Crashing

This weekend was such an emotional and spiritual high for me. Coming home was exciting, but almost like I crashed hard.

I went with a few girl friends and their families to a church woman's conference this weekend in Portland. It was much needed, fun, and somewhat relaxing. It was definitely something THIS mama needed!

But then when I came home I came home to reality. I was extremely happy to see my children and my husband. He had done such a good job making sure the house looked at least somewhat close to what it did when I left. And to my astonishment- it actually looked BETTER.

So THAT'S when the emotional crash happened.

My husband doesn't NEED me!

He can do it ALL ON HIS OWN!!!

Talk about a little bit of a blow.

I woke up yesterday (Monday) morning feeling a little depressed. I felt fat and frumpy and like a failure at everything.

I know... I know. What? Why? I JUST got back from being inspired and motivated. How could I fall so far so fast?

Well that's how Satan works with us. He tries to get us where he knows we are weak. I struggle with depression and self worth. Of COURSE he would try to get me to see that my husband doesn't need me when what I should have seen is how hard my husband worked to make it a happy homecoming for me.

So, back to Monday. I decided it was time I took control of myself again and so I dropped my son off at school and then drove back to my gym. I dropped the girls off at child watch and I worked my BUNS off for two hours.

And you know what? When I was driving home I felt proud of myself. I felt WORTHY of my family again. And not only that- I was HAPPY.

Exercising does that you know? It raises the dopamine in your brain- it's like a drug! A happy drug! One that I need to get hooked back up on.

And so I woke up again today and immediately drove myself and children to the gym. And again I left feeling re-energized.

So if you are finding that you are struggling just like me, then go out and work out. Build up your self-confidence by toning up your body. It really does work. I promise.

And remember- Satan wants us to hate our bodies because he never got one. We were made in the Lord's image. Of COURSE we are amazing and beautiful. How could we be anything less? I think it is important that we remind ourselves of these little facts every day. With this knowledge we can be prepared to combat anything that heads in our way!

WE. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. (Even if we make horrid faces and look completely stoned. haha! - yeah that's for YOU Heather!)

Beast Mode.

For the most part I have been very honest and upfront about this entire journey. I have been working on this for over 18 months now, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Losing weight is such a struggle emotionally and physically. I have hit plateaus and I have broken through those plateaus like a BEAST.

Seriously. 

Beast mode people. BEAST mode. 

Lyndi at 3 months

But lately I have been struggling. And when I say "lately" it has been the last two weeks. I haven't been to the gym. I haven't done Insanity in my garage. And I have only been on a handful of walks. 

I just have been SOOOOO tired. 

I even went to the doctor trying to figure out what is going on with me. 

I mean- lets be honest, I'm a complete hypochondriac. I have EVERYTHING from cancer to a goiter sticking out of my neck. And I'm not trying to be funny or disrespectful... this is honestly a struggle I live with every day. 

I am going to die of something horrible and I can't stop thinking about it! 

My friend and I after Insanity (the last time I did it)- two weeks ago

That being said, yes I know it's a sign of some crazy crap known as DEPRESSION. 

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN....... 

I do struggle with it and am very open about being medicated and the medication has been SUPER HELPFUL but I do worry about random scary things... all... the... time. 

So I got checked. 

NOTHING appears to be wrong. Nothing they can find right off the bat and obvious anyway. (Other than a stinking cold that wiped me out on my butt.) 

SO- No MORE excuses. 

I only have 20 or so pounds until I get to my married weight- CAN YOU IMAGINE what this FEELS like? SOOO CLOSE! 

And yet I can't stop mowing down the Halloween candy. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE Y'ALL or I'm going to head RIGHT back up the fat ladder. And let me tell you, it hurts. 

A close friend asked me recently if I see a difference in what I look like. The truth is, I don't. 

2009- 269 pounds

I know, I know. You are all rolling your eyes right now thinking to yourself that I am fishing for compliments (and perhaps I just might be... heh heh...) but really- I still look like that girl that couldn't run for more than a minute straight through. To me I still look like that girl that COULDN'T do a triathlon- even though I ROCKED one a few months ago.

What MY problem is, and has always been... Is MY perception of myself. I NEED to learn to love myself, no matter what I look like. I need to own who I am and be proud of it. 

Yesterday at Costco I was looking at some super cute zip up hoodies. You know the type, the ones with ribbing that makes you look like you have a tiny waist and amazing lifted "parts." I was in heaven... 

And then some old lady came up to me. 

"You know these are sized smaller than the labels say."

I was holding an XL. 

I just looked at her... and immediately my feather's were ruffled. I wanted to holler at the top of my longs that I am now in a normal size LARGE woman! That I just lost over 60 pounds and holly hannah I deserved to try that FREAKING CUTE sweater on. 

I of course, just smiled and TRIED ON THAT HOODY right there in front of her. Sure. It might have been a little short on me- but WOMAN- it sure as heck fit! 

I guess I have an attitude problem... but I HATE when people tell me I can't do something. It fires a fire deep inside that is just BURNING to eat all the pessimistic haters out there up. 

And yet. 

I am my worst enemy. 

But I promise you- I am still working hard on it. And if you do give me a compliment and I don't seem too enthusiastic about it, just punch me. It isn't anything you are saying- it's my own perception of myself. 

But know this- I know I am strong. And I know I can do it- because I have AMAZING friends and family who support me like crazy. I also know that I'm not alone on this journey and know that YOU can do it too. 

So close. :) We can do this- together we can do this. 

Halloween selfie- Rocking out

Ps. I just got home from working out- including 90 squats, 90 lunges, and 35 sit-ups- hanging upside down from monkey bars. :) Apparently I needed to write about everything I have been feeling. Here's to a great new week and new determination!