To Be Your Own Advocate

There is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. And it is something that has come around in my life these last few years several times. In order to get to where you want to be and do what you wish to do- you have to learn to be your very own advocate.

Working out can be daunting if it hasn't been a part of your life in a long while. It can be overwhelming and scary stepping into a gym, or class. Trying out a new video is embarrassing, even if no one is there to watch you flap your arms in desperation while your flab flies in defiance.

Working out can be hard.

Finding a work out partner puts a lot of these unfounded worries aside for the time being. My workout partners in my past have become my best friends. I adore them. Even if I'm not working out with them anymore- they are still very important influences in my life.

But here's the thing... we can't put our health and lifestyle on our partners. They are our friends and confidants. They are there to support us and push us along the journey through hell... But they aren't the one that can do the work for you.

Only you can do that.

Only I can do that.

There will be a time when we will all have a "coming to Jesus" moment when it comes to getting healthy. If you haven't found that yet, you will.

I had mine- not too long ago. It was one of the biggest motivators for me to start this detox journey.

This epiphany is the moment when you realize that yes, I LOVE MY WORK OUT PARTNER- BUT... but if my workout partner can not work out with me today or tomorrow- it doesn't give me the day off.

Yep- I just changed from second to first person there. It was intentional. ;) 

Learn to love yourself enough to know that you can do it- with or with out your work out partner. Be your best friend. Push yourself. Enjoy the journey along the way. It's a long road ... and will be a lonely one if you don't start trusting yourself to be your own cheerleader.

I know that if I can figure this out myself- then you can too.

When you have your own moment of wisdom I want to hear about it. Not some story about pretending you had that moment- but truly. DEEP DOWN had that moment.

Only YOU can change YOUR life.

And I know you can do it if I have been doing it too.

Because guess what- YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL... AND guess what. Reaching beast mode on your own in the gym... it's a beautiful thing. :)

Today I weigh 220 pounds. (Pic was from last week.) I started integrating normal foods back into my diet because I got concerned about the amount of weight loss I was experiencing. 12 pounds so far this month. My worry was that I would gain it all back once I started eating wheat and dairy again. I still eat paleo for the most part- but am not so nazi about it anymore.

The detox worked.

It curbed my cravings and I'm under control again.

And I've learned and developed some new habits. :) I say it was a success.

But more about my final thoughts a little later.

I truly hope that you take what I have said into your hearts. I know the frustration of giving up, and I know the fear of doing it alone. It is an irrational fear and you DESERVE better.

You deserve to be healthy.

You deserve to have the confidence to KNOW you can do it on your own.

Love Nichole- another mama who has had to learn the hard way that she too is worth it.

Nowhere to Go.

I honestly have nowhere to put this. THIS being the emotions that are raging inside me. Being a mother is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done... but it IS most definitely the MOST important.

Tonight my family and I went out and had dinner as a family, and then went to a movie with another family close to us. Tonight we just wanted to spend time together and enjoy each other's company.

Tomorrow my 22 month old goes in for surgery on her finger.

Growth is on right pointer finger. 

The procedure isn't invasive in the least, the going under part is the most worrisome. The growth however is scary. The constant changing and massive size of it is nauseating.

My 22 month old has what the surgeon called an anomaly on Friday.

My 22 month old's mother (me) is scared to death and frantic.

Tonight as we sat in Denny's and got asked politely how we were doing and what we were doing out and about on such a cold night, the waitress gave us our children's meals on the house. Tonight wasn't the normal children eat free night; it brought tears to my eyes.

Going through the menu I was looking at the healthy options and all the caloric ratings of different meals and just felt exhausted. Will I have to do this for the rest of my life?

Yes. I probably will.

But not tonight.

Tonight I decided to just enjoy my evening with my babies and let the guilt go. And you know what- it was fun ... and it was totally fine.

Sometimes life isn't just about the diet, losing weight, or what you look like. Life is SO much more than that... and it's when we discover this tiny little detail that we have reached a certain healing spot in our hearts, at least according to the book of Nichole anyway. ;)

We have to prioritize our lives... and tonight just enjoying my children and picking off their plates and eating candy with them in the movie theater was a priority for me. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I know in the deepest parts of my heart that everything will be okay. Lyndi and I both had blessings, so it has to be. But I still don't know what to expect.

And with that I just ask that you keep me and my family in your prayers tomorrow (Wednesday) and remember to prioritize your own lives too.

Life isn't about your weight or looks.

Life is so much more than that and I pray for the day when we all realize this.

I pray for the day when women can embrace the bodies our Heavenly Father has given us, and hold our heads high and chests out with out worrying.

I pray for the day when the worry is gone.

I hope you all have a wonderful day/ night/ week ... and remember to find joy in all the little things.

Love Nichole

Crashing

This weekend was such an emotional and spiritual high for me. Coming home was exciting, but almost like I crashed hard.

I went with a few girl friends and their families to a church woman's conference this weekend in Portland. It was much needed, fun, and somewhat relaxing. It was definitely something THIS mama needed!

But then when I came home I came home to reality. I was extremely happy to see my children and my husband. He had done such a good job making sure the house looked at least somewhat close to what it did when I left. And to my astonishment- it actually looked BETTER.

So THAT'S when the emotional crash happened.

My husband doesn't NEED me!

He can do it ALL ON HIS OWN!!!

Talk about a little bit of a blow.

I woke up yesterday (Monday) morning feeling a little depressed. I felt fat and frumpy and like a failure at everything.

I know... I know. What? Why? I JUST got back from being inspired and motivated. How could I fall so far so fast?

Well that's how Satan works with us. He tries to get us where he knows we are weak. I struggle with depression and self worth. Of COURSE he would try to get me to see that my husband doesn't need me when what I should have seen is how hard my husband worked to make it a happy homecoming for me.

So, back to Monday. I decided it was time I took control of myself again and so I dropped my son off at school and then drove back to my gym. I dropped the girls off at child watch and I worked my BUNS off for two hours.

And you know what? When I was driving home I felt proud of myself. I felt WORTHY of my family again. And not only that- I was HAPPY.

Exercising does that you know? It raises the dopamine in your brain- it's like a drug! A happy drug! One that I need to get hooked back up on.

And so I woke up again today and immediately drove myself and children to the gym. And again I left feeling re-energized.

So if you are finding that you are struggling just like me, then go out and work out. Build up your self-confidence by toning up your body. It really does work. I promise.

And remember- Satan wants us to hate our bodies because he never got one. We were made in the Lord's image. Of COURSE we are amazing and beautiful. How could we be anything less? I think it is important that we remind ourselves of these little facts every day. With this knowledge we can be prepared to combat anything that heads in our way!

WE. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. (Even if we make horrid faces and look completely stoned. haha! - yeah that's for YOU Heather!)

My First Race... Ever.

So I have gone on and on about how I was going to do a triathlon. For years I have trained and got injured and then pregnant. And then injured again. But finally this year I met one of my biggest goals, ever.

I ran my first triathlon.

Granted it was only a sprint- but by golly it was one of the hardest things I have ever done physically and mentally, all at the same time. It was such a test of strength that I didn't even know I possessed! And have never been so proud of myself either. I truly feel like a champion. :)

And to top it off- I had the privilege of doing it with two beautiful and amazing friends. Heather (on the left) and Aimee (on the right).

My original goal was to complete the race in 2 hours and 15 minutes. My friend Cassie even told me that if I made THAT specific goal she would buy me dinner.

I may or may not have SMOKED that goal OUT of the water. I guess you are going to have to continue to read to find out! :) haha!

First off, I trained at doing the quarter mile swim in 9 minutes. I however, was NOT prepared for the onslaught of feet and arms flailing towards my face during the entirety of the swim portion. I had to walk in when I wanted to dive in and then got kicked in the face by numerous feet three different times- to the point of choking. I had to even flip over on my back at one point because someone behind me swam OVER me. WOW. I'm sorry- I didn't realize this was a race to the DEATH!!!

At least now I know what to expect and where to position myself for next time- if there ever is a next time that is. I finished in a little over 11 minutes. I was pretty mad about it... but at least I didn't drown! :)

Now onto the bike portion of the race. 14 miles of hills. Up and down, luckily. But a fairly intense ride if you're pushing yourself hard. In the photo below there is a young woman in blue to the right of me. She should be pretty happy neither one of us died because she passed me going up a hill and then decided to coast going back down it. "WOMAN WATCH OUT!!!"

Okay I didn't yell that- but she was weaving back and forth so I did yell out, "Pick a side, I'm trying to pass." As you can see in this picture we played cat and mouse for most of the race. I beat her going into the second transition though. BOO-YEAH! haha!

And then there's the run.

Oh the run.

How I DREADED that run!

At 3.2 miles it was absolutely HORRIBLE!!!! haha!

So I stuffed my face with gummy bears and went for it. Don't look TOO closely in this next picture below because my cheeks just might be full. Maybe.

Also, running while having to pee is NEVER a good thing. I also learned to not run in wet biker shorts. It creates a rubbing action... that leaves you... a little... raw.

Enough said.

 

Towards the end of the run I was so exhausted. I stopped to stretch my legs and began to walk, briskly- but still a walk. An older man ran by me and said, "Come on girl! We're almost there- lets keep running!" He was so nice and funny. He carried me into the finish line where my friends and family were waiting for me at the finish line. If you can look more closely at the picture directly below me, you can see that I have a huge grin on my face.

 

It's because my friends were yelling, "WOOT!!! LETS GO NICHOLE!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YEAH NICHOLE!!!"

 

It was exhilarating. The most amazing feeling ever.

 

And so I pushed it.

 

Hard.

 

Crossing that finish line was full of so many different emotions. I was so overwhelmed by them I began to cry. I had finally accomplished my dream of running a tri. I had done it.

I was finally able to say that I did it.

To me this triathlon symbolized so much. It's hard to actually explain it in words. Losing almost 60 pounds, with another 40 to go- this was almost a different type of finish line for me. Like, I'm almost there- don't give up yet! So close. :)

I still am so amazed by this accomplishment.

And so here I am today writing my story down for myself, my friends/ readers, and my children- My goal was 2 hours and 15 minutes.

I crossed the finish line at 1 hour and 48 minutes.



IF YOU WANT IT- YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. You just have to believe it- and you can do anything you put your heart to.

Love Nikki.

My LONGEST Non-scale Victory YET!

I have been waiting... DAYS... to announce my HUGEST Nonscale victory EVA! :) Okay, maybe not the biggest ever in the whole wide World, but definitely one of my biggest physical accomplishments.

 

On Monday I warmed up for 15 minutes by walking with my friend Cassie. Part of our warm-up includes a HORRID hill that is practically STRAIGHT up. It takes about 10 minutes to hike this baby.

 

After our wretched WARM UP Cassie MADE me run. I ran to the corner and started slowing down (this is near a mile mark I think?) and she goes, "I don't think so, Nichole. What part of LONG run did you not understand?" Smirk smirk.

 

I may have yelled a profanity at her. I may have smacked her butt or even punched her arm. I don't really remember because at that moment, my World SHATTERED!

 

As we ran DOWN another BLOODY HILL she hollared out to me, "Don't even think about stopping my friend!"

 

Again with the yelling and terrible friend attitude.

 

She eventually told me we were going all the way to her house. NO STOPPING.

 

BLOODY HELL CASSIE! I'm a FAT girl! Whatcha thinking????

 

AND THEN... I made it to her house. Full of spit and vinegar and sweaty clothes. Guess what she does to me. The unspeakable.

 

She challenges me.

 

"By the way, I'm not stopping until you do..." she says.

 

"Fall. Just trip and fall." I said.

 

So there we were, passing her house and my sanctuary from this painful nightmare.

 

I started counting- out loud.

 

"ONE. TWO." breathe in. "THREE. FOUR." breathe out. 

 

FUNNY RIGHT? Well... I was actually screaming this at the top of my lungs. I was trying to mortify her. In the end I was the one that looked ridiculous when several teenage girls I hadn't noticed walked AROUND us.

 

Wow. EPIC FAIL, Nichole.

 

But in the end Cassie pushed me further than I have EVER ran. Had we both not had to all of a sudden go to the bathroom I'm sure she would have pushed me all the way to my home. (A mile away from her house.)

 

So the numbers?

 

Cassie made me run 2.58 miles.

 

MY FAT BUTT ALMOST RAN A 5k!

 

Now what have YOU got to say about that?!

 

NON-SCALE VICTORY BABE-AY!!!!

  

I've posted this several times- this is my all time inspirational pic. I love Hilary! 

 

 

Dear Mr. Fat Scale

Dear Mr. Fat Scale,

This week I made it. I made it to the point where I don't have to use the FAT WEIGHT on your scale anymore. :) Yay!!! I'm so excited, I reached 249. It was only a little over a pound of a loss this week but I am stinking exstatic about that accomplishment. I ate horribly for three different meals but worked really hard to burn more calories. I'm pretty pleased with the results... and nothing your depressing self can do can take that win away from me.

Mr. Fat scale, I'm super sick right now but you still don't have control over me and what I eat. I'm learning to get rid of you. I'm learning to break my addiction from you. You sir, are a horrible thing. You sir have created so many miserable days and weeks in my life. YOU SIR- can just suck a toe, and MY toe will do just fine!

Mr. Fat scale, one day I won't need you at all anymore. I yearn for that day. The day I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I see stairing back at me. I yearn for the day that I don't see a fat girl, but a beautiful mommy. A beautiful daughter of our Heavenly Father. I will see an athlete.

Mr. Fat scale, although my numbers on your scale aren't dropping drastically... my inches are. I bought new clothes the other day... take THAT you miserable object of my rejections. I fit in clothes from American Eagle and even bought some darling new shoes. Because I am learning to break our relationship and walk away, I am finding pleasure in all of the simple things I used to do for myself. And now that my rolls are getting smaller and firming up, and my muscles are lifting out of the saggy state they have been living in... I will continue to shop for new clothes that make me feel pretty.

YOU MR. FAT SCALE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS ANYMORE.

Although I wish I could just kick you out the door and never look at you again, I unfortunately still have a ways to go before I can rid myself of you, my enabler... my codependant. But I am proud of myself... and I am happy.

 

 

My rolls are melting away like butter... and I will only keep on keep'n on!!! With or with out my

Mr.Fat Scale. :)

 

Love Nikki

Reality...

I just got done reading an amazing blog post done by Skinny Meg. When I say amazing- I really mean it. It was so raw and truthful as to how our bodies change during our struggle to lose weight. I have always KNOWN my body won't look the same as it did before I gained the weight, but I never really thought further beyond that point.

"Meg" showed pictures that were encouraging, but also made me sad. I am working so hard to become healthier, but I also want to be proud of how I look. I want to be able to hold my head high and not be embarrassed about my body. I guess the biggest part of my quest is trying to find a way to love myself, no matter my appearance or size. Just getting smaller and skinnier isn't going to be a magic cure-all for the way I see myself. Especially if my body isn't the way I expect it to be after I lose the weight. The change has to happen within my own mind.

I know I have mentioned this time and time again, usually in a funnier light, but I have noticed my tummy starting to droop more. My sad "purse" or "apron" is getting smaller, but it is sagging. I have caught myself staring in the mirror with my shirt lifted just looking at my stomach. I will turn to the side and look at my profile and frown. Although I am significantly shrinking, I have a battle of the bulge going on below the belly button. And no, I am NOT referring to male anatomy. (Get your mind out of the gutter! *wink wink!)

Last night I worked HARD. I went out with my friend Cassie like I do 4 nights a week, and walked the perimeter of our town. Midway through our walk we stopped at the highschool and ran bleachers. We also did tricept dips, burpees, and planks. When we were done with the bleachers we walked onto the football field and ran lines across the entire length of the football field.

I was nauseous. Sick.

My calves were cramping.

My knees throbbed.

I wanted to stop.

Cassie then cracked some joke about how she's getting old. I argued that being fat is MUCH much worse.

We chuckled a little.

But then we got up, stretched, and continued on our walk through the second half of town.

When I got home last night, limping and sore, I had my husband help roll out my shins with a rolling pin. I yelled... a lot. He also massaged out my lower back and... bottom. It was painful.

But after I was done stretching out my cramping and stiff muscles I busted out my free weights and worked on my arms while we watched our evening shows together.

So although my body may be starting to droop and sag in the most unpleasant of ways, I am working hard to find pride in my body. I am working hard to be an example to my children. I am working hard to be the best me I can be. And love myself as I do it.

Next time I catch myself staring at my not so lovely figure that weight gain and pregnancy have helped create and destroy, I will make it a point to say something positive and uplifting to myself. I will make it a point to encourage myself to keep going... and notice the beautiful ways my body is changing.

Not the ugly ways.

Because although it makes me want to cry and give up... I know I am worth it. And I know that you are all worth it too.

We can do this.

And we can do it with our heads held high- knowing we aren't alone.

We {YOU} AREN'T ALONE.

Love Nikki

An Amazing Woman... and Story...

Hey everyone! I know it has been WAY too long since I have been on here and for that I apologize. My life has been in CHAOS since the last time I have written. We have had a death in the family, gone to Las Vegas to visit family, and I even participated in a Gladiator Challenge. But enough of all that! I wanted to introduce you to Heather.

Heather is a mom just like most of us... except she has a story. Her story is one that is inspirational, and scary. She came to me a few months ago asking if she could guest post on my blog. At first I felt shy that someone I didn't know was interested in writing for me to tell her story... and then I wasn't sure if it was legit. I e-mailed her back and learned that she was a real peson behind her e-mail. Not just another scam. So then I got excited! Anyway, I'm sorry it has taken me so long to post this!

I hope you all read closely... and maybe we all can make sure we're taking care of our little ones the best way we can. By taking care of ourselves first.

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My Shocking Diagnosis

Three and a half months after I had my first child, I heard words that I never expected to hear. I will never forget the shock that I felt when my doctor walked into the room and said just three words, "You have cancer."

As a new mom, I was supposed to be enjoying one of the happiest times of my life. After the initial shock of my diagnosis wore off, I wanted to know everything that I could about my disease. I found out that my type of cancer was called malignant pleural mesothelioma. Mesothelioma cancer is normally a result of asbestos exposure. When I found out this information, I was even more confused. I thought asbestos was banned, and how could I have been exposed?

It turns out that I was unwittingly exposed to asbestos as a child. My father worked as a construction worker, mainly with drywall. The dust from these messy construction projects came home with him every day on his clothes. At that time, we had no idea that millions of small asbestos particles were being spread throughout our car and home on his clothes. I inhaled those fibers day after day. Many years later, this inhalation would result in a very serious form of cancer.

I received my diagnosis when I was just 36 years old. At that time, the Mayo Clinic only knew of one other person my age who had contracted malignant pleural mesothelioma. The typical mesothelioma patient does not look a lot like me. Most patients are males who are older than I am. They typically have worked either in the military or in a trade, such as electricians, construction workers, plumbers and mechanics.

However, doctors started to see a new influx of mesothelioma sufferers. Many women started getting sick, and most of these women were wives of men who worked in these areas. These women were being exposed to asbestos every day as they washed their husband's clothes and cleaned their homes. When a woman would shake the dust out of her husband's shirt, she was inhaling these deadly particles. Some women were also exposed to asbestos as they entered the worked force. Secretaries who worked in office buildings with asbestos in the tiles were exposed on a daily basis.

Sadly, the extent of mesothelioma patients does not end with middle-aged men and women. My case was one of the first of many among younger mesothelioma sufferers. Many of us were exposed to asbestos as young children. I have heard hundreds of tragic stories. Children played in attics that were filled with asbestos, or went to schools that were affected. Others were exposed when they hugged their dads at the end of his workday. Since the asbestos dust was still on his clothing, they were inhaling a poison that would come back to haunt them.

It is sad to see so many other young adults suffering from mesothelioma, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone in my journey. I continue to share my story so that others will know there is hope after cancer. No one expects to spend the best years of their life surrounded by doctors and hospitals, but there is beauty among the ashes.
As this cancer becomes more common, mesothelioma treatments are advancing. More patients are surviving and going on to lead healthy, normal lives.

I would never have chosen a mesothelioma diagnosis for myself, but I refuse to live in fear of this disease. When I share my story with others, I want them to know that there is life on the other side of cancer. When you are very sick, it is easy to feel isolated and lonely. Each time I talk with another young mesothelioma patient, we are able to support each other.

Cancer changed my life, but not all of the changes have been negative. I know that I appreciate the little things in life more now than I did before I was sick. I do not take my friends and family members for granted, and I have learned how strong I can be in the face of tremendous adversity. To learn more about mesothelioma, watch this short video: What is Mesothelioma?

 

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Thank you so much Heather for sharing and teaching us about something not many of us are aware of.

 

You truly exemplify what my title means. You are beautiful.

 

~Nikki

 

It's Been... Awhile!

Hello hello everyone! Today I am 39 and 5 days pregnant! You know what that means, right? Baby Lyndi will be here ANY day now and I just wanted to leave a quick update about how I've been doing.

Well...

Not so great weight wise! But that's okay. I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty or to beat myself up over this pregnancy's weight gain. I am resigned to the fact that me and pregnancy are not friends and this has been a pretty intense year for me. So- weight gain was inevitable. The new question is... WHAT am I going to do about it now?

As soon as I have my baby girl and get cleared I am on a new mission. Same idea, just some new motivation.

I hope you all come back to help support me along the way, and I hope I can inspire any other new mommies to join me too! :)

Because remember... WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL! *Even if we are the size of a beached whale at nearly 10 months pregnant! haha!

A Book...

So I started reading a book. (I know... Crazy that I can read, right?! HAHA!) In this book it talks a lot about over-eating and over coming obstacles. It also talks about how setting a huge weight-loss goal can actually hinder your success. I have to admit that I was REALLY skeptical at first until the author started talking about his struggle with binging and purging.

SMACK.

I was immediately absorbed. I have this fascination with eating disorders and have even written a small thesis on two of them, annorexia and bulimia. I, however, never delved into the world of over-eating because I never thought this could be me. In fact when I was writing my thesis I was already fully absorbed in my new world of agony. I didn't even know it yet. I thought I was just better. I was eating... and that was good, yes? NOPE. It was just my "disease" taking a new route because I had mentally road blocked any other way for my issues to express themselves.

So when I read about this author's struggle very similar to mine I became more interested in what he had to say. I mean, he has obviously kicked his "habit" and is even famous for being an inspirational interventionist. That has to count for something, doesn't it?

I think I will take upon myself a new venture that may help me along this healing lifestyle change. If you are interested in joining me the book is called Just 10 Lbs. by Brad Lamm. I have a friend who was on the VIEW recently because she is working hand in hand with Brad fighting this battle herself. Even if I don't agree or like parts of the book I will still learn something... so here I go! :)

I will (of course) leave blog/ journal entries as I move along through the book. Hopefully some of the "issues" I have had with self-image and food can help someone else out there... because as hard as it is to believe this...

WE. ARE. ALL. BEAUTIFUL.

And we deserve to live our lives knowing as much.

It's Time...

Sitting down she has to wipe at her chin with the back of her hand. Slobbering like a dog begging for food she slowly opens the white box. Groaning from both pleasure and guilt she stares at what lies before her.

Chocolate.

Chocolate Donuts.

She tosses the box down to the ground and pulls at her hair, trying to control the change that is starting to overcome her body. Finally giving in she throws herself on top of the strewn morsels and begins to tear into the meat of the dirty little temptations.

"MOMMY..." asks her tiny son with eyes as round as the moon. "What are you doing?"

She sits up and cleans up her face trying to muster enough strength to respond with out scaring her little boy.

"Mommy is just... playing?..."

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Have you noticed I haven't written a blog in over a week now? Well if you haven't, I sure have! I've noticed it every single day as that day has passed. Why? Because I'm struggling. Sitting down and facing my issues on here is a little overwhelming. But if I don't record how I feel now then not only am I not being honest with you, but I am not being honest with myself.

Last Thursday I had the amazing cream puff. It was so good and so rich I only ate the one, and even had a hard time holding it down. It was pretty rich, and after not eating sugar for two weeks I had quite the sugar rush.

Unfortunately for me that sugar rush started some type of feeding frenzy. That night I wanted another. No I didn't go and buy more, but the next day I gave in and had some cookies. The day after that Josh and I had fast food. Monday I had a doctors appointement and decided I deserved a treat. Oh- did I forget that Sunday was superbowl? Actually... I did really well on SuperBowl Sunday because we spent it with Rachel's family. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and now today. Every single day I had one or a couple chocolate donuts.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME????

Well, today is a new day and I have not had any sugar today. I decided since It's still morning time and while I'm still golden I better make another pledge for myself. I have a really hard time when I don't achieve my own personal goals, so I know if I do this now I will have a better chance of keeping to it. I pledge that today and tomorrow I will not have any sugar. Monday (Valentines Day) I will allow myself one dessert. My husband already has a special date planned out for us and I think that as long as I keep myself with in reason I should be able to control myself enough to enjoy one treat. Then starting Tuesday the 15th I will not have sugar for 14 days.

I know I have a problem controlling my caloric intake. I am also discouraged because of my injuries. So this is the time I need to be on top of my eating. If I let it all go down the toilet now I will have gained nothing and learned zip from this entire journey. I know I can do this... because I have to do it. There is no if's, what's, or but's about it. I HAVE to do this now. My clock is ticking and my heart needs me to become the best and healthiest I can be NOW. I may not ever get another chance and what is Josh supposed to say to my children if I do have an early heart attack or be diagnosed with heart disease? It just isn't the life I would like for my children.

So here is me making another promise to myself for myself and for my children. Because I may have hard days and I might be disappointed I can't achieve some goals, but it does not mean I get to sabotage everything else I have worked so hard for.

I hope you can learn from my mistakes and we can take this journey together because not only will I need your support, but I learn from your experiences as well.

Here's to us- because who really wants to be called a crack addict? lol! ;)

Love Nikki

ps. Above story is NOT a true representation of what happens between me and chocolate. I promise!!! HAHA!

The Infamous Purse ...

Do you know what "purse" I am referring to? Well let me give you a hint. It's not the bag us young ladies enjoy carrying all of our change and receipts in. It's something a little more... disturbing.

Some may even know it by the name- apron.

Have you figured it out?

Yes? No?... It is the infamous nasty saggy belly that all postpartum mothers get after giving birth to their miracles. It is the stretched out flabby stomach that every person experiences after they lose a ton of weight. It is something that should ALWAYS stay hidden. haha! :)

Today I had an experience with my lose skin/ purse. It was a mortifying moment in my life this morning that left me flushed with shame and shaky with humiliation. While playing basketball my pants fell part way down... and out... came... the... PURSE!!!

I was running down the court to my offensive position as a post. Panting for air and trying to make sure I get there quickly I dodged #30 from the opposing team. As I got to the key I slowed down and just as I was turning around, while lifting my hands in the air I felt a ... breeze.

Oh no.

Only someone who has lost their pants before knows how that feels and it is not a pleasant or happy moment.

Panicked I lowered my arms quickly and grabbed for my pants just as I noticed my shirt was up a bit as well.

"WHAT AM I? NAKED???" I frantically thought to myself as I hucked my pants up to my chin. Re-adjusting my jersey I began to shake and looked around like a trapped dog searching for a way out.

No one is looking.

By now both teams are up in the key jumping around like a group of teenagers dancing in a mosh pit. The ball seems to be bouncing up and down in the air like a beach ball at graduation. I forget my misery and with a grunt jump up to catch a rebound.

Now... there are two points that I'd like everyone to take home today from this story.

1.) I was mortified and wanted to crawl out of the gym and die. But! I didn't. I moved on.
2.) When I got home I went STRAIGHT to the bathroom and lifted my shirt to exam my nasty belly. What did everyone get a nice good look at today?

And pleasantly surprised I noticed this... MY SKIN HAS FINALLY TIGHTENED UP.

How have I not noticed this before?

No longer does my belly hang over my pelvis. No longer can I grab hand fulls of it and pretend to think it's funny when inside I'm sobbing in disgust.

Now don't get me wrong- I have a LONG way to go before I want anyone to see this belly, and even then it'll remain a mystery for all those around me. I still have a lot of toning to do, and my skin has lots of room for improvement in the un-stretching department but I SEE and FEEL a difference.

WHAT I'M DOING IS FINALLY WORKING!!!

My body is morphing into a body that I can recognize under the fat and skin. :) This gives me the motivation to keep going, and the inspiration to let you all know that YOU CAN DO IT TOO.

LOVE NIKKI!!!!
ps. Today is day 5 of NO sugar!- AND! The picture is one of embarrassment... not tears. ;)

The Signed Contract...

So I know many people are working hard at their new year "resolutions" and most have decided to be done with sugar. I congratulate all of you who have found that it is harder than it appears, yet still have kept at it.

Today my best friend made me sign a contract. Now this isn't an every day kind of contract. It isn't even a "no sugar" contract. It's more of a way to hold me accountable for all the binge eating I appear to have been doing since December.

I'm not sure how in depth I've gotten about some of my problems associated with food. I know I have mentioned that I have gone from one extreme to the other- not eating to binging and purging... to just plain binging. But have I ever gone through the emotional inner battle I face daily when I look at a package of cookies? Or perhaps the guilt and horror I feel after I've finished said cookies?

Probably not.

Why? Because those little things are what make an eating disorder as destructive as they are. I do not handle stress well at all. I never have. I have a problem with control, and as it so appears this control manifests itself with food. If I feel like my life is thrown into chaos, you'd better believe the cookies, m&m's, and chocolate are all pulled out of the cupboards. Actually- lets be completely honest here. I never have those things at home because if I do I can't control myself. I eat them... all. So if I'm upset, what do you think I do?

Yup. I go to the store. Pretty disgusting, huh?

But you see, that's one of the other struggles I have that makes this monster of a disorder such a bear. I FIND MYSELF DISGUSTING. Or the binge eating disgusting, rather. So it's time. It's time I face my monster in the mirror. It's time I quit this sugar craving and make myself the woman I yearn to be.

And with that- it starts today. Today I signed the contract. No sugar, sweets, or any unnecessary foods in my diet for two weeks. And to ensure I'm able to complete this task, and not feel isolated or alone in this habit breaking venture Rachel has signed one too.

I need to control my eating. I need to control my "natural man" and be a mother to my children. How horrified I would be if my daughter saw me behaving this way and began imitating me. I have to do it now.

Wish me luck as you work towards your goals as well. Know that many of you have inspired me to do this myself. Yes I worked hard last year. Yes I've done something I have never done before by losing weight. Now I have to do something even harder- kick the habit.

Lets kick it together.

The Best Part...

What's the best part about losing weight to you? Really... I want to know. I need some new motivators. :)

So far for me it's buying new clothes in NEW sizes!!! I finally broke down and bought new underwear (again!), new jeans, and a new jacket! I was soo excited! I even cried a little in the dressing room.

I started out in a size 24 jean. Now I'm a size 18! This is my prepregnancy pant size. I realize to most of you a size 18 is still fairly large, but for me it's actually a GOOD size! At my SKINNIEST I was only ever between a 12/14! Do you realize what this means??? 2 more sizes to go and I am GOLDEN! :)

I also went down two sizes in the... um... brazier? department as well! This was a moment to rejoice! I probably scared the lady in the stall next to me because I began jumping up and down while I attempted to muffle my shouts of joy. (I can't imagine that gave a very good impression...) But the ending result?!

A bomb looking mama! That's what!!

I also really love Winter/ Fall styles. I love the colors and LOVE the cuddly bundle look. So yes, my figure is hidden... but I know that it looks better underneath! :)

ps. That's my man of five years in the two-shot. Isn't he cute? :)

Comment Response...

A comment from my Aunt Julie:

Nicole,you're doing terrific! Every body slows down some in the weight loss journey. But that doesn't mean anything other than the fact that we have a tendency to get a little lax in what we are doing ourselves. Yes, there is the metabolism factor, too. So don't give up on the exercise.

I had come to the conclusion that I would never be able to meet my goal weight again in my life. The one thing joining Weight Watchers has done for me is give me back that hope. Because every week I see others achieving remarkable successes. But one thing I've seen with WW is that we have to eat less with every ten pounds lost. It's only because the body requires less food. Thank heavens for all the yummy filling veggies - kick out of your rut and try veggies you've never tried before. Did you know yams can be eaten raw? Have you ever tried spaghetti squash with the tomato spaghetti sauce over the top? Veggies are our fill it up salvation!

I also think as we go into the winter months, our body thinks it has to go into hibernation. We hunker down indoors because it's just too cold to be outside, and we quit moving quite as much. That does not help one bit, either.

You are doing terrific and remember that cube of butter - the quarter pound lost is still a victory worth cheering over! I still have around 50 lb to go, too. Maybe we can help each other along on this great struggle!

*******************************************

You know what- I actually did not know that Aunt Julie. I BET that's what has slowed me down! I haven't adjusted my food/ caloric intake in months. I really like the spaghetti idea and I think I'd like to try it either tonight or tomorrow night. Yummm! When I first started doing this I ate yams or sweet potatoes every night. Then they just slowly started slipping out of my dinner plans.

And as to the hybernation- yah my body has definitly decided to hold on to the extra fat in all the awkward areas. Perhaps instead of doing at home work-outs as I have been doing I should pick up on my jogging again. The next triathlon season IS around the corner after all! :)

Thank you so much for your support and your comments. I find them very inspirational and love that we can help one another while fighting this internally physical battle! :)

Love Nikki

Questions and a Vow

I have many questions that have haunted my mind through out my life. Will I ever get married, will I have kids- if so how many, will I ever graduate with a degree, what will I do with my life and many many more. And like you, I find myself drowning in some of those questions.

Yesterday I was asked a question that kind of made me sad. I was asked if I still write in my blog. The reason this silly questioned saddened me is because it really has been awhile since I was consistent in my blog writing. Sometimes I feel if I don't have anything amazing to report then I shouldn't report. Perhaps that's why I'm feeling lost right now. Writing/ venting/ crying/ and laughing in my blog helps me make sense of my life and the obstacles losing weight has brought into it.

I told my friend that yes I still keep a blog but the weight loss journey has slowed down quite a bit. She laughed and told me that the closer I got to my goal the harder and slower it will become but to keep trucking along. When she said this I had an epiphony. I only have 50+ pounds left to go. That is AMAZING.

I started this struggle at 80 pounds overweight. I'm almost half way there friends. That is something to be celebrated and if some stranger would have told my story back to me I would congratulate them. I need to celebrate every loss, every moment of wisdom, and yes even every failure. It's through our failures and mistakes that we will actually learn and grow. If I never make a mistake, how can I grow from it?

So I make a vow. I vow to continue to write in my blog. I vow to bring humor and craziness into your lives if just for a moment. I vow to find beauty in my life if you all promise me something. You all have to make a vow as well. You have to vow to find beauty in yourselves, and in your lives as well. And if you have any great moments that you would like to share then please do! I love to read about other's ideas and struggles. It makes it real for me. It makes me feel as if we are helping one another, and I thrive on that.

So here's to us- all the beautiful men and women out there struggling with self-image and self-critisims. There's nothing in this World holding us back but ourselves.

Love Nikki

ps. Grandma you can write me a comment by clicking on view comments. There's a message box and when completed you can click on anonymous. There will be weird letters and numbers you'll have to verify but once you do that I will be able to see your comment. You won't see it until I do however. Does this make sense? Make sure you put your name though! haha! Or you can e-mail me at isnt_she_beautiful@hotmail.com . I love you- and am excited you found my blog!!!

Another One Bites the Dust... (week 29/30)

So if you're wondering where on Earth I've been, I don't really have a good excuse. I think I've been feeling a little discouraged because of different people in my life and how slow this has turned out to be for me. Never-the-less... another one bites the dust!

For the first time in three years I'm below 238. I lost another pound this week! :) Yes that means I'm only at 237- but who cares! A POUND IS A POUND PEOPLE... and I'm VERY pleased with this new number on the scale. It IS safe to say I danced a little and shimmied alot when I looked down at that dreaded scale. Victory is mine I yelled out loud with my arms raised to the ceiling!!! ...Um perhaps not quite like that, but you get the picture right?! :)

Anyway, as you might have gathered from my last post I've been having a hard time. Someone dear to my heart had a minor heart attack over a week ago. At the time we didn't know what was happening and this person was transported from one hospital to another. It took hours and another day later to learn that he would be okay and is actually now hippidy hopping his way through life again. This doesn't change the fact that I had a very life changing moment when I got that phone call.

Comfort food and lots of crafting and designing seem to be what helped me get over my slump this week. I've done minor little cardio exercises but nothing extensive- hence my surprise to learn that I lost another pound. I guess implementing portion control into my life has really impacted and changed my life... one pound at a time. This pleases me because now I know that I'm not just going to bounce back to being overweight, but maintain a healthy lifestyle once I achieve this goal of mine.

But this leads me to another issue I've been trying to accept. I have a friend (she may or may not read this blog but a lot of you know who she is) who has been losing A LOT of weight recently. When I say a lot- I mean like 50 pounds in 3 months. Heck! It's taken me 6 months to lose 32... talk about an emotional battle. Now I don't want to offend anyone here, so please know before hand that I respect this individual and am so excited for her accomplishments, but feel somewhat envious at the ease she seems to be shedding the pounds. Is life so unfair? ...

No. It doesn't work that way. I actually had to step back and analyze both of our situations and lifestyles. I am NOT trying to lose weight. I mean, I am...but it's so much more than that. I'm trying to change bad habits and make a healthy life change. Losing weight at such a rapid intensity would NOT benefit me. Sure, I could drink a vitamin drink every day for half a year, but how does that teach ME how to eat correctly on my own? Plus, I have two children and my own anatomy has physically changed. If I don't do resistance training and work out harder then I have ever in my life I will look like a nasty saggy bean bag. No thank you. Not what I, myself, am aiming for.

So kudo's to you dear friend for losing your weight, you deserve this. :) You are working hard and cutting the crud out to make yourself healthier and I am proud of you. For me... I am proud of the way I'm doing it as well. Instead of feeling envy, I've learned to feel happiness and still feel proud of my accomplishments too.

Because in the end... through every individual battle we are all going to make it. In the end... no matter how different we execute our goals we are all beautiful.

Holy Midnight... (*Warning- Some may find photo's offensive)

It's almost midnight and I just can't seem to drag my body to bed. Why you wonder? Well, let me tell you. I AM SO SORE! Holy freckles I can't believe how much a body can go through and still continue on. I can't believe how much I've done and still tip the scale over 200! I am amazed.

So let me fill you in a little bit!

Tonight was pretty intense. I haven't been to an actual workout "class" in almost three years. And the last ab class I've been to? I was 21! Well, that was all changed when I entered the doors of Experience Momentum with Rachel. I was excited, but a little nervous. When I walked into the room my nervousness turned into feelings of intimidation. I do not enjoy being this heavy- hence me working out to lose the weight, right?! It's even worse when you see awesome athletic women... in the same mirror reminding you what you weigh! I hated seeing myself, however I will admit the mirror's purpose totally helped me out. After I got over the gagging and nausea at my sorry attempt of pretending to know what I'm doing I used the mirror to help perfect my form. I definitely got a great work out in. My tummy can attest to it!

Something else I've been working on through out the day is a little self-motivation. I read somewhere earlier that visualization techniques can really help someone attain their goals. Finding pictures of what you want to look like, or would rather not look like and then posting them around your home can actually jump start your brain into actually believing you are beginning to look like your goal.

Anyone have a problem with that??? I sure don't!

So. I've been searching online for pictures that I feel best symbolize my animosity towards being overweight and what I'm yearning and aiming for in this journey. While searching for these pictures I really tried to keep it as realistic as possible.

The two pictures I chose to be what I don't want to look like may appear humorous, but they weren't picked for that at all. I hate my stomach. I feel as if my stomach resembles the old woman's protruding gut. The naked backside may seem awful (I DID edit this picture!) but when I look in a mirror, that's what I see!

These two shots will be my reminders when I grab a few of my children's snacks.

And then there is the wonderful beautiful women I chose as my inspirations! I didn't choose the flat stomached super model. Nor did I choose the large breasted porn star! I chose an everyday clean looking young woman.

This is attainable! This can be me in two years ... to a point of course! I may still have some loose skin and of course stretch marks. But those aren't marks of ugliness. NO! They're the markings of a mother. The markings of a woman who worked hard to become healthy.

The markings of a warrior!

Okay- all corniness aside, training for next triathlon season has definitely given me some new insight.

Look at this picture of Hillary Swank. How beautiful is this photo? I LOVE IT! Now I don't ever want to be 15% body fat, and I don't want to jump that high off the ground ... in sand or grass! I just want to be able to run as fast as I can and not worry about falling and completely destroying my rib cage because of the weight of my own body.

Hillary Swank- this photo inspires me! You are beautiful!!!

Who else is beautiful you wonder? My work-out buddy turned best friend! Rachel ran her first triathlon on Saturday. I was so proud of her. As I watched and rooted for her on the sidelines I could actually visualize myself right behind her. I'd say right beside her, but we both know that will never be the case. I'm not quite competitive enough for that! :)

I love that she's smiling as she tears down the hill at the end of a 14 mile bike ride!

...And although she may not be sprinting like a wild mustang as the photo of Ms. Swank may look like- Rachel definitely held her own on her way to the finish line!



She did such a great job. Sadly I didn't get any "great" shots of her. Having two toddlers running around and too slow of a camera made it difficult. She really looked great and came out on top!

I'm so proud of you Rach!!!

So while Rachel was running her crazy first triathlon I walked 6 miles round trip completely lost trying to find the lake front. Stressing out worried I'd miss her I hustled myself across Kirkland. I even had a couple of the "volunteers" raise their eyebrows at me when I would ask how far to the race. Several of the answers usually included miles-plural.

I didn't let it discourage me, though. And so Sunday (and even today!) Rachel AND I are both sore!

**Here's to feeling great! And I hope you all find some visualization that helps uplift you in your personal struggles and journey's. With the help of each other and the Lord... everything is attainable!