The Next Jane Fonda

I went to the gym today. I tend to go a few times a week. Today I decided I wanted to try out something new and join a class I have never participated in before. Going up to the instructor and asking what I needed was awkward, but alas I did it and am so grateful I did!

I tried a Step Class for the very first time! Total Jane Fonda style, but oh so much hotter. I was sweating like a cow in my new long sleeved moisture wiccing shirt and long tight @$$ leggings. Have I ever mentioned I have issues with anything that covers my knees or even quarter length sleeves? I was the poster child for sex appeal as I plie'd and pirouetted up and down off of that step. There was a moment when we were jumping across the top of the step that I may have put a bit too much jump into it. Landing with a slight umpf and extra funk in my step, I recovered beautifully.

(Yes... this is me... and no I'm not stepping... however I am running. So, you can picture it right?)

A slight butt cramp in my left cheek and a spasm in my right thigh I completed that class with grace. Perhaps not honor- but total grace.

The instructor came up to give me a sweaty elbow "high-five" and told me I did great. She had to tell me that since she's the instructor, but I soaked it up. I opened my mouth and I don't know why- but I spouted out word vomit all over her 5 foot thin and perfectly shaped body.

Have you ever done that?

Just started talking and all shots are off? Choking on word barf as you are actually turning shades of purple and yet... you still can't stop?

Yup. Apparently I have mastered this art. And said instructor has mastered slowly walking away while trying to run for her life.

Standing alone and feeling slightly stupid I started to feel sort of sorry for myself. And lonely. Isn't that interesting? I felt TOTALLY naked and lonely. Walking out of the exercise room staring down my reflection in the mirror that spans the entire width of the room, I tried to gather what was left of my sorry soppy pride. Scuttling down the hall I went to get a towel to help mop up my pit stains that were no longer isolated to my pits, I saw the chance to redeem myself!

A little old lady! In fact, THE little old lady that had saved me before Step had even started. I guess you are supposed to check to make sure your "stands" that raise the base of the bench are set into place so you don't die or break a leg. She saw that mine wasn't secured and rescued me as I was getting ready to heave my gigantic self onto it.

One.

Two.

"STOPPPPPP!!!!"

I was grateful for that little old lady. :) And quite impressed. She danced all around me and then was ready for more even after the class was finished!

So as I was passing her in the hallway I bent down to her level (first mistake) and said as loudly (second mistake) and as jovially as I could muster, "WOW. I SURE LOVED THAT CLASS!!!"

"WHAAAAAAT????" she said quite loudly herself as she squinted right back at me.

Again, starting another round of the purples I mumbled, "I really enjoyed that class!"

"GOOD. Now make sure you come back then."

And with that she walked off, leaving me alone and stupid all over again.

"What the heck!!! I must be all sorts of nasty right now" I thought to myself as I gathered that much needed towel. Entering the cardio/ weights room I found the quietest corner I could squeeze myself into to stretch out my assaulted muscles. Putting my hot pink child sized ear buds into my ears I turned on my purple IPOD shuffle. And I had a moment.

I had a eye-watering-throat-choking-moment. Bending over to stretch my back and hamstrings I tried to regain my composure. I didn't want anyone to look over and see me not only purple faced, but with a full on ugly cry going.

The most beautiful song came on that reminded me of my importance. I know it seems silly, but when you have a lot of weight to lose, you feel sort of invisible. I may be the size of a baby elephant- but I feel as small an ant sometimes. I have learned that in order for me to be successful I need to have a lot of emotional support. That includes feeling noticed. Feeling important. Feeling present. And when you go to a gym as a large woman- it's easy to not feel ANY of those things.

But here's the thing this song reminded me of. It isn't anyone else's problem if I don't feel those things. It's MY problem. It's MY perspective. I need to turn my own perspective around and know that the only person that is either hurting or benefiting from my feelings is me. Being present is what I was being when I went to the gym this morning. Being present and trying to be healthy is what I am aiming for every day as I continue to fight this awful disease of obesity.

So maybe I may feel inadequate and self-conscious... and maybe I was judged by a few young bippidy boppidy girls that haven't lived a full life yet, I know that I am important. I am WORTH IT. And I am a work in progress and always will be.

And that makes me... me. :)

So next time you're at the gym don't give the fat girl any pitying glances or smiles of encouragement. Get your sexy beast of a person out of your comfort zone and just go say "hi." Who knows. You may make a new friend- or get your trash kicked.

It's worth a shot right?

Song: Closer to You by Calee Reed.
Closer To You sample

Day 14 VLOG Analysis...

Hey everyone! If you have 10 minutes I strongly encourage you to watch my video on the Paleo Challenge I have been doing. :) If you have't seen me in a while, it'll be a nice little refresher on how DRAMATIC I am. Goodness watching myself on camera is a little... awkward. hahaha! 

Enjoy! 

Here's the link in case it doesn't work. :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5EywDV0DRo&feature=youtu.be

MONSTER.

You know that new song out by Rhianna and Eminem? Monster? WELL... Lets just say you don't need to be afraid of him any longer. Oh no.

Be afraid of ME.

I HATE getting off of sugar- but what's worst? I have never gotten off of sugar, dairy AND wheat at the same time before.

I am freaking frothing at the mouth.

Frothing I say.

I am the thing that as a young child you fear is in the dark. I am the thing that you see in the corner of your eye when home alone watching a scary movie.

I am the creature hiding in your closet that you hear scratching in your subconscious while you lie there sleeping.

I hope I don't ever have to feel this way ever again.
(And lets be honest, you are hoping I don't ever describe THAT again...)

I woke up this morning completely broken out and having to pee like a pregnant woman all night long. I don't think I have ever felt so water logged... probably a sign I haven't been drinking enough water for a long time.

What we ate last night for dinner was a cleansing type dinner.

The colon cleansing type.

It did NOTHING to me. (Thank goodness, right? haha!) But sadly my husband went to bed singing a completely different tune. Makes me laugh a little right now just thinking about the hell I am putting him through.

Muwahaha!

He has also been popping antacids like candy.

Funny since we have been cutting a lot of crap out- but hopefully he'll see a difference in a week.

I'm just hoping I SURVIVE the rest of the week!!!! (Wait? Is that tomorrow? ha! I wish! It's Feb. 1st.)

What are some of your treats that don't include wheat, dairy, or sugar? Besides apples and some sort of nut butter- cause... I've had my fill of butter... and nuts. HA!

Oh goodness... and with that I bid you adieu! And I'm sure I will type something tomorrow since supposedly tomorrow is supposed to be WORSE!!!!

WHAT THE "H"- why am I doing this to myself, again???

And just for farts and giggles- enjoy my day two montage.

LOONEY I TELL YA- I'm going looney.

A Reminder... For the New Year...

I know I won't finish this post tonight before I completely zonk out for bed. I just may fall asleep here as I am typing this to you... but I felt it was important for myself to write how I am feeling. right. now.

Tomorrow I start the paleo diet... or rather in 50 minutes. I am really looking forward to it for only one reason. I will go into that more thoroughly in a moment.

This moment, as I am sitting here typing this I am sick. My stomach feels fat and bloated and over all just not healthy.

I'm dizzy and feeling jittery.

I almost feel as if I am going to pass out.

I have that horrible bile feeling rising up in the back of my throat- and I'm getting the cold sweats. You know the feeling, right before you vomit.

And here's the kicker- I am not sick.

Not in a contagious way anyway.

I am sugar crashing. HARD.

For some reason I thought it would be so much fun to binge and eat as much as I could and get all the munchies "out" of my system- enjoy the junk before I pack it away.

WELL GOOD GRACIOUS... WHY DID I DO THAT?

Now I'm just SICK. And fat. And totally gross feeling.

UGH.... So this is me REMINDING myself WHY I decided to go paleo in January for 30 days.

It's to get THIS nasty feeling OUT of my system. I need to PURGE these cravings and detox from everything I yearn for but everything my body revolts against. I need to take back what is mine, and that is not just my body- but also my will power.

I am so TIRED of feeling out of control. Believe it or not folks... just because you lose a lot of weight does NOT mean the journey is over. My journey is FAR from over. I hit some hiccups in the road that actually extended my journey out even farther and so here I proclaim it:

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Take CONTROL Nichole. Take ACTION Nichole. THIS IS YOUR BODY.

THIS IS MY BODY.

And so in now 42 minutes- I will begin a new chapter in my journey... and I will document it for all to read about. I may do a vlog towards the end- all of my camera's are dead right now. (HAHA- GO FIGURE EH? Not like I'm not a photographer or anything?)

So here are my stats- please don't judge as it is honestly harder to put up that I have gained then it was to initially say how large I started out at.

Paleo Diet Stats BEFORE::

230 POUNDS
6 ft.
Size 16/18
Work out stamina: medium although I feel super sore more often then I had when doing Insanity. Definitely not as fit as I was one month ago. :/

I will take pictures- but won't show those until I have after's.... for obvious "I'm still a girl with some pride" reasons... HAHA!

Thanks for taking this journey with me. I will need all the support I can get!
Love Nichole

Ps. I totally finished my post in time! :) haha!

Nowhere to Go.

I honestly have nowhere to put this. THIS being the emotions that are raging inside me. Being a mother is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done... but it IS most definitely the MOST important.

Tonight my family and I went out and had dinner as a family, and then went to a movie with another family close to us. Tonight we just wanted to spend time together and enjoy each other's company.

Tomorrow my 22 month old goes in for surgery on her finger.

Growth is on right pointer finger. 

The procedure isn't invasive in the least, the going under part is the most worrisome. The growth however is scary. The constant changing and massive size of it is nauseating.

My 22 month old has what the surgeon called an anomaly on Friday.

My 22 month old's mother (me) is scared to death and frantic.

Tonight as we sat in Denny's and got asked politely how we were doing and what we were doing out and about on such a cold night, the waitress gave us our children's meals on the house. Tonight wasn't the normal children eat free night; it brought tears to my eyes.

Going through the menu I was looking at the healthy options and all the caloric ratings of different meals and just felt exhausted. Will I have to do this for the rest of my life?

Yes. I probably will.

But not tonight.

Tonight I decided to just enjoy my evening with my babies and let the guilt go. And you know what- it was fun ... and it was totally fine.

Sometimes life isn't just about the diet, losing weight, or what you look like. Life is SO much more than that... and it's when we discover this tiny little detail that we have reached a certain healing spot in our hearts, at least according to the book of Nichole anyway. ;)

We have to prioritize our lives... and tonight just enjoying my children and picking off their plates and eating candy with them in the movie theater was a priority for me. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I know in the deepest parts of my heart that everything will be okay. Lyndi and I both had blessings, so it has to be. But I still don't know what to expect.

And with that I just ask that you keep me and my family in your prayers tomorrow (Wednesday) and remember to prioritize your own lives too.

Life isn't about your weight or looks.

Life is so much more than that and I pray for the day when we all realize this.

I pray for the day when women can embrace the bodies our Heavenly Father has given us, and hold our heads high and chests out with out worrying.

I pray for the day when the worry is gone.

I hope you all have a wonderful day/ night/ week ... and remember to find joy in all the little things.

Love Nichole

Beast Mode.

For the most part I have been very honest and upfront about this entire journey. I have been working on this for over 18 months now, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Losing weight is such a struggle emotionally and physically. I have hit plateaus and I have broken through those plateaus like a BEAST.

Seriously. 

Beast mode people. BEAST mode. 

Lyndi at 3 months

But lately I have been struggling. And when I say "lately" it has been the last two weeks. I haven't been to the gym. I haven't done Insanity in my garage. And I have only been on a handful of walks. 

I just have been SOOOOO tired. 

I even went to the doctor trying to figure out what is going on with me. 

I mean- lets be honest, I'm a complete hypochondriac. I have EVERYTHING from cancer to a goiter sticking out of my neck. And I'm not trying to be funny or disrespectful... this is honestly a struggle I live with every day. 

I am going to die of something horrible and I can't stop thinking about it! 

My friend and I after Insanity (the last time I did it)- two weeks ago

That being said, yes I know it's a sign of some crazy crap known as DEPRESSION. 

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN....... 

I do struggle with it and am very open about being medicated and the medication has been SUPER HELPFUL but I do worry about random scary things... all... the... time. 

So I got checked. 

NOTHING appears to be wrong. Nothing they can find right off the bat and obvious anyway. (Other than a stinking cold that wiped me out on my butt.) 

SO- No MORE excuses. 

I only have 20 or so pounds until I get to my married weight- CAN YOU IMAGINE what this FEELS like? SOOO CLOSE! 

And yet I can't stop mowing down the Halloween candy. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE Y'ALL or I'm going to head RIGHT back up the fat ladder. And let me tell you, it hurts. 

A close friend asked me recently if I see a difference in what I look like. The truth is, I don't. 

2009- 269 pounds

I know, I know. You are all rolling your eyes right now thinking to yourself that I am fishing for compliments (and perhaps I just might be... heh heh...) but really- I still look like that girl that couldn't run for more than a minute straight through. To me I still look like that girl that COULDN'T do a triathlon- even though I ROCKED one a few months ago.

What MY problem is, and has always been... Is MY perception of myself. I NEED to learn to love myself, no matter what I look like. I need to own who I am and be proud of it. 

Yesterday at Costco I was looking at some super cute zip up hoodies. You know the type, the ones with ribbing that makes you look like you have a tiny waist and amazing lifted "parts." I was in heaven... 

And then some old lady came up to me. 

"You know these are sized smaller than the labels say."

I was holding an XL. 

I just looked at her... and immediately my feather's were ruffled. I wanted to holler at the top of my longs that I am now in a normal size LARGE woman! That I just lost over 60 pounds and holly hannah I deserved to try that FREAKING CUTE sweater on. 

I of course, just smiled and TRIED ON THAT HOODY right there in front of her. Sure. It might have been a little short on me- but WOMAN- it sure as heck fit! 

I guess I have an attitude problem... but I HATE when people tell me I can't do something. It fires a fire deep inside that is just BURNING to eat all the pessimistic haters out there up. 

And yet. 

I am my worst enemy. 

But I promise you- I am still working hard on it. And if you do give me a compliment and I don't seem too enthusiastic about it, just punch me. It isn't anything you are saying- it's my own perception of myself. 

But know this- I know I am strong. And I know I can do it- because I have AMAZING friends and family who support me like crazy. I also know that I'm not alone on this journey and know that YOU can do it too. 

So close. :) We can do this- together we can do this. 

Halloween selfie- Rocking out

Ps. I just got home from working out- including 90 squats, 90 lunges, and 35 sit-ups- hanging upside down from monkey bars. :) Apparently I needed to write about everything I have been feeling. Here's to a great new week and new determination! 

My First Race... Ever.

So I have gone on and on about how I was going to do a triathlon. For years I have trained and got injured and then pregnant. And then injured again. But finally this year I met one of my biggest goals, ever.

I ran my first triathlon.

Granted it was only a sprint- but by golly it was one of the hardest things I have ever done physically and mentally, all at the same time. It was such a test of strength that I didn't even know I possessed! And have never been so proud of myself either. I truly feel like a champion. :)

And to top it off- I had the privilege of doing it with two beautiful and amazing friends. Heather (on the left) and Aimee (on the right).

My original goal was to complete the race in 2 hours and 15 minutes. My friend Cassie even told me that if I made THAT specific goal she would buy me dinner.

I may or may not have SMOKED that goal OUT of the water. I guess you are going to have to continue to read to find out! :) haha!

First off, I trained at doing the quarter mile swim in 9 minutes. I however, was NOT prepared for the onslaught of feet and arms flailing towards my face during the entirety of the swim portion. I had to walk in when I wanted to dive in and then got kicked in the face by numerous feet three different times- to the point of choking. I had to even flip over on my back at one point because someone behind me swam OVER me. WOW. I'm sorry- I didn't realize this was a race to the DEATH!!!

At least now I know what to expect and where to position myself for next time- if there ever is a next time that is. I finished in a little over 11 minutes. I was pretty mad about it... but at least I didn't drown! :)

Now onto the bike portion of the race. 14 miles of hills. Up and down, luckily. But a fairly intense ride if you're pushing yourself hard. In the photo below there is a young woman in blue to the right of me. She should be pretty happy neither one of us died because she passed me going up a hill and then decided to coast going back down it. "WOMAN WATCH OUT!!!"

Okay I didn't yell that- but she was weaving back and forth so I did yell out, "Pick a side, I'm trying to pass." As you can see in this picture we played cat and mouse for most of the race. I beat her going into the second transition though. BOO-YEAH! haha!

And then there's the run.

Oh the run.

How I DREADED that run!

At 3.2 miles it was absolutely HORRIBLE!!!! haha!

So I stuffed my face with gummy bears and went for it. Don't look TOO closely in this next picture below because my cheeks just might be full. Maybe.

Also, running while having to pee is NEVER a good thing. I also learned to not run in wet biker shorts. It creates a rubbing action... that leaves you... a little... raw.

Enough said.

 

Towards the end of the run I was so exhausted. I stopped to stretch my legs and began to walk, briskly- but still a walk. An older man ran by me and said, "Come on girl! We're almost there- lets keep running!" He was so nice and funny. He carried me into the finish line where my friends and family were waiting for me at the finish line. If you can look more closely at the picture directly below me, you can see that I have a huge grin on my face.

 

It's because my friends were yelling, "WOOT!!! LETS GO NICHOLE!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YEAH NICHOLE!!!"

 

It was exhilarating. The most amazing feeling ever.

 

And so I pushed it.

 

Hard.

 

Crossing that finish line was full of so many different emotions. I was so overwhelmed by them I began to cry. I had finally accomplished my dream of running a tri. I had done it.

I was finally able to say that I did it.

To me this triathlon symbolized so much. It's hard to actually explain it in words. Losing almost 60 pounds, with another 40 to go- this was almost a different type of finish line for me. Like, I'm almost there- don't give up yet! So close. :)

I still am so amazed by this accomplishment.

And so here I am today writing my story down for myself, my friends/ readers, and my children- My goal was 2 hours and 15 minutes.

I crossed the finish line at 1 hour and 48 minutes.



IF YOU WANT IT- YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. You just have to believe it- and you can do anything you put your heart to.

Love Nikki.

Who Needs It...

After making my commitment to FINALLY complete a triathlon I signed up and paid my dues. Being quite the penny pincher, I may have gotten a sharp pain behind my left eye paying the late fee's for the Sprint Triathlon. But I did it ...

and now I'm scared to death.

My race is now a week and a half away. And so now I am sitting in my recovery weeks but not before I pushed myself real hard this last week.

My friend Cassie pushed me pretty hard to ensure my endurance can with stand this battle of the mind. I ran my first 10K- well to be honest it was 6.6 miles. I averaged a 12 minute mile. Could I have done better... maybe in another year. I'm proud of this run. The furthest I have gone before this is just over 3 miles. (I think I may have run 4 miles before but eh... I don't remember. haha!) And I have to keep reminding myself NOT to compare my times with other people because the truth is... I have only been doing this like what? 6 months??? lol! I think I should just chill on how long it takes me :)

Last night I rode the 14 mile course that the tri will use. I ended up actually going 15 miles. And let me tell you-  my "who who" ain't feeling it. I have decided that no amount of money is enough to protect this fragile part of my body. I mean really... who needs it?

ME!!! I DO!!!

So after bawling my eyes out to Cassie as we ran 1.5 miles after the ride, I decided to buy myself a gel seat. bahaha! How embarrassing. I bow my head in shame. I will also be getting a pair of bike shorts to wear.

I'm gonna guard and protect those parts of me come hell or high water!!!

So as mentioned above, this next week and a half will be my recovery week(s). I will go on walks and continue to zumba like I normally do. I will also swim a lot. I may go on one more short run before next Wednesday... but I have learned- I GOTTA STORE UP THE ENERGY!

 

So until then, I challenge everyone to make one huge physical goal for yourself to accomplish in the next year. Challenge yourself- pick something you have always wanted to do but haven't felt you could actually do it. Because please- If I can do it... really, you can too. :)

Thank you to everyone who has been pushing and rooting me along the way. As tedious as this is... it is a journey I am so happy to be on.

Love Nikki!

When You Change...

It has been a long time since I have sat down and actually decided to write something for the whole World to see. My journey has continued and I have done quite well actually, with this journey. I have officially lost 57 pounds and am able to play the way I have always wanted to do. I even cut my hair off and made myself look the way I feel- sexy.

But with a change this huge there are other changes that come along the way. Not all of them are what you expected, nor are all of them good. Most is good... but not all.

I'm sure many of you have heard of "fat girl brain." Let me tell you... it is real. I am still very much the same size in my mind as I was when I started out. I was 279 when I began documenting my weight and a size 24 at 6 feet. Today I am 222 pounds and a size 16 at 6 feet. I could barely squeeze into booths at a restaurant and always wore things that didn't fit correctly to hide my true form. I was always tired, cried a lot, and couldn't run a mile.

A lot has changed.

But to me- nothing has changed.

When I'm out running alone I can push myself, but only so far. I give up. "I can't do this" I think to myself and stop. But when I'm out running with my friend Cassie I can go 3 miles. Why can't I do that alone?

The hardest part about losing weight is trying to find out who you are in the process. I have always been very outgoing and active. I love to be a little crazy and explore. I love to challenge myself and lose myself in the moment. Becoming this person again has definitely been difficult when it comes to some of my relationships. People I met when I was at my largest point knew me as "that" girl... and expected me to stay "that" girl. THAT was never who I was. Getting back to me has strained relationships which I never anticipated. You don't just get smaller when you lose weight, you heal. You heal emotionally and mentally. You become stronger... and generally more confident. You stick up for yourself more and put up with less. This is a GOOD thing. But not everyone agrees.

My hardest struggle lately has been in the decision to actually go through with my goal and promise to myself over three years ago and ACTUALLY do a triathlon. I have a lot of support and great friends involved. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck with the fat girl brain. I'm stuck with my confidence. And I'm tired of competing for everything.

I understand this is for me. And I understand that I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be an athlete. My time will not be the best. In fact I MAY be the very last man standing. And I think I'm okay with this. What I am NOT okay with is being asked what my time is and then have it rubbed in my face how much better everyone else did.

Granted I don't know that that will happen. It's a fear I have though. I'm sure it is an irrational one at that too. But it is still a very real fear. One that has taken control for way too long.

And so with this- I am committing.

I WILL sign up for the August 10th sprint triathlon.

I am scared, angry, and tired... BUT I WILL DO IT.

And to all the haters out there... I know where that comes from. I know your insecurities. I still love you for it... and when you are ready to get to know the REAL me, I will be there waiting.

Love a girl who knows YOU ALL have it in you- because trust me... going through what I have been through- If I can do it. YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN DO IT TOO!

 

 

My FACE Hurts!!!

Goodness I have waited awhile to post again. I promise I am ON track still! Yay! Infact I am pretty anxious to weigh in today, especially after Easter weekend.  I will see how well I REALLY did, won't I? ;)

Moving on- do you remember my posting about this:

 

 

Well I finally went in to get THAT fixed... and apparently a WHOLE lot more. I guess you can see it if you are looking really close (but I am naive and had NO IDEA) BUT I had a chipped tooth and several tooth brush abrations that had gotten deep enough to be considered cavities. I also grind my teeth at night and got a wonderful lecture about how that is destroying my teeth.

 

Awesome.

 

Well... today my mouth looks amazing... but I can't open it. :(

 

And on top of that- I'M STARVING!!!

 

I went to bed last night at 5 pm. Half of my face was numb and I was tired of trying to talk through my dead tongue so I called it a day.

 

But at least my smile is pretty! :) And hopefully within this next year my entire mouth will be fixed (because who can afford $1800 for just a quarter of the repairs???) and I can smile big with my porcelain pearly whites! 

 

 

 

But before then... who has some food ideas for a lady who is trying to lose weight and can't eat a whole lot at the moment? I'm guessing ICE CREAM is out?! HAHA!



NON SCALE VICTORIES- and I'm screaming it.

I FEEL LIKE POOH! Can the fact that I woke up be a non-scale victory?

Please?

How about the fact that I bit down on a mini-twix yesterday... and broke one of my molars! LIKE, DESTROYED IT! And so I finally called the dentist. THAT has got to count?

{I have only ever had one cavity in my life... victory?}

Or the fact that I finally went to the doctor for this cold and got CREAMED for working out feeling icky.

LIKE HANDS IN THE AIR, YELLING AT ME.

That doesn't count? Really?

Well then POOP.

I have had a pretty crappy week.

But I HAVE had a SCALE victory- so eat that!

I'm now 248.... and I can't eat for a week. BOOH-YEAH!

But my biggest NSV is a real one- the back boob? IT'S DISAPEARING!!! (You can see for yourself here!)

Hope your week was better than mine! Root canal much? Yay!

She's a NUT... And My Inspiration.

When I was talking to my sister earlier today, she told me about how a friend and her ran 33 reps of stairs... took a break, and then ran another 33. Each set was approx. 21 steps.

"Interesting" I thought to myself as I was getting ready for my workout with my buddy 'ol pal Cassie. I figured that since my sister could do 66 REPS- SIXTY SIX PEOPLE... that I could do three sets of 10.

30 reps aint that bad, right?

WRONG.

Holy freaking cow. Is my sister freaking WONDER WOMAN? I mean COME ON! And lets be honest... I had muscle FAILURE at number 29.

I never even MADE it to 30!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! (Cassie did though, I can't take that win away from her, now can I?) You like how I added that little bit there really small? *wink*

So I have concluded that my younger sister who is amazing and has two children of her own- is a NUT!

And then there is dear Cassie... who puts up with my shenanigans. Dragging my lard up and down the bleachers... constantly pushing me to run- further. She even pushed me from behind once to speed me up.

 

I have NEVER ran so fast in my life. I may have screamed a little even. Just a little though. ;)

So my conclusion about Cassie is this... she TOO is a nut. :)  

 

 

I know "they" say one of the biggest bores is to post "perfect" pictures that doesn't accurately depict reality. But here is what I have to say about that.

 

Both of these women are amazing, even if more than a little nutty. And they are both my inspiration and examples of how I want to be. This IS my reality. I had the pleasure of taking both of their family portraits and feel that they should both be proud of how hard they work to be as healthy as they are. In a World full of photo shopped images, it can be hard for a woman to find a healthy inspirational figure. I just got lucky. I have found two. :)

 

But enough of the love sap over here. Even I am starting to get goosebumps from holding back the bile in the back of my throat. One can only handle so much mush... and I have met my thresh-hold.

 

So... What have I been up to?

 

Surprisingly enough, a lot. And all good! I even started the dreaded "My Fitness Pal" again and it has worked sooo well! (It's free, sign up and look me up!)

 

I lost 3.4 pounds last week. :)

 

I have FINALLY reached the all elusive 250 mark.
 

Oh quit GAGGING at that number. Yeah it's big... just be grateful it aint yours. And realize that I can probably SMOKE you in any race.

 

Haha- okay only if it's a mile long max, right? ;) *snort*

 

So anyway- Hopefully next week I won't have to use that huge ugly weight that says "250" on the scale when I weigh in.

 

And hopefully- JUST HOPEFULLY- I won't EVER have to use it AGAIN!

 

Now THAT would be EPIC.

 

My proof I'm a cyborg hott mama!

 

Have a UBER great week y'all! <3 p="">  =What the crud heck!? THAT was supposed to be a heart... hmmmm....

And with that, I bid you adeau.  And please, don't forget to look in the mirror and look beyond that cyborg too. Believe it or not- you're beautiful baby!

Love Nikki

Frustraton...

Someone said something to me that has been eating away at me... all night. I'm not going to go into too much detail over it except that I wanted to pull out a bag of cookies and devour it. I wanted to so very badly that my stomach hurt and I thought my brain was going to explode. I had that knot at the back of my throat that was either tears trying to escape, or vomit. Pushing "it" back with junk food is definitely the way I WOULD have taken care of it just a few months ago.

And by "it" I mean my emotions.

Instead I am going to take my reaction to this situation as a victory. A sign of growth and healing.

I didn't shovel down a bag of cookies; however I did type out my feelings in a private post.  Angry raunchy feelings.

And now...

I feel better. :) And I don't need the bag of cookies.

VICTORY!

source

 

Who? Me?!

So I'm pretty EXCITED to say I got asked to write a piece for a parenting online magazine. YAY! I turned it in yesterday and am waiting to see what edits have been made to it, or if there is anything I need to do to it before it goes LIVE. ;)

That said... I REALLY wanna post it on here but don't know what to do.

What do you think?

ps. It's about my entire struggle with eating disorders. It's personal, but not TOO deep. I didn't wanna scar some poor unsuspecting soul out there. haha!

ALSO-

My nightly work out buddy is KILLING ME. A slow and horrible death. She makes me RUN with her. No more of that wogging crap my friends. Sprints. And lunges while walking. And the best part?

When a BIG SCARY dog came CHARGING towards me, growl in throat... she yells, "WATCH OUT!"

What do you think I did?

I GRABBED her... and THREW her towards the image I had of a serial killer coming after me with a chainsaw.

I also may have dropped the "f" bomb. I, however, will not admit to such an unlady like word.

So.... short story LONGER... I would have thrown her to her death and ran my big 'ol booty the hell out of there.

I got FLIGHT on the brain!

~Nikki

update 2/19/2013- Silly me... I misunderstood who will be featuring my "story." It won't be an online magazine, but a blog about parenting. :) Woops! haha!

Is 3 Times a Charm? Liebster Award Nomination

HEY-OHH! You know you have ALL missed me. :) It has been one heck of a crazy few days/ weekend. It has been amazing and very enlightening. Empowering and definitely much needed. I feel rejuvenated.

 

First off, Thursday night I started a walking regimine with a new friend. It was a lot of fun the three times we have done it since. That said- tonight was hell. In a... burns soo good sort of way. ;) We actually interval trained and some other things around the perimeter of my town. It was EPICLY painful. (I am currently sitting here with a heat patch on my lower back, and my hair is dripping dry from my HOT shower. "Aint nobody got time fo' dat!"

 

 Secondly, Friday night was the beginning of an AWESOMELY memorable girls weekend I had with about seven of my close girl friends. I miss my lady friends like mad sometimes- and this was a blast!

Don't look TOO closely to this picture v below!
I'm a photographer- but my friend Shelby actually took this shot. Sadly that means she wasn't acutally in the picture. So some of the other girls asked me if I could fix that.

I will let YOU play the WHERE'S SHELBY finding game. ;)

(And if you are looking for me, I'm the blonde amazon... haha!)

 

 

 

We did a lot of eating. A LOT. BUT I listened to my body and ate "okay." I didn't gain any weight- so I'll take that for my weigh-in. haha!

 

We also checked out the most amazing Chihuly Glass Museum. For a photographer- this was EPIC!

 

 

So. Enough about how AMAZING I was this week and how we rocked out with our *&^% out.

Like a boss.

 

I have some serious business I need to get down to.

I was nominated three different times for the liebster award.

 

The Liebster Award is for bloggers with fewer than 300 followers. A blogger nominates 11 fellow bloggers and asks them a set of 11 questions. The rules state that a nominee must link back to the blogger from whom they received a nomination. The nominee will write 11 random facts about themselves and then answer the 11 questions which have been set for them. They in turn will nominate another 11 bloggers (yeah I probably don't even KNOW that many bloggers... haha!) and pose 11 questions to them. This is a really fun way to discover and connect with new bloggers and help us all gain some new followers along the way.

A big thanks to: Life or Something Like It, A Year of Transformation, & KTJ Weighing In.

 

11 Random Facts about me:

 

1. I'm 6 feet.

 

2. My eyes change colors when I'm moody, sad, excited or with my clothes. It's pretty awesome!

 

3. I have three children and had them in 4 years. ACK!

 

4. I LOVE to read and I LOVE to write. (Go figure, eh?)

 

5. I'm a freak and love pink. And lime green. Oh and really into turquoise right now too... and... and... and...

 

6. I have a BA in media communications. Someday I'd like to use it and become a public speaker for eating disorders.

 

7. I am a photographer. I LOVE IT! It gives my heart joy and gives me a release.

 

8. I hate strength training.

 

9. I hate running.

 

10. I love my own personal space and FREAK OUT whenever people drop by unexpectantly.  It's almost as if I go into a full blown panic attack! haha- it's wierd. I have boundaries.

 

And 11. I'm on Prozac and feel it was the BEST thing I have EVER done for myself, and my family. If you have any questions about this or post-partum depression please feel free to ask away. I may have physical boundaries- but I sure can talk a ton! ;) And I'm horrible with secrets.

 

Now. This next part is tricky since three blogs nominated me. So I'm going to go with the first blog I was able to find it on! haha!

1. Favorite book? The Alliance by Gerald Lund

 

2. What made you start blogging? I started blogging five years ago when my husband and I graduated college. I found it to be a great release. I started blogging about my weightloss three years ago-ish. Having online support was almost as good as having someone there with me. I also am the BIGGEST CLUTZ EVA! I really needed to record the happenings for me and my children. I need to have a record of this HELL that I'm living, right?

3. Favorite exercise? UGH. I do NOT have a favorite. I used to be an avid mountain biker and roller blader. I have even mountain climbed a few times. I would say those and swimming are favs.

 

4. Favorite time of year? I love the fall. The color changes after the sweltering heat always makes my heart sing. PLUS- I'm a photographer! haha!

5. What is your goal for the year? 1 pound a week for the year. Yeah... I got some work to do... but I'm not worried. ;) And to learn to love myself no matter what!

6. Favorite holiday? Hmmm... It really isn't a holiday but I LOVE my birthday! hahaha! ;)

7. Best vacation? By far- this weekend in Sea-Town with my girls!

8. Guilty pleasure? If you judge me I will block your crazy arse from my blog. ;) Julie Garwood and Nora Roberts. I can't bring myself to say what kind of writers they are... google it. BAHAHA! (And maybe, JUST maybe... I might be addicted to Toddlers and Tiara's. Only just a little bit though. It's such a train wreck! haha!)

9. If you had a day all to yourself, what would you do? Eat chocolate, read, take pictures, and shave my legs. :P

10. Beauty tip you can't live without? Washing my face with hot water, and rinsing it with cold water. It feels A-MAZE-ING! And I have to rinse my hair with cold water in the shower. Gotta close those pores up!

11. Glass half full or half empty? Depends on the mood. I'm pretty pesimistic generally though. Sad, I know. Hence the prozac. WOOT WOOT! HAHA!

My 11 Questions for whomever cares honestly. I don't know who to nominate- so take it upon yourself to answer these and let me know you did it! ;) I'd love to read your answers!

 

1. What's your favorite memory?

2. What's your favorite name- boy or girl? (I know wierd, but I really love Noriko... but my husband doesn't. haha!)

3. Why do YOU blog?

4. Give us your best advice about anything.

5 & 6. What was your hardest struggle and how were you able to overcome it?

7. What is your favorite show?

8. What is one of your short term goals?

9. What do you want to be when you grow up? (hehe!)

10. What is YOUR guilty pleasure?

11. And how do you deal with your emotions? Do you find it to be healthy? Suggestions or advice about how to help others find healthier outlets? (I'm just curious.)

 

Now take THIS challenge upon yourself and DO IT! Don't forget to check back with me and let me know! (You can click on the Liebster photo and save it to your computer to put it onto your blog too!)

 

Love Nikki

Organizing the Chaos...

In order for me to get myself and my life in order I need organize my mind. But in order to have an organized mind... I need to first organize my home. We have lived in our new home for a year now, and within that time had a new baby. Put new baby in the mix and you have a recipe for chaos and definitely NO time for decorating. But now that my Ms. Lou is getting more independant I have time to actually do things in my home that makes me feel better about it.

So here we go!

 

And so far my one pound a week goal is on fire. Haha! I have lost two pounds. ;) Right on track, right? So that puts me at 256. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. YAY!

Let me know what things YOU are doing to help clear up the chaos in your life?