: medium although I feel super sore more often then I had when doing Insanity. Definitely not as fit as I was one month ago. :/

I will take pictures- but won't show those until I have after's.... for obvious "I'm still a girl with some pride" reasons... HAHA!

Thanks for taking this journey with me. I will need all the support I can get!
Love Nichole

Ps. I totally finished my post in time! :) haha!

T-22 Hours till RACE DAY!

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I have bile rising up from the back of my throat as I sit here and type this...

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I may or may not have IBS just THINKING about tomorrow and the triathlon.

I would lying if I didn't tell you I may or may not have almost jumped into a pile or boulders yesterday to avoid tomorrow all together. (Don't worry, it was mostly on accident when me and two girl friends floated the river last night... ha!)

And I definitely would be lying if I didn't tell you that even with all the fear and horrible side effects of the stress, I am SOOOO FREAKING STOKED AND PUMPED it is OUT of this World!!!

Soooo... YEAH. That's pretty much how I feel about tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck y'all. Cause my bowels could use it. :)

Love Nikki

Who Needs It...

After making my commitment to FINALLY complete a triathlon I signed up and paid my dues. Being quite the penny pincher, I may have gotten a sharp pain behind my left eye paying the late fee's for the Sprint Triathlon. But I did it ...

and now I'm scared to death.

My race is now a week and a half away. And so now I am sitting in my recovery weeks but not before I pushed myself real hard this last week.

My friend Cassie pushed me pretty hard to ensure my endurance can with stand this battle of the mind. I ran my first 10K- well to be honest it was 6.6 miles. I averaged a 12 minute mile. Could I have done better... maybe in another year. I'm proud of this run. The furthest I have gone before this is just over 3 miles. (I think I may have run 4 miles before but eh... I don't remember. haha!) And I have to keep reminding myself NOT to compare my times with other people because the truth is... I have only been doing this like what? 6 months??? lol! I think I should just chill on how long it takes me :)

Last night I rode the 14 mile course that the tri will use. I ended up actually going 15 miles. And let me tell you-  my "who who" ain't feeling it. I have decided that no amount of money is enough to protect this fragile part of my body. I mean really... who needs it?

ME!!! I DO!!!

So after bawling my eyes out to Cassie as we ran 1.5 miles after the ride, I decided to buy myself a gel seat. bahaha! How embarrassing. I bow my head in shame. I will also be getting a pair of bike shorts to wear.

I'm gonna guard and protect those parts of me come hell or high water!!!

So as mentioned above, this next week and a half will be my recovery week(s). I will go on walks and continue to zumba like I normally do. I will also swim a lot. I may go on one more short run before next Wednesday... but I have learned- I GOTTA STORE UP THE ENERGY!

 

So until then, I challenge everyone to make one huge physical goal for yourself to accomplish in the next year. Challenge yourself- pick something you have always wanted to do but haven't felt you could actually do it. Because please- If I can do it... really, you can too. :)

Thank you to everyone who has been pushing and rooting me along the way. As tedious as this is... it is a journey I am so happy to be on.

Love Nikki!

When You Change...

It has been a long time since I have sat down and actually decided to write something for the whole World to see. My journey has continued and I have done quite well actually, with this journey. I have officially lost 57 pounds and am able to play the way I have always wanted to do. I even cut my hair off and made myself look the way I feel- sexy.

But with a change this huge there are other changes that come along the way. Not all of them are what you expected, nor are all of them good. Most is good... but not all.

I'm sure many of you have heard of "fat girl brain." Let me tell you... it is real. I am still very much the same size in my mind as I was when I started out. I was 279 when I began documenting my weight and a size 24 at 6 feet. Today I am 222 pounds and a size 16 at 6 feet. I could barely squeeze into booths at a restaurant and always wore things that didn't fit correctly to hide my true form. I was always tired, cried a lot, and couldn't run a mile.

A lot has changed.

But to me- nothing has changed.

When I'm out running alone I can push myself, but only so far. I give up. "I can't do this" I think to myself and stop. But when I'm out running with my friend Cassie I can go 3 miles. Why can't I do that alone?

The hardest part about losing weight is trying to find out who you are in the process. I have always been very outgoing and active. I love to be a little crazy and explore. I love to challenge myself and lose myself in the moment. Becoming this person again has definitely been difficult when it comes to some of my relationships. People I met when I was at my largest point knew me as "that" girl... and expected me to stay "that" girl. THAT was never who I was. Getting back to me has strained relationships which I never anticipated. You don't just get smaller when you lose weight, you heal. You heal emotionally and mentally. You become stronger... and generally more confident. You stick up for yourself more and put up with less. This is a GOOD thing. But not everyone agrees.

My hardest struggle lately has been in the decision to actually go through with my goal and promise to myself over three years ago and ACTUALLY do a triathlon. I have a lot of support and great friends involved. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck with the fat girl brain. I'm stuck with my confidence. And I'm tired of competing for everything.

I understand this is for me. And I understand that I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be an athlete. My time will not be the best. In fact I MAY be the very last man standing. And I think I'm okay with this. What I am NOT okay with is being asked what my time is and then have it rubbed in my face how much better everyone else did.

Granted I don't know that that will happen. It's a fear I have though. I'm sure it is an irrational one at that too. But it is still a very real fear. One that has taken control for way too long.

And so with this- I am committing.

I WILL sign up for the August 10th sprint triathlon.

I am scared, angry, and tired... BUT I WILL DO IT.

And to all the haters out there... I know where that comes from. I know your insecurities. I still love you for it... and when you are ready to get to know the REAL me, I will be there waiting.

Love a girl who knows YOU ALL have it in you- because trust me... going through what I have been through- If I can do it. YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN DO IT TOO!

 

 

My LONGEST Non-scale Victory YET!

I have been waiting... DAYS... to announce my HUGEST Nonscale victory EVA! :) Okay, maybe not the biggest ever in the whole wide World, but definitely one of my biggest physical accomplishments.

 

On Monday I warmed up for 15 minutes by walking with my friend Cassie. Part of our warm-up includes a HORRID hill that is practically STRAIGHT up. It takes about 10 minutes to hike this baby.

 

After our wretched WARM UP Cassie MADE me run. I ran to the corner and started slowing down (this is near a mile mark I think?) and she goes, "I don't think so, Nichole. What part of LONG run did you not understand?" Smirk smirk.

 

I may have yelled a profanity at her. I may have smacked her butt or even punched her arm. I don't really remember because at that moment, my World SHATTERED!

 

As we ran DOWN another BLOODY HILL she hollared out to me, "Don't even think about stopping my friend!"

 

Again with the yelling and terrible friend attitude.

 

She eventually told me we were going all the way to her house. NO STOPPING.

 

BLOODY HELL CASSIE! I'm a FAT girl! Whatcha thinking????

 

AND THEN... I made it to her house. Full of spit and vinegar and sweaty clothes. Guess what she does to me. The unspeakable.

 

She challenges me.

 

"By the way, I'm not stopping until you do..." she says.

 

"Fall. Just trip and fall." I said.

 

So there we were, passing her house and my sanctuary from this painful nightmare.

 

I started counting- out loud.

 

"ONE. TWO." breathe in. "THREE. FOUR." breathe out. 

 

FUNNY RIGHT? Well... I was actually screaming this at the top of my lungs. I was trying to mortify her. In the end I was the one that looked ridiculous when several teenage girls I hadn't noticed walked AROUND us.

 

Wow. EPIC FAIL, Nichole.

 

But in the end Cassie pushed me further than I have EVER ran. Had we both not had to all of a sudden go to the bathroom I'm sure she would have pushed me all the way to my home. (A mile away from her house.)

 

So the numbers?

 

Cassie made me run 2.58 miles.

 

MY FAT BUTT ALMOST RAN A 5k!

 

Now what have YOU got to say about that?!

 

NON-SCALE VICTORY BABE-AY!!!!

  

I've posted this several times- this is my all time inspirational pic. I love Hilary! 

 

 

Apple Bottom Jeans...

Happy Monday everyone! I am so stinking pumped about everything that happened this weekend. First off we went out with some friends and went to dinner, then bowling... then to DQ's. lol! It was so much fun! And all for my hubby's 30'th birthday. *la'sigh*

It's a sign of the times y'all... when bowling makes for an epic evening. And yup. I said epic. :)

First off Red Robbin is such a yummy burger joint. Uber yummy! Yummy to my tummy, yummy.

But I with held and restrained myself by getting the blt croissant and a side salad. I only ate half of the blt and guess what- that made it only 330 calories. Way to work it, Ms. Nichole.

And yes, I did just cheer myself on.

But one of the most exciting parts leading up to our date night was the fact that I fit into my size 18 jeans that I haven't worn in YEARS! And even then... it was only when I had spanks on.

No spanks then! And yes... I have a serious apple bottom. What ev. I'm resigned to the fact that I will always have a Kardashian booty- and I'm okay with that. ;)

This is my hubby and I eight years ago... almost exactly- showing off our bottoms for our engagement pics. haha! And once again, an apple bottom. It is what it is... :)

Continuing on... this morning after my mad dash through hell to the dentist with all three of my children, I weighed in. I'm pretty sure one of the reasons I did so well with my weigh-in was because of how profusely sweaty I was from the stress of making sure no one got lost at the office. Note to self- never take a 5 year old, 3 year old, and 1 year old into a dental office with a HUGE @$$ GINORMOUS stroller as the restraint. It don't fit... and ain't nobody got time fo' dat!

Between me getting sandwiched in the hallway and Lyndi flinging her bottle around hollering at the top of her lungs I was mortified and had the great lakes spewing out of my arm pits. Luckily I was wearing my work out clothes. Sadly I went to the gym AFTERward.

Eh. I'll let the dentist believe I went to the gym and got funky before hand. No shame in that.

But enough of my skirting around my numbers though. I lost another 2 pounds. That puts me at 242 pounds with a 37 pound loss. YIPPEEEEE!!!!

And I lifted weights by myself in the cardio room with the big dogs. I may have been just a little intimidated by the mere muscle mass around me... but I pumped me some iron anyway.

Big bootie got it GOIN' ON- and if my bootie can handle it... I know yours can too!

Pretty much the most flattering picture of me... ever. Take it and run my friends. And if this doesn't fuel your fire, then I can't help you. Nobody can. You're a lost cause. Give up.  Go see a therapist. :) haha!

 

Anyway, I hope you all had a great weekend too- filled with lots of rewards and happiness.

 

Love a mama that knows YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

More Than Just a Number?

Holy Hannah. I have had a revelation in the last two days.

 

I am not ALONE.

 

Huh. Who'd a thought?

 

I started following this blog KTJ Weighing In, and just yesterday she started her own facebook group page. So of course I had to join, right? Who isn't curious to see who else is out there? Well, I was very excited to learn that there are several other young women out there that are JUST like me. Like, scary amounts of similarities. Made my heart happy. ;)

 

One of the things that I really admire about KTJ is she holds a linkup once a week  called non-scale victories.

 

Hallelujah!

 

Someone who rejoices in more than just the number.

 

I think I can handle this!

 

So here it is my Pretties. My non-scale victories! (NSV)::

 

1. I dragged my lazy butt out of my house yesterday and hit up the gym! (By myself! Gotta be my own supporter, remember?)

 

2. I didn't stop by DQ and get myself the most AMAZING chocolate chip mint milk shake.

 

CELEBRATE IT FOLKS!!!

 

3. I am fitting back into my pants... AND... need a belt. Oh yes. The small victories. :)

 

4. We made dinner before Josh had to go to mutual last night. Yum- and it was GOOD!

 

5. Shaylee let me put her hair into pigtails. (This is worth mentioning... EVERYTIME!)

 

6. I drove over Snoqualmie Pass TWICE two days ago... to take my mom to visit my sister and her family. And I didn't crap my pants! WOOT!

 

ALWAYS celebrate clean underwear folks. Always.

 

and 7. I put myself out there and joined this KTJ group and met some amazing hot mama's out there.

 

And with that, we are gonna rock it!

 

Because we are ALL beautiful!

 

~Nikki

The Sweetest Thang...

                                                                                                                                         THAT'S ME! V


Happy New Year every one! :)

In closing to 2012 I am going to confess something...

The GLADIATOR Challenge was the WORST thing I have EVER done! I think I killed myself... seriously. I never worked so hard in my life. Ever.

Think about it here.

In one week I went to like 4 strength training classes. YES YOU READ IT RIGHT FRIEND. FOUR!!!!

What ever happened to giving a specific muscle group a day of rest? Well... wah wuh. That is why I am sitting here with my head hanging low announcing that.... my team did not... make the cut. ACK!

But the challenge DID do something for me. Oh yeah.

It taught me I am a SORE loser. Festering, stinky wound type of sore!

I have been to the gym TWICE since being wiped off that board like a dirty wash rag. Um. Yes. And it was MONTHS ago.

Okay, well now that I am done wimpering about it I can move on and say, "Happy New Year!" And with that I have NEW goals! Yay! But of course they are still pretty much the same since I have yet to lose all of my amazing grandeur self! Yup. I went there. I am GRAND!

1. Eat healthy... and teach my family how to eat healthy... and be HAPPY about it.

Eating healthy isn't a life sentence to hell. But somehow my mind gets all muddy and I feel depressed at the thought of pushing aside the cookies to make room for the collared greens. ICK.

2. I'm not in this to become a super model...

 I mean heck- I probably could have been one at one point in my life... but that was pre-hubby and definitely pre-babies! Now I will only ever be type-casted as an ogre. LOL... words someone has actually said to me. Woot! Bring on Shreck baby!

... But I am in this to get a healthy respect for myself and food. I AM BEAUTIFUL DANG IT! Why do I NOT still see it? Harrumpf.

3. And finally... I need to find happiness in all the little things.

For some reason "The Sweetest Thing" just started running through my head.

Soooo.... Here's to 2013. Hopefully I write in my blog a little more consistently. I also started a facebook group page that I and a friend head up called  "Super Moms Making Lifechanges." Yeah yeah... there's a typo. I can't change it and it is KILLING ME! I'm OCD. This is definitely not in harmony with my soul.

FOUR!.... Let loose of my OCD TENDANCIES!

Dear lord. You would think it is the end of the World. ;)

Oh wait. We already surprassed that, didn't we?

And with that I bid you adue! And c'mon! Share your goals with me already! ;)
(Ps. My hubby just shared his with me and we had a great big laugh. He wanted (past tense) to accomplish 1,000,000 push-ups and sit-ups in a year. Lets do the math shall we? That is 2,739.63 a day folks. A DAY!!!! BAHAHAHA! Yeah- that's pretty funny!)

Love Nikki!

Starting Over...

Hello hello my dear readers. And so it has began... and I can hardly move my arms to type this due to HARDCORE working out! :) Yesterday my husband and I weighed in with some new freinds to start off a Spring weight-loss/ lifestyle change contest. Can I tell you a secret? I think I might have punched the scale. I mean... it had to be off right? There's NO WAY I'm back at where I started again. Just no way.

Well, alas it is the sad truth. I have to start over. I know some of you are probably thinking, "eh... no biggie, you know you can do it."

While other's are probably thinking, "YOU IDIOT! How could you do that to yourself again?!!!"

And then there are those who are with me in thinking, "HOLY CRAP BATMAN. I have to do THAT all over again??!" Boy am I in for a ride. *insert face palm here*

Last year I got down to 234.

Right now I'm at *cough* (I will divulge in a week... lets just say I AM starting over.)

And lets add that HOODIES are NOT my friend right now...

My husband is coming along for the ride this time too!

This makes me happy since I am the one that kept bringing home the junk for him

to eat right along with me. :( Poor guy!

 This is where I used to be:

But this is where I want to be (a little more rounded out and soft, just like

the hubs likes it! haha!)

And this is where Josh and I will be together at the end of this!:

I love my family. I adore my children. And I love my new home. With all of that I still fight the war against over-eating. I scoff at people who try to tell me how to fight it... when they have never been there themselves. It is a fight I will have for the rest of my life. But I want to have that life... and so I will sacrifice this year of yummy pleasure eating to a torment of hell in the gym and nasty tasting food that will kill the taste buds, so that my children will have a mom AND dad as they grow. (Whew! That was a terrible run-on sentence, wasn't it?)Because... aren't  my children worth it?

Wasn't she worth all the weight in the World?

...And aren't Josh and I worth it?

I would like to think so...

So come along for the ride because it is going to be a rough one full of silly moments and terrible disappointments. It will also be full of triumph and friendships that are tested...  and I can use ALL the encouragement that is out there.

Because aren't we all beautiful? 

Any Takers? ;)

It's official. I am done with my training, and I am a little sad. LOL! I never thought I liked being told what to do- but when it comes to working out... tell me more baby! I really need that push and shove every now and then. :)

On the last day of our work out I was telling Mark how much I loved my legs. I do! They look so great and I can't take any credit. It was all EM! (Experience Momentum gym...) The only downside?

I am completely top heavy now!

Can you guess what I look like right now?

Let me give you a hint. My sister-in-law and I used to call ourselves this while we rode our bikes...

Still no idea?

I look like a walking...

DILLY BAR.

*Anyone willing to cough up another $400.00 for me? I need to get the rest of my body in control! HAHA!

No takers?

OKAY OKAY.

Here's my plan of action (because you all know if I don't have a game plan... nothing happens!)

-meal planning (I fell off the band wagon but have been doing okay with cutting sweets out. I only allow myself a treat every once in awhile.)

-work out daily. (My doctor told me I need to start working out ever day to get my body out of this plateau... HA. We shall see...)

*Monday: Jogging/ Leg workout (for my hip injury)/Abs

*Tuesday: Arm resistance training (free weights)/ half mile swim

*Wednesday: Jogging/ Abs

*Thursday: Leg workout/ half mile swim

*Friday: Arms/Jogging

*Saturday: Leg work out/ Abs

*Sunday: Rest

I will aim hard and report my successes and failures. I'm really looking forward to feeling WHOLE again and not huge. Even though there is "more of me to love" I'm not complete because I am not me. This has been the most difficult struggle I have ever taken on but I know that I can do it... because according to my newest philosophy and everything I have been preaching: I AM BEAUTIFUL.

And so are you!

And yes... I realize how Korney that sounds! ;) Just go with it!

A Book...

So I started reading a book. (I know... Crazy that I can read, right?! HAHA!) In this book it talks a lot about over-eating and over coming obstacles. It also talks about how setting a huge weight-loss goal can actually hinder your success. I have to admit that I was REALLY skeptical at first until the author started talking about his struggle with binging and purging.

SMACK.

I was immediately absorbed. I have this fascination with eating disorders and have even written a small thesis on two of them, annorexia and bulimia. I, however, never delved into the world of over-eating because I never thought this could be me. In fact when I was writing my thesis I was already fully absorbed in my new world of agony. I didn't even know it yet. I thought I was just better. I was eating... and that was good, yes? NOPE. It was just my "disease" taking a new route because I had mentally road blocked any other way for my issues to express themselves.

So when I read about this author's struggle very similar to mine I became more interested in what he had to say. I mean, he has obviously kicked his "habit" and is even famous for being an inspirational interventionist. That has to count for something, doesn't it?

I think I will take upon myself a new venture that may help me along this healing lifestyle change. If you are interested in joining me the book is called Just 10 Lbs. by Brad Lamm. I have a friend who was on the VIEW recently because she is working hand in hand with Brad fighting this battle herself. Even if I don't agree or like parts of the book I will still learn something... so here I go! :)

I will (of course) leave blog/ journal entries as I move along through the book. Hopefully some of the "issues" I have had with self-image and food can help someone else out there... because as hard as it is to believe this...

WE. ARE. ALL. BEAUTIFUL.

And we deserve to live our lives knowing as much.

It's Time...

Sitting down she has to wipe at her chin with the back of her hand. Slobbering like a dog begging for food she slowly opens the white box. Groaning from both pleasure and guilt she stares at what lies before her.

Chocolate.

Chocolate Donuts.

She tosses the box down to the ground and pulls at her hair, trying to control the change that is starting to overcome her body. Finally giving in she throws herself on top of the strewn morsels and begins to tear into the meat of the dirty little temptations.

"MOMMY..." asks her tiny son with eyes as round as the moon. "What are you doing?"

She sits up and cleans up her face trying to muster enough strength to respond with out scaring her little boy.

"Mommy is just... playing?..."

********************************************************************

Have you noticed I haven't written a blog in over a week now? Well if you haven't, I sure have! I've noticed it every single day as that day has passed. Why? Because I'm struggling. Sitting down and facing my issues on here is a little overwhelming. But if I don't record how I feel now then not only am I not being honest with you, but I am not being honest with myself.

Last Thursday I had the amazing cream puff. It was so good and so rich I only ate the one, and even had a hard time holding it down. It was pretty rich, and after not eating sugar for two weeks I had quite the sugar rush.

Unfortunately for me that sugar rush started some type of feeding frenzy. That night I wanted another. No I didn't go and buy more, but the next day I gave in and had some cookies. The day after that Josh and I had fast food. Monday I had a doctors appointement and decided I deserved a treat. Oh- did I forget that Sunday was superbowl? Actually... I did really well on SuperBowl Sunday because we spent it with Rachel's family. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and now today. Every single day I had one or a couple chocolate donuts.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME????

Well, today is a new day and I have not had any sugar today. I decided since It's still morning time and while I'm still golden I better make another pledge for myself. I have a really hard time when I don't achieve my own personal goals, so I know if I do this now I will have a better chance of keeping to it. I pledge that today and tomorrow I will not have any sugar. Monday (Valentines Day) I will allow myself one dessert. My husband already has a special date planned out for us and I think that as long as I keep myself with in reason I should be able to control myself enough to enjoy one treat. Then starting Tuesday the 15th I will not have sugar for 14 days.

I know I have a problem controlling my caloric intake. I am also discouraged because of my injuries. So this is the time I need to be on top of my eating. If I let it all go down the toilet now I will have gained nothing and learned zip from this entire journey. I know I can do this... because I have to do it. There is no if's, what's, or but's about it. I HAVE to do this now. My clock is ticking and my heart needs me to become the best and healthiest I can be NOW. I may not ever get another chance and what is Josh supposed to say to my children if I do have an early heart attack or be diagnosed with heart disease? It just isn't the life I would like for my children.

So here is me making another promise to myself for myself and for my children. Because I may have hard days and I might be disappointed I can't achieve some goals, but it does not mean I get to sabotage everything else I have worked so hard for.

I hope you can learn from my mistakes and we can take this journey together because not only will I need your support, but I learn from your experiences as well.

Here's to us- because who really wants to be called a crack addict? lol! ;)

Love Nikki

ps. Above story is NOT a true representation of what happens between me and chocolate. I promise!!! HAHA!

The Signed Contract...

So I know many people are working hard at their new year "resolutions" and most have decided to be done with sugar. I congratulate all of you who have found that it is harder than it appears, yet still have kept at it.

Today my best friend made me sign a contract. Now this isn't an every day kind of contract. It isn't even a "no sugar" contract. It's more of a way to hold me accountable for all the binge eating I appear to have been doing since December.

I'm not sure how in depth I've gotten about some of my problems associated with food. I know I have mentioned that I have gone from one extreme to the other- not eating to binging and purging... to just plain binging. But have I ever gone through the emotional inner battle I face daily when I look at a package of cookies? Or perhaps the guilt and horror I feel after I've finished said cookies?

Probably not.

Why? Because those little things are what make an eating disorder as destructive as they are. I do not handle stress well at all. I never have. I have a problem with control, and as it so appears this control manifests itself with food. If I feel like my life is thrown into chaos, you'd better believe the cookies, m&m's, and chocolate are all pulled out of the cupboards. Actually- lets be completely honest here. I never have those things at home because if I do I can't control myself. I eat them... all. So if I'm upset, what do you think I do?

Yup. I go to the store. Pretty disgusting, huh?

But you see, that's one of the other struggles I have that makes this monster of a disorder such a bear. I FIND MYSELF DISGUSTING. Or the binge eating disgusting, rather. So it's time. It's time I face my monster in the mirror. It's time I quit this sugar craving and make myself the woman I yearn to be.

And with that- it starts today. Today I signed the contract. No sugar, sweets, or any unnecessary foods in my diet for two weeks. And to ensure I'm able to complete this task, and not feel isolated or alone in this habit breaking venture Rachel has signed one too.

I need to control my eating. I need to control my "natural man" and be a mother to my children. How horrified I would be if my daughter saw me behaving this way and began imitating me. I have to do it now.

Wish me luck as you work towards your goals as well. Know that many of you have inspired me to do this myself. Yes I worked hard last year. Yes I've done something I have never done before by losing weight. Now I have to do something even harder- kick the habit.

Lets kick it together.

New Year- New Game Plan!

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! And happy new waistline... Or err, not so happy? HAHA! I guess it's safe for me to say that I worked really hard last year to end it with a bang. A bang of chocolate, bratwurst and of course, the infamous flu. Yup. It was that much fun for me, but enough of this last year garbage. It's time for THIS YEARS celebrations!

I am so pumped and rejuvenated about this next year. I can't even contain myself. Literally. While I'm sitting here typing this up in the wee hours of the night, my legs are bouncing all over the place. I'm feeling pretty positive about what I have accomplished last year and what I'm aiming for this year.

Last year in a typed up nut shell:

Something I never owned up to on here until now is that I ended 2009 weighing 280+ pounds. I know. I shiver at the sight of that number myself. Probably why I never put my true starting weight on here to begin with. In April I weighed 269, and today I'm sitting at 237- I think. HAHA!

So yah, it's a gradual weight loss but it's one that I'm uber proud of. I hated myself for how large I had gotten but instead of whining about like I had for years, I decided to make last year different. I decided to change my life. And I have. I feel amazing! :)

This years tentative goals:

Basketball season has started again! Yay! Play 2x a week.

I played for the first time in five years last night. I am sore in places I haven't been sore in for months. For someone who has been working out hard and training for a triathlon all summer this is a lot to say. I think this is the change up I really need right now.

AB class 1x a week.

Triathlon Training starting... NOW!

4 Triathlons scheduled for this summer. As they get closer I'll let you in on what races they are. I do have each race already marked on my calendar but for safety reasons would rather not tell Jo Bob with 6 months in advance where I'll be on what day. ;) (See... I pretend to be smart every once in awhile! hehe!) My first ever will be in May.

INSANITY 2x a week

Resistance Training 2x a week

Scheduled meal plans starting last week.

Shopping with bestie and dicing up the veggies together starting tomorrow.

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I guess we'll see how well that goes. My next actual weight loss goal is to lose another 30 lbs. by June. Then I'll be a hottie with a naughty... attitude. HAHA! :)

If you guys have any suggestions, comments, or even stories I would love LOVE to hear them. Remember I would also love to share someone's personal self-image problems for others to read as well. There are all types of emotional struggles, and the best way to deal with them is to get them out in the open. One person to another. :)

And remember... as you are making your new year resolutions and struggling to button those new favorite jeans that even if you never get down to that next pant size, it really doesn't matter. Because to me, to our loved ones, and to our Heavenly Father... We Are All Beautiful.

Love Nichole
isnt_she_beautiful@hotmail.com

Thanksgiving- How Well Did YOU Do?

To tell you the truth I think that on the actual day of Thanksgiving I did really well. I dished up way more then I could eat, and snacked the entire day. And the pie? I had a few bites of three different pieces. Probably because they were all so good and rich I couldn't handle any more then that.

I guess you can say that ... I may have cheated a little on my own challenge. I did; however not finish my plate of food. I stopped when my stomach revolted against anything else entering it's dark hole of nasty-ness.

With that said I'm on the mend health wise and I only have my son's third birthday and Christmas left to hinder me edibley. (Is that even a word?) So now that I'm all fat and sassy and full of pumpkin spice goodness I think I will begin focusing on my cardio and resistance training once again.

INSANITY- Are you ready for me?

ps. I did black friday this year... and stood in line for 4 hours at Target. I know I'm crazy. Do you think this counted as a cardio or perhaps a leg workout? I mean... My feet WERE sore! HAHAHA! JK!

Thanksgiving and Winter Weight Gain

How many of you are completely freaked out about the extra pudge that seems to be hanging out around our mid-section?

I have to admit I think that I may be going soft from being sick for as long as I have been. Man- when I get hit with something, it really takes me out for a LONG time. Having our anniversary, my 27th birthday, and NOW Thanksgiving I think my body is going to just explode in revulsion.

So I think I'm going to make a challenge for myself and all of you to see if we can not GAIN 5 pounds this weekend!

I challenge all of us to eat through out the day* of Thanksgiving. I challenge all of us to have normal portion sizes with all the yummy fatty goodness. I also challenge... wait for it... for all of us to have only ONE desert.

YUP! I went there! ;) Only one small slice of pie y'all. Do you think you can do it? Well, I'm going to try really hard to because I've had enough chocolate in these last two weeks to feed an army battalion. UGH. Talk about a gross feeling.

So I leave you to your holiday bliss feeling a little scared. But I know we can all do it! It's for our health after all. And to make myself feel a little better about the last two weeks I'm going to go work out with my huge bouncy ball right now.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

*Eating through out the day will help keep your metabolism up. If you don't eat all day then pig out for the big meal your body has a bigger chance of wanting to hold on to all the extra fat. Not only that, what usually happens when we eat too much? We go to sleep. Lets make this year a little different from the rest of them!

Goals and Prizes at Week 24

Okay- enough is enough I say! I'm tired of living in the fast lane. Acting as if I'm in my early 20's with out a care in the World. Going out with friends, hitting up fancy restaurants, watching crazy movies, and not watching myself. It's quite the addicting lifestyle, and man does it kill the pocket book. Not to mention the "caloric" intake!!!

Again I say: Enough is enough!

So I've come up with a solution. We'll see how well it'll work. I'm going to give myself a handful of small goals, and list the "prize" for attaining each goal right here. It's all about accountability, correct?!? And I have to admit not having anyone hold me accountable for the last two months has left me feeling somewhat- stranded.

I've learned the tools, now I need to just keep to it and remember this is all for me and my beautiful babies.

So here are my small goals for the next little while. I'm also going to include some larger goals but never fear- once I've achieved these I'll make some new ones with new little surprises!

I am currently (it's now week 24) still sitting at 240. I have been bouncing between 242 and 240 since the beginning of end of June.

238- (Milestone! I weighed this much when I got pregnant with my son!) Professional high-lights with some auburn low-lights put underneath. Yup! I'm super excited and need to lose those TWO pounds!

234- New jogging clothes and have girls night- anyone game?

229- 40 lbs lost! Massage and Pedicure

225-221- Run several triathlons! (Hopefully this can carry me to the rest of my weight-loss. )

Josh's 10 year class reunion will probably be in June next summer so I imagine I'll be around here with my weight-loss... I'll buy myself a pretty dress. :)

222- (Milestone- I weighed this much a year after we got married. Our first year of marriage was pretty typical therefore a lot of weight was gained.) New Clothes

219- 50 lbs lost! Donate my hair to locks of love and have an A-line style... I'm pretty nervous about this! Also- another girls night?

209- 60 lbs. lost (2/3rds done!) Something big... perhaps a concert or what ever Broadway musical is showing! I would also like to have family pictures taken.

199!!!- Under 200 pounds party!!! Totally throwing a party... even if it is lame! :)

189-180- COMPLETELY NEW WARDROBE! And of course- PICTURES!!

AND THEN... probably get pregnant! HAHA! Then start all over again, right?! Unfortunately this is going to be an on-going battle for me but I KNOW I can succeed. Once I lose all this weight I'm either going to go back to school and get my Master's in nutrition or perhaps find a different route to help implement some sort of program that can help women and girls with eating disorders- primarily over-eating.

Because believe it or not- that is a pretty big issue my friends. Lets nip it in the bud! :)

Lets see how long this takes us all guys because... I can't do this without you!

Ps. Sorry there aren't any pictures- my "simple" down loader is actually not being so simple at the moment. I'll come back and edit this posting a little later. Thanks for reading!

10 Year Picture

Tomorrow is my second meeting for the "Everybody Wins" fat burning contest that I joined. I can tell you now that I don't think I'll win this one. Sad for me but this isn't really what it's all about.

Before I go to this meeting I wanted to "do" my homework. Last Thursday we were asked to draw a picture of where we would like to see ourselves in ten years. I thought about this through out the week, and I think I may have a pretty good picture.

Just to forewarn you, some of the things I've thought of may seem silly, other's weird, and yet some even weirder. My picture, right? Right.

*Also I jump from third to first person. I know it's breaking the rules, but rules are meant to be broken if you understand why they're there in the first place. I hope it isn't too annoying and you see how I'm using these points of view to tell my story.

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Picture a mother. Tall and thin- YES! I can say this because I will be thin and remain thin ... and it's what?! Oh yah- my dream! Continuing on...

This mother is sitting with her arms folded and her head bent. She's in a skirt, teacup style that comes just below her knees. To the right of her is an eleven year old girl giggling quietly trying to be reverent herself. She too is dressed up; however she's in a pretty purple dress with her hair in a chick pony tail. The mother looks up and gives her daughter, Shaylee the look. Immediately Shaylee casts her eyes down and covers her mouth.

Infront of Shaylee and I sits my 12 year old son on a chair facing me and our close loved ones. So handsome he looks with his gelled hair and new black suit from Sears. He's smiling with great anticipation. Today is the day he becomes a priesthood holder. With the help of me and his daddy, whom is standing behind him placing his hands upon Aiden's head, he has grown to be a worthy young man. He is now ready for more repsonsibility. A tear escapes and slides down my cheek.

Now fast forward to a Friday, after school. I've just pulled into the ...hmmm? Elementary school? Wait... 6th grade is now middle school isn't it? Ok ... I've just pulled into the Middle School parking lot with my 2020 HUMMER (shush! My dream- and at least I didn't make it a flying Hummer! HAHA!) I step out of my super cool car with a sway to my hips. A sway that comes naturally I might add! ;) The bell rings and out run hundreds of derranged and excited pre-teens charging their way through the doors, pushing and shoving.

"Hey Mom!" Yells Shaylee coming at me from the left and from the right yells Aiden, "SHOT GUN!!!!"

"Great!" I think rounding up my two monkey's and hearding them back to my fly Hummer. Now to pick up my two younger monsters from the 2nd and 4th grades. (I kind of have to leave this thought open ended seeing as I don't actually HAVE two other children...)

So here are just some other things I'm anticipating:
-the "talk" with both of my children
-puberty. Yes believe it or not I want to see my children grow from awkward adolescence into beautiful people. I don't want to just imagine it, I want to live it.
-girl talk
-sports
-plays
-shopping
-sleepovers
-awkward questions
-MORE CHILDREN!
-Josh and I playing sports with our children
-Josh and I having our 10 year anniversary

I want to own our own home somewhere back in the Columbia Basin. I want to be a part of the PTA and volunteer in my kids classrooms. I want to be the "cool" mom that takes the kids out in the wee hours for goodies.

But most of all... I want to be there. I want to be alive. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to enjoy life with my children. I want to have the good and the bad, just as long as I'm the one that gets to experience it. I want to be happy...

... And the only way I'll get there is by getting this weight off. Heart disease runs through the women on my mom's side of the family. Infact it's a lot closer to "home" than most of us even realize. I don't want to be next, but it's definitly a real possibility if I allow myself to continue indulging in my "crack," ... also known as junk food.

Now that I have drawn my picture, I find I have an actual destination where I'd like my life to go. Once I've met either some or all of my goals I will sit down and once again draw a new picture for myself and my family.

I hope you all do the same as well.