Losing Weight.

Losing weight sucks. And apparently my body has decided to hold onto everything again. Dang it.

Day 4- GAG...

I will just let my video do all the talking for me. Please ignore the pampered chef pan... that baked our chicken- the only thing we ate!

For the most part everything else has been... satisfactory. I have found some favorites. Okay, I'm lying... I actually haven't yet- but at least I am surviving right?

I thank the good Lord every day I started purchasing thrive freeze dried fruit however. It's the only thing keeping me alive when I have moments like the video above shows. ;)

MONSTER.

You know that new song out by Rhianna and Eminem? Monster? WELL... Lets just say you don't need to be afraid of him any longer. Oh no.

Be afraid of ME.

I HATE getting off of sugar- but what's worst? I have never gotten off of sugar, dairy AND wheat at the same time before.

I am freaking frothing at the mouth.

Frothing I say.

I am the thing that as a young child you fear is in the dark. I am the thing that you see in the corner of your eye when home alone watching a scary movie.

I am the creature hiding in your closet that you hear scratching in your subconscious while you lie there sleeping.

I hope I don't ever have to feel this way ever again.
(And lets be honest, you are hoping I don't ever describe THAT again...)

I woke up this morning completely broken out and having to pee like a pregnant woman all night long. I don't think I have ever felt so water logged... probably a sign I haven't been drinking enough water for a long time.

What we ate last night for dinner was a cleansing type dinner.

The colon cleansing type.

It did NOTHING to me. (Thank goodness, right? haha!) But sadly my husband went to bed singing a completely different tune. Makes me laugh a little right now just thinking about the hell I am putting him through.

Muwahaha!

He has also been popping antacids like candy.

Funny since we have been cutting a lot of crap out- but hopefully he'll see a difference in a week.

I'm just hoping I SURVIVE the rest of the week!!!! (Wait? Is that tomorrow? ha! I wish! It's Feb. 1st.)

What are some of your treats that don't include wheat, dairy, or sugar? Besides apples and some sort of nut butter- cause... I've had my fill of butter... and nuts. HA!

Oh goodness... and with that I bid you adieu! And I'm sure I will type something tomorrow since supposedly tomorrow is supposed to be WORSE!!!!

WHAT THE "H"- why am I doing this to myself, again???

And just for farts and giggles- enjoy my day two montage.

LOONEY I TELL YA- I'm going looney.

Crashing

This weekend was such an emotional and spiritual high for me. Coming home was exciting, but almost like I crashed hard.

I went with a few girl friends and their families to a church woman's conference this weekend in Portland. It was much needed, fun, and somewhat relaxing. It was definitely something THIS mama needed!

But then when I came home I came home to reality. I was extremely happy to see my children and my husband. He had done such a good job making sure the house looked at least somewhat close to what it did when I left. And to my astonishment- it actually looked BETTER.

So THAT'S when the emotional crash happened.

My husband doesn't NEED me!

He can do it ALL ON HIS OWN!!!

Talk about a little bit of a blow.

I woke up yesterday (Monday) morning feeling a little depressed. I felt fat and frumpy and like a failure at everything.

I know... I know. What? Why? I JUST got back from being inspired and motivated. How could I fall so far so fast?

Well that's how Satan works with us. He tries to get us where he knows we are weak. I struggle with depression and self worth. Of COURSE he would try to get me to see that my husband doesn't need me when what I should have seen is how hard my husband worked to make it a happy homecoming for me.

So, back to Monday. I decided it was time I took control of myself again and so I dropped my son off at school and then drove back to my gym. I dropped the girls off at child watch and I worked my BUNS off for two hours.

And you know what? When I was driving home I felt proud of myself. I felt WORTHY of my family again. And not only that- I was HAPPY.

Exercising does that you know? It raises the dopamine in your brain- it's like a drug! A happy drug! One that I need to get hooked back up on.

And so I woke up again today and immediately drove myself and children to the gym. And again I left feeling re-energized.

So if you are finding that you are struggling just like me, then go out and work out. Build up your self-confidence by toning up your body. It really does work. I promise.

And remember- Satan wants us to hate our bodies because he never got one. We were made in the Lord's image. Of COURSE we are amazing and beautiful. How could we be anything less? I think it is important that we remind ourselves of these little facts every day. With this knowledge we can be prepared to combat anything that heads in our way!

WE. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. (Even if we make horrid faces and look completely stoned. haha! - yeah that's for YOU Heather!)

Beast Mode.

For the most part I have been very honest and upfront about this entire journey. I have been working on this for over 18 months now, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Losing weight is such a struggle emotionally and physically. I have hit plateaus and I have broken through those plateaus like a BEAST.

Seriously. 

Beast mode people. BEAST mode. 

Lyndi at 3 months

But lately I have been struggling. And when I say "lately" it has been the last two weeks. I haven't been to the gym. I haven't done Insanity in my garage. And I have only been on a handful of walks. 

I just have been SOOOOO tired. 

I even went to the doctor trying to figure out what is going on with me. 

I mean- lets be honest, I'm a complete hypochondriac. I have EVERYTHING from cancer to a goiter sticking out of my neck. And I'm not trying to be funny or disrespectful... this is honestly a struggle I live with every day. 

I am going to die of something horrible and I can't stop thinking about it! 

My friend and I after Insanity (the last time I did it)- two weeks ago

That being said, yes I know it's a sign of some crazy crap known as DEPRESSION. 

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN....... 

I do struggle with it and am very open about being medicated and the medication has been SUPER HELPFUL but I do worry about random scary things... all... the... time. 

So I got checked. 

NOTHING appears to be wrong. Nothing they can find right off the bat and obvious anyway. (Other than a stinking cold that wiped me out on my butt.) 

SO- No MORE excuses. 

I only have 20 or so pounds until I get to my married weight- CAN YOU IMAGINE what this FEELS like? SOOO CLOSE! 

And yet I can't stop mowing down the Halloween candy. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE Y'ALL or I'm going to head RIGHT back up the fat ladder. And let me tell you, it hurts. 

A close friend asked me recently if I see a difference in what I look like. The truth is, I don't. 

2009- 269 pounds

I know, I know. You are all rolling your eyes right now thinking to yourself that I am fishing for compliments (and perhaps I just might be... heh heh...) but really- I still look like that girl that couldn't run for more than a minute straight through. To me I still look like that girl that COULDN'T do a triathlon- even though I ROCKED one a few months ago.

What MY problem is, and has always been... Is MY perception of myself. I NEED to learn to love myself, no matter what I look like. I need to own who I am and be proud of it. 

Yesterday at Costco I was looking at some super cute zip up hoodies. You know the type, the ones with ribbing that makes you look like you have a tiny waist and amazing lifted "parts." I was in heaven... 

And then some old lady came up to me. 

"You know these are sized smaller than the labels say."

I was holding an XL. 

I just looked at her... and immediately my feather's were ruffled. I wanted to holler at the top of my longs that I am now in a normal size LARGE woman! That I just lost over 60 pounds and holly hannah I deserved to try that FREAKING CUTE sweater on. 

I of course, just smiled and TRIED ON THAT HOODY right there in front of her. Sure. It might have been a little short on me- but WOMAN- it sure as heck fit! 

I guess I have an attitude problem... but I HATE when people tell me I can't do something. It fires a fire deep inside that is just BURNING to eat all the pessimistic haters out there up. 

And yet. 

I am my worst enemy. 

But I promise you- I am still working hard on it. And if you do give me a compliment and I don't seem too enthusiastic about it, just punch me. It isn't anything you are saying- it's my own perception of myself. 

But know this- I know I am strong. And I know I can do it- because I have AMAZING friends and family who support me like crazy. I also know that I'm not alone on this journey and know that YOU can do it too. 

So close. :) We can do this- together we can do this. 

Halloween selfie- Rocking out

Ps. I just got home from working out- including 90 squats, 90 lunges, and 35 sit-ups- hanging upside down from monkey bars. :) Apparently I needed to write about everything I have been feeling. Here's to a great new week and new determination! 

Ugh. It's Been a Rough Week.

Something happened two days ago that really tore me up emotionally. It wasn't really THAT big of a deal other than the fact that I had put myself out there... and yet was still "rejected." That moment when you realize your needs aren't as important to someone else as you have made their needs to you. Does that even make sense?

I have helped put something together that I was passionate about, but quickly lost interest because of all the ungrateful attitudes that seemed to be directed towards me. But once it was done, I thought I'd be able to move on. To just get over it.

But I haven't.

My heart is still heavy.

I feel as if I am carrying the burdens of the World on my shoulders right now. And that is such a sad feeling.

Feeling used, and taken advantage of takes so much out of someone. A simple, "thank you" goes so very far.

And then I feel even worse because I don't hide emotion very well and I have had several different friends ask if I was upset with them.

I just need to find some way to kick this raunchy feeling. Maybe I will put a show on and take a nap with my lovely little people that I love so much.

I hope you are all having a better week than I and that my crappy week turns into a great weekend.

Till then my pretties.

My FACE Hurts!!!

Goodness I have waited awhile to post again. I promise I am ON track still! Yay! Infact I am pretty anxious to weigh in today, especially after Easter weekend.  I will see how well I REALLY did, won't I? ;)

Moving on- do you remember my posting about this:

 

 

Well I finally went in to get THAT fixed... and apparently a WHOLE lot more. I guess you can see it if you are looking really close (but I am naive and had NO IDEA) BUT I had a chipped tooth and several tooth brush abrations that had gotten deep enough to be considered cavities. I also grind my teeth at night and got a wonderful lecture about how that is destroying my teeth.

 

Awesome.

 

Well... today my mouth looks amazing... but I can't open it. :(

 

And on top of that- I'M STARVING!!!

 

I went to bed last night at 5 pm. Half of my face was numb and I was tired of trying to talk through my dead tongue so I called it a day.

 

But at least my smile is pretty! :) And hopefully within this next year my entire mouth will be fixed (because who can afford $1800 for just a quarter of the repairs???) and I can smile big with my porcelain pearly whites! 

 

 

 

But before then... who has some food ideas for a lady who is trying to lose weight and can't eat a whole lot at the moment? I'm guessing ICE CREAM is out?! HAHA!



My Eye Balls Itch.

UGH. My eyes are totally going to make me grab a fork and stab myself. It is actually pretty disgusting and funny how I got infections in both eyes. In my late 20's.

I got down and dirty.

I mean truly.

I was weight lifting in my strength training class... and my nasty sweat was pouring off of my head and dripping everywhere. I looked as if I had just stepped out of the shower.

The part that totally sucks was I was lying flat on my back doing arm flies. And the SWEAT off of my HAND dripped into my EYES.

AUACKKKKK!!!! *&%$!!!! #$%*!!!!

How disgusting is that?

And to make matters worse, it burned- like a crowning baby. I had to sit up quickly and rubbed the mad crap out of them with the back of my sweaty hands. Yeah. Way to go me. I totally gave myself pink eye.

In both eyes.

And it's hott.

(Ps.  I was going to insert a picture of someone elses pink eye here... but my stomach totally turned and I almost vomitted when I googled it. I dare you to do it on your own free time. haha!)

Now onto some AMAZING news for myself! I was so proud of myself last Saturday!!!

I ran my very first mile straight through- ever. Even when I was skinny I couldn't run a mile straight through with out stopping. I have no idea what the time was, but I'm pretty sure it was somewhere around 12 minutes. This is huge for me- it cut down my mile another 3 minutes from two weeks ago.

YAY!!!! GO ME!!! :)

I also had to rough it up and pee in the woods this week during one of my nightly workouts.

I guess I'm starting to fit in my surroundings.

I'm totally a redneck now.

And for some more proof of my total rednecked-ness... look who tried to get into our house the other night. :)

Aint he so cute? haha!

Frustraton...

Someone said something to me that has been eating away at me... all night. I'm not going to go into too much detail over it except that I wanted to pull out a bag of cookies and devour it. I wanted to so very badly that my stomach hurt and I thought my brain was going to explode. I had that knot at the back of my throat that was either tears trying to escape, or vomit. Pushing "it" back with junk food is definitely the way I WOULD have taken care of it just a few months ago.

And by "it" I mean my emotions.

Instead I am going to take my reaction to this situation as a victory. A sign of growth and healing.

I didn't shovel down a bag of cookies; however I did type out my feelings in a private post.  Angry raunchy feelings.

And now...

I feel better. :) And I don't need the bag of cookies.

VICTORY!

source

 

Heffer- on attack.

HOLY MOTHER FREAKING COW!!!!

I went to a strength training class yesterday. It was my first time since.... well it has been awhile. lol! ;)

How'd it go?

Well... lemme tell ya!

I  CAN'T MOVE.

I almost feel like I snapped my back in half and stabbed my hamstrings with a fork- five billion times.

The tricepts are popping up in full force- like they are ready to blow up from the amount of CRAP that is tearing my body in half.

They say when you lift weights and build up muscle, you are tearing muscle fibers. And that you need to give yourself a day of rest so that your muscles can mend.

MY MUSCLES AREN'T MENDING. THEY ARE FALLING OFF OF MY BODY.

And they are taking my brain with them!!!!!!

I need to take a hot shower... and burn off all of my skin. I need to pop my neck and back, back into submission... and tear off my calves while at it.

And can I just leave you all with one more thought. A question if you will?

WHY DO WOMEN WANT ABS???

I honestly feel like I have been in labor all morning. I mean, sure. I want to be hott too. But at the expense of putting myself into false labor every time I do a crunch? Because apparently that's how it feels to build up those long gone flabby friends of mine. I'm not so sure this is what I signed up for when I went to that class yesterday.

Pop my eyeballs back into my head- I am going to take some ibueprofin and ice this sexy phat body of mine.

AND THEN I'M GOING BACK TO THAT CLASS TOMORROW! ;)

Image found on bing images.

Everybody LOVES a Whiner- Whuddya Thinking?

I know, I know. No one wants to read about someone else's woes or hear them whine. But... since this is MY blog, I want to whine and woe!

 (Stop judging... you think it's funny too! haha!)

I have had absolutely NO desire to eat right these last couple of weeks. Okay. I'm going to be honest here- for two months. TWO MONTHS of only wanting CRAP to eat is NOT the way you're supposed to lose weight. And it is discouraging.

It takes a LOT of discipline to eat right... all day... every day. A LOT.

And man, I was kicking trash. I was averaging 3 pounds a week just eating right and working out every day. Some might say that I burned myself out but I know the truth. My knee. My attitude. My CHOCOHOLIC ADDICTION!

When something goes wrong I tend to throw my hands up in the air. It isn't the right attitude and I do need to learn to just ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES but that takes practice. I need to practice rolling my big 'ol booty before I take punches along with it. It 'aint that easy friends. Not one bit.

Yesterday and the last couple of days I have been lethargic. I have had NO energy. I have been hating on everything and everyone. I am the shiz. You get that people! The shiz! How can people NOT see that???? haha... Okay, that was a bit too intense, even for me. ;) But really, my attitude sucks.

For some reason I have been justifying my bad habits. I will wake up in the morning and stare at all the yummy amazing cereal in our pantry and talk myself INTO eating it.

"Mmmmm... Nichole. You know you want it. It's so good. Look! The caloric intake is LESS than what you could possibly eat while eating healthy."

And then when I am done with my MASSIVE bowl of Cookie Crisp I have another conversation with myself.

"Mmmm... Nichole. That was SO good. Wasn't that just a party in my mouth? Mmmm... Lets replay that party!"

And then I have a second bowl... except this time it is Captain Crunch.

And then I feel like CRAP. Like- UBER crap!

Not only have I started my day off bad with horrible eating habits, but I am now bogged down by guilt and sugar. And then I crash from the MASSIVE sugar high I get from all that sugary goodness.

And this is the cycle.

I am a crack head.  A full blown sugar crack insaniac!

So right now as I am woeing and whining about my sadness due to my lack of self control I am having a banana, peanut butter, and vanilla whey protein shake. I am trying to pull in the reigns of my insaniac tendancies because I know it is a lifestyle change. It isn't going to be easy or fun. It is going to suck. Infact, it will suck worse and worse every time I have to re-detoxify myself.

Getting fat is easy friends. It is easy and it is lonely. It is easy and it isn't all that fun. Getting skinny... now that's the hard stuff. And it is hard and it is once again LONELY. But I need to stop being my own co-dependant and just CUT THE CRAP.

So today I'm starting over again. I am having my protein shake while boiling eggs for my lunch. I will count my calories again even though I HATE IT to the very core that is me. HATE IT! But I will do it.

Because friends- I have got to believe that there is a light at the end of this hellish tunnel and the only way I will ever see it is if I do the work.

I. CAN. DO. THE. WORK. I have to believe that I can.

xoxo Nikki
Ps. All pictures were found using BING images. First picture was edited to keep this blog as PG as possible. ;)

Holla Back Y'all!

Welcome back to my page of physical pain and doom. Er ... I mean ... Hello? Haha! A lot has happened in my monthly hiatus but I am back, again.

Isn't it funny how I seem to disappear for long periods of time? Well let me clue you in on a little secret. If I have disapeared, then generally I have fallen off the wagon or am injured. Again.

And I have fallen off... because of another injury!

Injury, injury, where art thou injury???

But instead of this being a blog about my injury I will just tell you that I fell two months ago and DESTROYED my husband's rubikscube. AS IN OBLITERATED! And in the process pee'd my pants screaming in miserary. I literally PEE'D myself as I bellowed in pure agony at the impact my knee made with the floor.

While I was whimpering and possibly cursing, my husband lifted my big ol' butt off the ground (or rather helped me roll over) and then I almost puked. My knee was the size of a cantelope! I thought I had flipped my patella! My cap was wrong... just WRONG...

ACK!!!!! YUCK!!! OUWIEEEEEE!!!!

OKAY. So that is that and I am quite the drama queen. My knee cap never dislocated and I apparently have the lowest pain thrush hold eva! EVA!!! (Scream that out loud just for fun. It should sound something like "ever." SHOULD being the operative word...)

So here I sit with a HUGE smile on my face because today I am physically FATIGUED! For the first time in two months I was able to reach that super high that only illegal activity or exercise can create. Woo. I am on FIRE. And I am exhausted.

After two classes of Zumba and an hour of abs and weight lifting I can honestly say I don't care about what I weigh... because no fattie can rock that.

And I ROCKED it!

So here are some words from me to the young girl who snickered at me during class tonight:

Yeah. I'm big. But I am the most awesome 28 year old mom you will ever meet. You keep laughing honey cause I smoked you in class today. I noticed you stopped snickering when my booty shook harder than yours and I also noticed you sat down when I still worked the floor like a fake professional dancer. Oh yeah. Someday you will get it after you have three kids yourself. Someday. In the meantime? Your rude snickers only make me feel sad for you... because instead of making fun of the fat girl in class, you could have been having a "real" experience yourself. But that's okay... because you know what? I ROCKED IT!!! :) Even as you were making fun of me.

I ROCKED IT!

Sneaky Evil Calories

On Monday I weighed in... and KICKED butt! In five weeks I have lost 15 pounds. Lots of ZUMBA moves, calorie counting, and iron pumping got me there. But there is something that I have noticed that is starting to change the direction of the scale.

Sneaky EVIL calories!

Or restaraunts that pretend they have healthy options... but in turn end up KILLING you!

And guess what... I am SO going to call this place out!

Red Robbin sucks, y'all. I went out with a friend last night and ordered a wrap. I HATE wraps. I WANTED a nice, juicey and greasey avocado bacon burger. I almost wonder if that would have been better? Instead I ordered the whiskey bbq chicken wrap.

And to my amazement this morning when I logged my calories... it was over 1,000 calories ALONE!

Ew!!!!!!!!

I can just FEEL the grease dripping out of my poors. The fat attatching right back onto my sorry excuse of a stomach. And all the work I have done this week completely shot.

But I will NOT let this discourage me. It wasn't my free meal, for I already had my treat the night before... but I will learn from this moment. No one cares about MY health BUT me. No one is going to stop me from consuming large quantities of calories but myself. Only I have the power to control what goes into my own mouth.

Today I make a vow to myself.

I will take charge of myself, starting with what I consume now. I will no longer trust the food industry and I will teach my children to be weary of all the false health foods too.

This is no longer just a fight against me and the ever so yummy junk food.

Oh no.

THIS IS WAR!!!

Picture found here.

An Eye Rolling Revelation!...

As many of you know (but many still don't!) I have an announcement to make...

I'm....

Not diabetic! HAHAHA! :)

Okay- so honestly I'm pregnant with my third baby. Yay! ...BUUUUT this definitely will put my weight "LOSS" on hold for awhile... but not stop me from being the healthiest me I can be and make this pregnancy the best I have had yet. This is the fittest I have been pregnant and I intend to stay as active as possible. Now you know why I am in the pelvic floor class, eh? HAHA! Honestly though as soon as I create a plan with my doctor on how to manage my weight and the developing baby I will be able to share it with you.

That said I did find out this morning that I am NOT diabetic. After my car accident my urinalysis registered sugar in my urine and my walk-in doctor was adamant that I had diabetes and needed to be tested immediately. Being the stubborn mule that I am, I passively refused by never showing up. I just never went in. How would I have developed diabetes AFTER losing a lot of weight- but not while I was the heaviest I have ever been? It boggled me and I decided he was full of pooh.

Now don't get me wrong, I do respect doctors greatly and I appreciate their concern for their patients, but since having my daughter I have kind of learned to call their bluffs. Most doctors are soo worried about being held liable or be sued they'd rather scare the living snot out of you even if the indicator is so small and minute. My philosophy? THINK BEFORE SPEAKING. I was JUST in a serious car accident... could it be possible there was sugar in my urine because of stress???

Anyway- so all my ranting aside, when I was at my first OB appointment yesterday they MADE me take this test because heaven forbid I go into this pregnancy blind. (Crazy stubborn Nichole...) And this morning I looked online and guess what- HEALTHY AS AN OX! Nothing unusual about me other than pregnant. And the only reason this is unusual is because we have NO idea how far along I am... was I pregnant before the accident? Or afterward??? According to the records I would have gotten pregnant the day OF the accident- NOT LIKELY... :P So in a week, July 2nd, I find out everything that has been running around confusing me in my brain and I can't wait.

Here's to being healthy and trying to remain that way!!! An d I wish all you luck in your journey's to becoming a better you too!

Where Did I Go?...

I bet you're wondering what the heck has happened to Ms. Nichole, hmm? Well let me tell you! One HOUR after I mailed in my registration form to participate as a relay during my first Triathlon I got hit head on in my car. (Which we had only had for two months!)

Doesn't life sometimes leave you wondering, " WHAT THE HECK?!!!"

So through many phone calls and lots of stressing out, and yes even some injuries later I got an e-mail stating that my check has been shredded for the triathlon.

So here I am, left to wonder what the heck do I do now? I am so tired of all these CRAZY obstacles that continue to pop up in my road to a happier and healthier life. Not only did we have to FIGHT for them to NOT total out the car, I have to wait for all my injuries to heal. And then there is the frustration of the other party that caused the accident in the first place... but we'll let that one alone for now.

And still, after all my ranting I'm in the same spot. Where do I go from here? I guess time will only tell. At least my beautiful children are okay and my injuries are ones I can live with. Because although I am truly FRUSTRATED with this situation; I KNOW that there is a plan out there for me and that I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Love Nichole

^ Before

v After

I'm going in tomorrow to get my referral's for physical therapy and massage on my right arm and neck. I'm kind of looking forward to that personally... I've had a whip-lash migraine since the accident. Wish me luck!

A Bit... Anticlimactic!

I've been quite the flake master lately when it comes to keeping up with the "Jones'." A lot of it has to do with nothing but griping to report... and who REALLY wants to read about griping? So I've been trying to keep myself busy in other avenues.

I finally figured out why I have been SO sick since November. Ear infections, sinus infections, AND the uber gross eye infections. Well, I'm not a walking festering head of sickness I am happy to report; I am a walking festering head of allergies.

Huh.

Well that feels a bit anticlimactic doesn't it?

I guess normal people just use antihistamines and decongestants when they have allergies to help keep their head dry and not oozing. Not I. I never had allergies... so didn't know how to take care of them.

Seriously though?! How gross is it that I have had nasty fluids sitting in my head continually growing bacteria causing me to practically DIE every other week? Pretty nasty gross! HAHA!

So here I am saying- I have it under control finally. So what am I going to do about it? Well as soon as I sign off here I am going to work on my weekly schedule and work extra hard on my arms. Due to traveling I haven't been able to keep up with my ab routine so I'll work on them today as well.

Here's to this week full of flowers and Clariton- because apparently I am the only person in the World who never had allergies before. I hope you get to enjoy it too!

;) Love Nichole

A Little Sad ...

So if you have been following my blog then you know the wonderful health situation my family has been in this Winter season. My daughter recently got over an ear infection, and I two months ago did as well. Well today it was confirmed that once again I have another ear infection along with another sinus infection. To add on top of that my son has an ear infection too. :( Can I say that I have had it with these VIRUS'! HAD IT I TELL YOU!

So here's the scoop on what has been plaguing my mind as of late...

I have been feeling nauseous and extremely fatigued these last two weeks. Every day it seemed to get worst. I'm usually pretty in tune with my body and what is going on. I was SURE that I was pregnant. All the emotions of wondering if I am pregnant or not ran through my mind rampantly. I was excited, nervous, frustrated, and more excited. Is it silly for me to have felt frustrated? I have so much more weight to loose and I really wanted to have the chance at having a healthy normal pregnancy. The thought of gaining all that weight back already was heart breaking to me. But of course the idea of having another little chubby bundle to love and adore completely out weighed the frustrations I felt.

When I was at the doctors office I explained all of my symptoms and illnesses that I have been gifted with and they ordered a pregnancy test. I realized at that moment that I hoped with all hope that I WAS. How disappointing it was to learn that my symptoms were related to these silly infections ravaging my entire head. :(

I guess that gives me more time to lose some weight before I am gifted with another child to love... and I hopefully can take advantage of the second chance allotted to me. But I can't help but wonder what the good Lord has in store for me.

I hope it isn't any more head colds. ;)

Love Nichole

A Smelly Quirk...

Working out with Mark over at EM has been incredible. Not only am I feeling better physically, I'm feeling pretty freaking great emotionally too! It has been quite the blessing.

I do however have an embarrassing admission! Everybody has quirks about them that make them unique. I have many quirks but the biggest quirk that seems to be ruling my life right now is smelling good.

Now this doesn't sound as horrible as it actually may be. When I work out I tend to sweat profusely. That doesn't mean I smell like horrible dirty sweat, but it does mean I become uber paranoid that I do! So before every work out in public I slather myself in lotion and use body sprays and good smelling medicated deodorant. Yah, I told you I'm a little crazy.

Well... something happened on Tuesday that may have CURED me of my obsession. Have you ever been in a situation where there are only five people around and someone ELSE passes gas? And YOU know you didn't do it... but what if everyone else thought it WAS you? Well... embarrassing as it was and is to admit this exact thing happened to me.

Mark had me on some stretching cage contraption where he had to climb all over behind me to help manipulate my hips in order to get a good stretch in. And then the forsaken smell hit me. OH GOSH. I started to smirk a little- yes I still act like a grade schooler when someone else farts in public- but then... THEN I realized how bad it looked ON ME! I was the one stretching funky and the smell by now had gotten soo RAUNCHY I had to start breathing out of my mouth to keep from gagging. If I was asked to describe it the only thing I could say is rotten eggs with a little sickness backing it up. HAHA- Oops. I guess I did just describe it.

My apologies!

Anyway, the entire time I was working out desperately trying to not TASTE this horrible stench I was purple faced and paranoid that everyone would think it was me.

And because of the shade of my face, I'm pretty sure everyone thought it was me. So there goes my good smelling re pore. I guess I don't have to shower, slather, spray, and deodorize before every exercise anymore.

Thank goodness!

It's Time...

Sitting down she has to wipe at her chin with the back of her hand. Slobbering like a dog begging for food she slowly opens the white box. Groaning from both pleasure and guilt she stares at what lies before her.

Chocolate.

Chocolate Donuts.

She tosses the box down to the ground and pulls at her hair, trying to control the change that is starting to overcome her body. Finally giving in she throws herself on top of the strewn morsels and begins to tear into the meat of the dirty little temptations.

"MOMMY..." asks her tiny son with eyes as round as the moon. "What are you doing?"

She sits up and cleans up her face trying to muster enough strength to respond with out scaring her little boy.

"Mommy is just... playing?..."

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Have you noticed I haven't written a blog in over a week now? Well if you haven't, I sure have! I've noticed it every single day as that day has passed. Why? Because I'm struggling. Sitting down and facing my issues on here is a little overwhelming. But if I don't record how I feel now then not only am I not being honest with you, but I am not being honest with myself.

Last Thursday I had the amazing cream puff. It was so good and so rich I only ate the one, and even had a hard time holding it down. It was pretty rich, and after not eating sugar for two weeks I had quite the sugar rush.

Unfortunately for me that sugar rush started some type of feeding frenzy. That night I wanted another. No I didn't go and buy more, but the next day I gave in and had some cookies. The day after that Josh and I had fast food. Monday I had a doctors appointement and decided I deserved a treat. Oh- did I forget that Sunday was superbowl? Actually... I did really well on SuperBowl Sunday because we spent it with Rachel's family. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and now today. Every single day I had one or a couple chocolate donuts.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME????

Well, today is a new day and I have not had any sugar today. I decided since It's still morning time and while I'm still golden I better make another pledge for myself. I have a really hard time when I don't achieve my own personal goals, so I know if I do this now I will have a better chance of keeping to it. I pledge that today and tomorrow I will not have any sugar. Monday (Valentines Day) I will allow myself one dessert. My husband already has a special date planned out for us and I think that as long as I keep myself with in reason I should be able to control myself enough to enjoy one treat. Then starting Tuesday the 15th I will not have sugar for 14 days.

I know I have a problem controlling my caloric intake. I am also discouraged because of my injuries. So this is the time I need to be on top of my eating. If I let it all go down the toilet now I will have gained nothing and learned zip from this entire journey. I know I can do this... because I have to do it. There is no if's, what's, or but's about it. I HAVE to do this now. My clock is ticking and my heart needs me to become the best and healthiest I can be NOW. I may not ever get another chance and what is Josh supposed to say to my children if I do have an early heart attack or be diagnosed with heart disease? It just isn't the life I would like for my children.

So here is me making another promise to myself for myself and for my children. Because I may have hard days and I might be disappointed I can't achieve some goals, but it does not mean I get to sabotage everything else I have worked so hard for.

I hope you can learn from my mistakes and we can take this journey together because not only will I need your support, but I learn from your experiences as well.

Here's to us- because who really wants to be called a crack addict? lol! ;)

Love Nikki

ps. Above story is NOT a true representation of what happens between me and chocolate. I promise!!! HAHA!

A Pain in my Shin...

Remember how several posts and a week and a half ago I fell playing basketball? I hurt my groin and in turn had some rubber band action with my right calf/ tendons? Well I think this may have either brought an underlying issue to a head (shin splints), or I really pulled something in there.

*ARGH!!!*

Could this really have happened when I have so much of myself riding on the hope I can compete in my first triathlon in May?

Okay- I'm probably being a tad dramatic right now, especially since I still have about 4 months left but soft tissue injuries are a BEAR to heal. I also need to train hard as often as I can from now until then. I'm a big girl with a need for some serious endurance training. Will two months be enough to make me comfortable enough to swim, bike, and run for three (or more) hours? I sure hope so.

They say nothing holds someone back more then themselves. Well, I may have held myself back unintentionally.

Now I need to stay optimistic and hope this problem will clear up on its own. If I can't do a triathlon until the middle of the season then fine. That will have to be enough to suffice my need for this. The most important point about going down this competitive road is to help me get fit and lose weight. I will succeed. :/ I hope. ;)

Now to more exciting news... today is day 7 of no sugar! The last day of my first week! Yay me! I lost 1 pound and feel super great. I've been sitting at 237 for MONTHS and finally can jump (or limp) for joy at seeing 236.

It's been a rough one... but my leg and I? We'll get through it... together.

xoxo Nikki!

ps. I'm going in to see the doctor today at 4 pm. We shall see what the prognosis is! :)