The Next Jane Fonda

I went to the gym today. I tend to go a few times a week. Today I decided I wanted to try out something new and join a class I have never participated in before. Going up to the instructor and asking what I needed was awkward, but alas I did it and am so grateful I did!

I tried a Step Class for the very first time! Total Jane Fonda style, but oh so much hotter. I was sweating like a cow in my new long sleeved moisture wiccing shirt and long tight @$$ leggings. Have I ever mentioned I have issues with anything that covers my knees or even quarter length sleeves? I was the poster child for sex appeal as I plie'd and pirouetted up and down off of that step. There was a moment when we were jumping across the top of the step that I may have put a bit too much jump into it. Landing with a slight umpf and extra funk in my step, I recovered beautifully.

(Yes... this is me... and no I'm not stepping... however I am running. So, you can picture it right?)

A slight butt cramp in my left cheek and a spasm in my right thigh I completed that class with grace. Perhaps not honor- but total grace.

The instructor came up to give me a sweaty elbow "high-five" and told me I did great. She had to tell me that since she's the instructor, but I soaked it up. I opened my mouth and I don't know why- but I spouted out word vomit all over her 5 foot thin and perfectly shaped body.

Have you ever done that?

Just started talking and all shots are off? Choking on word barf as you are actually turning shades of purple and yet... you still can't stop?

Yup. Apparently I have mastered this art. And said instructor has mastered slowly walking away while trying to run for her life.

Standing alone and feeling slightly stupid I started to feel sort of sorry for myself. And lonely. Isn't that interesting? I felt TOTALLY naked and lonely. Walking out of the exercise room staring down my reflection in the mirror that spans the entire width of the room, I tried to gather what was left of my sorry soppy pride. Scuttling down the hall I went to get a towel to help mop up my pit stains that were no longer isolated to my pits, I saw the chance to redeem myself!

A little old lady! In fact, THE little old lady that had saved me before Step had even started. I guess you are supposed to check to make sure your "stands" that raise the base of the bench are set into place so you don't die or break a leg. She saw that mine wasn't secured and rescued me as I was getting ready to heave my gigantic self onto it.

One.

Two.

"STOPPPPPP!!!!"

I was grateful for that little old lady. :) And quite impressed. She danced all around me and then was ready for more even after the class was finished!

So as I was passing her in the hallway I bent down to her level (first mistake) and said as loudly (second mistake) and as jovially as I could muster, "WOW. I SURE LOVED THAT CLASS!!!"

"WHAAAAAAT????" she said quite loudly herself as she squinted right back at me.

Again, starting another round of the purples I mumbled, "I really enjoyed that class!"

"GOOD. Now make sure you come back then."

And with that she walked off, leaving me alone and stupid all over again.

"What the heck!!! I must be all sorts of nasty right now" I thought to myself as I gathered that much needed towel. Entering the cardio/ weights room I found the quietest corner I could squeeze myself into to stretch out my assaulted muscles. Putting my hot pink child sized ear buds into my ears I turned on my purple IPOD shuffle. And I had a moment.

I had a eye-watering-throat-choking-moment. Bending over to stretch my back and hamstrings I tried to regain my composure. I didn't want anyone to look over and see me not only purple faced, but with a full on ugly cry going.

The most beautiful song came on that reminded me of my importance. I know it seems silly, but when you have a lot of weight to lose, you feel sort of invisible. I may be the size of a baby elephant- but I feel as small an ant sometimes. I have learned that in order for me to be successful I need to have a lot of emotional support. That includes feeling noticed. Feeling important. Feeling present. And when you go to a gym as a large woman- it's easy to not feel ANY of those things.

But here's the thing this song reminded me of. It isn't anyone else's problem if I don't feel those things. It's MY problem. It's MY perspective. I need to turn my own perspective around and know that the only person that is either hurting or benefiting from my feelings is me. Being present is what I was being when I went to the gym this morning. Being present and trying to be healthy is what I am aiming for every day as I continue to fight this awful disease of obesity.

So maybe I may feel inadequate and self-conscious... and maybe I was judged by a few young bippidy boppidy girls that haven't lived a full life yet, I know that I am important. I am WORTH IT. And I am a work in progress and always will be.

And that makes me... me. :)

So next time you're at the gym don't give the fat girl any pitying glances or smiles of encouragement. Get your sexy beast of a person out of your comfort zone and just go say "hi." Who knows. You may make a new friend- or get your trash kicked.

It's worth a shot right?

Song: Closer to You by Calee Reed.
Closer To You sample

Beast Mode.

For the most part I have been very honest and upfront about this entire journey. I have been working on this for over 18 months now, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Losing weight is such a struggle emotionally and physically. I have hit plateaus and I have broken through those plateaus like a BEAST.

Seriously. 

Beast mode people. BEAST mode. 

Lyndi at 3 months

But lately I have been struggling. And when I say "lately" it has been the last two weeks. I haven't been to the gym. I haven't done Insanity in my garage. And I have only been on a handful of walks. 

I just have been SOOOOO tired. 

I even went to the doctor trying to figure out what is going on with me. 

I mean- lets be honest, I'm a complete hypochondriac. I have EVERYTHING from cancer to a goiter sticking out of my neck. And I'm not trying to be funny or disrespectful... this is honestly a struggle I live with every day. 

I am going to die of something horrible and I can't stop thinking about it! 

My friend and I after Insanity (the last time I did it)- two weeks ago

That being said, yes I know it's a sign of some crazy crap known as DEPRESSION. 

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN....... 

I do struggle with it and am very open about being medicated and the medication has been SUPER HELPFUL but I do worry about random scary things... all... the... time. 

So I got checked. 

NOTHING appears to be wrong. Nothing they can find right off the bat and obvious anyway. (Other than a stinking cold that wiped me out on my butt.) 

SO- No MORE excuses. 

I only have 20 or so pounds until I get to my married weight- CAN YOU IMAGINE what this FEELS like? SOOO CLOSE! 

And yet I can't stop mowing down the Halloween candy. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE Y'ALL or I'm going to head RIGHT back up the fat ladder. And let me tell you, it hurts. 

A close friend asked me recently if I see a difference in what I look like. The truth is, I don't. 

2009- 269 pounds

I know, I know. You are all rolling your eyes right now thinking to yourself that I am fishing for compliments (and perhaps I just might be... heh heh...) but really- I still look like that girl that couldn't run for more than a minute straight through. To me I still look like that girl that COULDN'T do a triathlon- even though I ROCKED one a few months ago.

What MY problem is, and has always been... Is MY perception of myself. I NEED to learn to love myself, no matter what I look like. I need to own who I am and be proud of it. 

Yesterday at Costco I was looking at some super cute zip up hoodies. You know the type, the ones with ribbing that makes you look like you have a tiny waist and amazing lifted "parts." I was in heaven... 

And then some old lady came up to me. 

"You know these are sized smaller than the labels say."

I was holding an XL. 

I just looked at her... and immediately my feather's were ruffled. I wanted to holler at the top of my longs that I am now in a normal size LARGE woman! That I just lost over 60 pounds and holly hannah I deserved to try that FREAKING CUTE sweater on. 

I of course, just smiled and TRIED ON THAT HOODY right there in front of her. Sure. It might have been a little short on me- but WOMAN- it sure as heck fit! 

I guess I have an attitude problem... but I HATE when people tell me I can't do something. It fires a fire deep inside that is just BURNING to eat all the pessimistic haters out there up. 

And yet. 

I am my worst enemy. 

But I promise you- I am still working hard on it. And if you do give me a compliment and I don't seem too enthusiastic about it, just punch me. It isn't anything you are saying- it's my own perception of myself. 

But know this- I know I am strong. And I know I can do it- because I have AMAZING friends and family who support me like crazy. I also know that I'm not alone on this journey and know that YOU can do it too. 

So close. :) We can do this- together we can do this. 

Halloween selfie- Rocking out

Ps. I just got home from working out- including 90 squats, 90 lunges, and 35 sit-ups- hanging upside down from monkey bars. :) Apparently I needed to write about everything I have been feeling. Here's to a great new week and new determination! 

T-22 Hours till RACE DAY!

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I have bile rising up from the back of my throat as I sit here and type this...

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I may or may not have IBS just THINKING about tomorrow and the triathlon.

I would lying if I didn't tell you I may or may not have almost jumped into a pile or boulders yesterday to avoid tomorrow all together. (Don't worry, it was mostly on accident when me and two girl friends floated the river last night... ha!)

And I definitely would be lying if I didn't tell you that even with all the fear and horrible side effects of the stress, I am SOOOO FREAKING STOKED AND PUMPED it is OUT of this World!!!

Soooo... YEAH. That's pretty much how I feel about tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck y'all. Cause my bowels could use it. :)

Love Nikki

Non-Scale Victories... AND Scale Victories!

Hey ya'll! I know today is supposed to be all about focussing on all things but scale... but it has been a great week so I have to focus a LITTLE on my scale victory.

First off- I LOST 3 POUNDS THIS LAST WEEK!!! :) Yay! That puts me at 35 pounds lost. I'm pretty proud of myself. It has been pretty stinking hard. That puts me at 244!

VICTORY!!!!

And now onto... NSV'S! :)

I did super great over Easter. It was an 8 hour drive round trip and I didn't even eat myself into sugar oblivion. That my friends is a fete never accomplished.

During Saturday nights Chili feed with my husbands family... I only had a third of a potatoe. And whaddya know... I was stuffed.

I worked out pretty hard Monday and Wednesday. My friend Cass went out of town and I still went to the gym to get my burn on. Although my mouth hurt a lot from all the dental work, I felt amazing and was uber happy I went.

I took the kids to the park for a couple of hours yesterday and soaked up a lot of vitamin D. Normally after a work out I go home and zone out. I didn't this time. GO ME! :)

I even went to McDonalds and treated myself yesterday. I wanted a normal size oreo McFlurry with hot fudge added (SOOO GOOD!) BUT instead got a plain sundae with a Strawberries n'creme pie. I know, I know... I splurged... BUT I was well within my calorie goals and I went to bed satisfied.

Last week I helped clean a friends house on Friday for 6 hours. She lives an hour away and so it took the entire day but I had enough energy to get most of the house clean. I'm ADHD so please- BE PROUD. :)

And my biggest NSV for the week- I shared my "story" on someone elses blog. (You can find it by clicking on the link.) This took lots of guts, and is somewhat embarassing... but I did it. :)

Anyway, I have a friend coming over so I should clean up my own house a little. Hope you all had some good victories as well.

NON SCALE VICTORIES- and I'm screaming it.

I FEEL LIKE POOH! Can the fact that I woke up be a non-scale victory?

Please?

How about the fact that I bit down on a mini-twix yesterday... and broke one of my molars! LIKE, DESTROYED IT! And so I finally called the dentist. THAT has got to count?

{I have only ever had one cavity in my life... victory?}

Or the fact that I finally went to the doctor for this cold and got CREAMED for working out feeling icky.

LIKE HANDS IN THE AIR, YELLING AT ME.

That doesn't count? Really?

Well then POOP.

I have had a pretty crappy week.

But I HAVE had a SCALE victory- so eat that!

I'm now 248.... and I can't eat for a week. BOOH-YEAH!

But my biggest NSV is a real one- the back boob? IT'S DISAPEARING!!! (You can see for yourself here!)

Hope your week was better than mine! Root canal much? Yay!

NonScale Victories...

Time for NonScale Victories! :)

Yesterday I ran 1.2 miles with out stopping. That's almost a quarter mile farther than I did two weeks ago. I'm so proud of myself!

I went and had a massage last night and didn't realize how jacked up my right arm has been. My old injury from my car accident (which you can read about here) has flared up. Oh goody.

I joined the Cara Box and have really enjoyed getting to know the women that are sending me my box and whom I am sending my box to. It has been so fun getting her things together. :)

I talked to someone about turning my little hobby into a thriving business. (I'm a photographer- can't you tell with all of my photo's? hahaha!)

I finally went in and had my eyes checked- and got two new pairs of glasses. They're so cute and trendy. It's almost like getting two new faces! bahahaha! (I got the ones on the bottom and a magenta color similar from a different brand.)

I finally took my babies one year photos. She has so much personality, it is mind boggling. She can crack you up so fast! :)

And most importantly! I have been doing really well eating with in my caloric limits! I am pretty stoked about that. It's pretty hard to eat less than what I'm used to, but I'm seeing physical results. That keeps me pretty stoked. :)

I hope you have had great NSV's this week too!

My Eye Balls Itch.

UGH. My eyes are totally going to make me grab a fork and stab myself. It is actually pretty disgusting and funny how I got infections in both eyes. In my late 20's.

I got down and dirty.

I mean truly.

I was weight lifting in my strength training class... and my nasty sweat was pouring off of my head and dripping everywhere. I looked as if I had just stepped out of the shower.

The part that totally sucks was I was lying flat on my back doing arm flies. And the SWEAT off of my HAND dripped into my EYES.

AUACKKKKK!!!! *&%$!!!! #$%*!!!!

How disgusting is that?

And to make matters worse, it burned- like a crowning baby. I had to sit up quickly and rubbed the mad crap out of them with the back of my sweaty hands. Yeah. Way to go me. I totally gave myself pink eye.

In both eyes.

And it's hott.

(Ps.  I was going to insert a picture of someone elses pink eye here... but my stomach totally turned and I almost vomitted when I googled it. I dare you to do it on your own free time. haha!)

Now onto some AMAZING news for myself! I was so proud of myself last Saturday!!!

I ran my very first mile straight through- ever. Even when I was skinny I couldn't run a mile straight through with out stopping. I have no idea what the time was, but I'm pretty sure it was somewhere around 12 minutes. This is huge for me- it cut down my mile another 3 minutes from two weeks ago.

YAY!!!! GO ME!!! :)

I also had to rough it up and pee in the woods this week during one of my nightly workouts.

I guess I'm starting to fit in my surroundings.

I'm totally a redneck now.

And for some more proof of my total rednecked-ness... look who tried to get into our house the other night. :)

Aint he so cute? haha!

Frustraton...

Someone said something to me that has been eating away at me... all night. I'm not going to go into too much detail over it except that I wanted to pull out a bag of cookies and devour it. I wanted to so very badly that my stomach hurt and I thought my brain was going to explode. I had that knot at the back of my throat that was either tears trying to escape, or vomit. Pushing "it" back with junk food is definitely the way I WOULD have taken care of it just a few months ago.

And by "it" I mean my emotions.

Instead I am going to take my reaction to this situation as a victory. A sign of growth and healing.

I didn't shovel down a bag of cookies; however I did type out my feelings in a private post.  Angry raunchy feelings.

And now...

I feel better. :) And I don't need the bag of cookies.

VICTORY!

source

 

A Little Bit of This... Or That. (NSV)

Hey there! So today is the link up over at KTJ weighing in for non-scale victories. And since this is HONESLTY helping me recognize all the awesomeness I am doing with my life outside of working out, I gotta write me some NSV's! :)

First- I signed my children up for dance and soccer. Soccer doesn't start for another month though.

Second- I TOOK my kids to dance for their first times. And they were sooo cute! I think they're both little dancers. Shaylee is definitely a little ballerina- and Aiden? He's my freestyle hip hopper. It's pretty adorable.

Shaylee is only three- and I'm thinking she's already gonna go pro! :) HAHA- of course I think this, right?

 Aiden just turned 5. Look how awesome he is in the dance off! My little man got some moves!

And then there is my little Lou Lou...
Three- I just enjoyed her. I played with her and even took pics of her while she was still a mess. :) I'm a perfectionist... so this is a big deal. haha!

 



Four- I took a minute off of my mile. I am embarrassed because it still is only a 15 minute mile... but that's with out trying. I'm curious how much I really took off...

 

Five- I have worked out consistently for several weeks now... and haven't HAD to weigh myself like a maniac. WOOT!

 

and Six- I worked out in the rain yesterday... like a wet dog. I even smelled like one. It was gnarly. And I jogged for a large portion of it. Cassie lapped me a few times... cause my pants were falling off. Cause....

 

Seven- I HAVE LOST INCHES BABY!!!!

 

How was your week??? 

 

 

NON Scale Victories... (Not SMALL scale)

This is the second week I have found myself dragging my feet when it comes to being thankful for all of the little victories I have had. Why is that?

I don't know if I am just in a stink of a mood or if I really don't see any victories... so I am going to MAKE myself type them out.

Here it goes!

1. I bought HALF of a panini... therefore only ate HALF.  (Like a boss.)

2. I bent over and gave an older man a nice view of my bottom smile. (Niiice- every old man likes a good dose of butt crack in the morning, right? haha!)- the victory in this? MY PANTS ARE LOOSE!

3. My knee has been hurting so I gave myself yesterday off... and now I feel good as new. Tonight is interval training... in the rain. (Rock it.)

4. I did abs Tuesday and thought I was in labor yesterday from how sore I was. (I guess I forgot what a menstral cramp felt like because this morning I had a surprise. Yay me. I know, I know... TMI.)

5. I WEENED LYNDI!!!! Yay!!!! My BOOBS are MINE again! Woooot!!!!!

6. We got our TAX RETURN BAY-BE!!!!! Most of it will be put away for a rainy day but we were able to get some fun stuff- for example... I ordered my first studio lighting kit for my photography! YAY!

And 7. My arms are solid. I have guns. (It's hott.)

How was your week???

Gonna Pop Some Tags...

Whoa. I need to go clothes shopping. My pants aren't fitting very well anymore. I wish it was because I am losing weight, but honestly I think it's because of my sexy apron.

You know...

That AMAZING belly sag you get after you lose weight or have children? Well... I have had THREE children and have lost some more weight/ inches.

That is just a recipe for a not so SEX-AY stomach.

I'm thinking it's time to hit up a thrift store! ;)

Cause we all know the 80's are SO in again!

 

                                                 v and yes, that's me... in 80's clothes. haha!

My NSV's! Can You Dig It?

Hello readers.

 

It has been a crazy week so far- I've been seriously AWOL! lol!

 

But I HAVE to do this!

 

1. I didn't gain any weight while in Seattle with girlfriends for three days!

2. I did football and basketball drills on Tuesday night and WOGGED (fat lady jogging my friends)/ interval trained afterward. I  EVEN DRY HEAVED! lol! Yum.

3. I went to that HELLISH strength training class on Monday- but couldn't MOVE Wednesday so stayed home to recover. (listening to my body= Victory. DIG IT!)

4. I will do abs when I am done on here... and

5. I will go to my strength training class tomorrow.

 

That's it for this week! Next week will be more eventful in bloggy land! ;)

 

AND I have my baby's first birthday on Saturday. LE'SIGH. I'm feeling emotional.

 

Bring on the cake!

 

Err... I mean... the carrots??? ;)

Before and After shots & my VICTORIES!

First off... be ever so proud of me and my sexy self. I dragged myself to that horrible strength training class again... and I totally rocked it.

 

I was THE biggest girl in there... and the only one that couldn't do the curtsey squats, but I didn't let that stop me. I still worked out REALLY hard. And I felt empowered doing it. In fact, I felt proud and elated that I went again. :) I think I will continue with this class. It hurts like a cow giving birth, but I will look like a mermaid when it's all said and done! Oh yes!

 

So today I am linking up my NSV's again today. :) I actually REALLY enjoy focusing on all of that... so here it goes!::

 

1. Check out the before picture. You will have to excuse the AWESOME shirt... hehe! I needed to protect my modesty... and your eyes. ;) I tried to keep a few rolls visible. You get the picture. Top picture was from this summer at 279 pounds. I was really unhappy and postpartum nasty looking. I know, I know... I was still beautiful on the inside. (Still working on it... lol!) And the bottom picture- THAT is my victory! 

 

 

Looking at that bottom picture, I don't care WHAT you say... or what the number is. You can SEE how hard I have been working. Yeah I still have a LONG way to go... but people... This is it. This is what I have been working for.  You can read about my last picture comparisons here. These are before Lyndi and so I did gain all of that weight back. But like I said... I'm getting there again!

 

2. I went to that HORRIBLE strength training class... TWICE!

 

3. I took a dear friend to Lynnwood and "played" but only ate half of my burger. :) And then!- I was careful with my money. I also brought my piece of pie home and shared it with my husband. BOOM! 3 for 1!

 

4. I felt empowered and proud to be me. Just for the heck of it.

 

AND 5!!! I didn't swear when my baby went all Freddy Kruegar on my face. :)

 

 

 

WHAT WERE YOURS? ;)

 

~Nikki

 

 

More Than Just a Number?

Holy Hannah. I have had a revelation in the last two days.

 

I am not ALONE.

 

Huh. Who'd a thought?

 

I started following this blog KTJ Weighing In, and just yesterday she started her own facebook group page. So of course I had to join, right? Who isn't curious to see who else is out there? Well, I was very excited to learn that there are several other young women out there that are JUST like me. Like, scary amounts of similarities. Made my heart happy. ;)

 

One of the things that I really admire about KTJ is she holds a linkup once a week  called non-scale victories.

 

Hallelujah!

 

Someone who rejoices in more than just the number.

 

I think I can handle this!

 

So here it is my Pretties. My non-scale victories! (NSV)::

 

1. I dragged my lazy butt out of my house yesterday and hit up the gym! (By myself! Gotta be my own supporter, remember?)

 

2. I didn't stop by DQ and get myself the most AMAZING chocolate chip mint milk shake.

 

CELEBRATE IT FOLKS!!!

 

3. I am fitting back into my pants... AND... need a belt. Oh yes. The small victories. :)

 

4. We made dinner before Josh had to go to mutual last night. Yum- and it was GOOD!

 

5. Shaylee let me put her hair into pigtails. (This is worth mentioning... EVERYTIME!)

 

6. I drove over Snoqualmie Pass TWICE two days ago... to take my mom to visit my sister and her family. And I didn't crap my pants! WOOT!

 

ALWAYS celebrate clean underwear folks. Always.

 

and 7. I put myself out there and joined this KTJ group and met some amazing hot mama's out there.

 

And with that, we are gonna rock it!

 

Because we are ALL beautiful!

 

~Nikki