Chocolate.
Chocolate Donuts.
She tosses the box down to the ground and pulls at her hair, trying to control the change that is starting to overcome her body. Finally giving in she throws herself on top of the strewn morsels and begins to tear into the meat of the dirty little temptations.
"MOMMY..." asks her tiny son with eyes as round as the moon. "What are you doing?"
She sits up and cleans up her face trying to muster enough strength to respond with out scaring her little boy.
"Mommy is just... playing?..."
********************************************************************
Have you noticed I haven't written a blog in over a week now? Well if you haven't, I sure have! I've noticed it every single day as that day has passed. Why? Because I'm struggling. Sitting down and facing my issues on here is a little overwhelming. But if I don't record how I feel now then not only am I not being honest with you, but I am not being honest with myself.
Last Thursday I had the amazing cream puff. It was so good and so rich I only ate the one, and even had a hard time holding it down. It was pretty rich, and after not eating sugar for two weeks I had quite the sugar rush.
Unfortunately for me that sugar rush started some type of feeding frenzy. That night I wanted another. No I didn't go and buy more, but the next day I gave in and had some cookies. The day after that Josh and I had fast food. Monday I had a doctors appointement and decided I deserved a treat. Oh- did I forget that Sunday was superbowl? Actually... I did really well on SuperBowl Sunday because we spent it with Rachel's family. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and now today. Every single day I had one or a couple chocolate donuts.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME????
Well, today is a new day and I have not had any sugar today. I decided since It's still morning time and while I'm still golden I better make another pledge for myself. I have a really hard time when I don't achieve my own personal goals, so I know if I do this now I will have a better chance of keeping to it. I pledge that today and tomorrow I will not have any sugar. Monday (Valentines Day) I will allow myself one dessert. My husband already has a special date planned out for us and I think that as long as I keep myself with in reason I should be able to control myself enough to enjoy one treat. Then starting Tuesday the 15th I will not have sugar for 14 days.
I know I have a problem controlling my caloric intake. I am also discouraged because of my injuries. So this is the time I need to be on top of my eating. If I let it all go down the toilet now I will have gained nothing and learned zip from this entire journey. I know I can do this... because I have to do it. There is no if's, what's, or but's about it. I HAVE to do this now. My clock is ticking and my heart needs me to become the best and healthiest I can be NOW. I may not ever get another chance and what is Josh supposed to say to my children if I do have an early heart attack or be diagnosed with heart disease? It just isn't the life I would like for my children.
So here is me making another promise to myself for myself and for my children. Because I may have hard days and I might be disappointed I can't achieve some goals, but it does not mean I get to sabotage everything else I have worked so hard for.
I hope you can learn from my mistakes and we can take this journey together because not only will I need your support, but I learn from your experiences as well.
Here's to us- because who really wants to be called a crack addict? lol! ;)
Love Nikki
ps. Above story is NOT a true representation of what happens between me and chocolate. I promise!!! HAHA!
4 comments:
I can totally relate- when I am struggling- blogging about it is the last thing I want to do- I also relate to that "feeding frenzy" sensation once you cheat just a little. Valentines day season is the hardest for me. I can withstand treats at Thanksgiving and Christmas better than I can this time of year. (probably because all the pink)
It takes a lot of humility on this type of blog, where at the start you hoped so much it would be just one constant post about successes following successes, and how you overcame the beast with all kinds of glory, to admit that it doesn't always come off the way we start out thinking it ought.
I think your reaction to the sweets is pretty typical. At least, I'd like to think I'm normal, and today I've had a very similar day. The sad thing is that when I tackle the food with reckless abandon, I don't even get any pleasure out of it. If I'm going to eat something that tastes wonderful but is not wonderful for me, I ought to at least enjoy the flavor, right?
But Valentine's Day or not, our body needs a little sweet at the end of the day. The big trick is keeping the sweet small. And enjoying every little tiny morsel of it, looking at the food, savoring it, owning it. And then leaving the rest alone. Honestly, studies have shown that a little sweet at the end of a meal signals to the body that it is done eating. That's why it can be detrimental to leave the beast alone entirely. My efforts are to control it. I personally have found that a couple of chocolate kisses with some nuts is a great combo at the end of a meal, gives me my chocolate, and helps me feel satisfied. However, a chocolate donut would definitely leave me hunkering for more and more.
Love you, Nichole. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing your very human experiences. I know you can do this. It isn't ever going to be a straight shot however. We just can't let moments of weakness turn into months of weakness. I'm proud of you!
Giiiirl, I hear dat. Chocolate is my weakness. Stay strong. You're awesome and can definitely do this.
haaa I love that little story at the beginning!! So funny!! :)
I was just thinking about something. If you go without sugar for 28 days this time, you may not need it so badly after your finished! I can truly say that is how it worked for me. But I know that we are both different, so maybe that wouldn't be the case for you. But maybe it would help? :) I'm so proud of you for having the strength to give up chocolate...your hugest weakness!!! You're doing awesome, I love you!!
Post a Comment