Day 4- GAG...

I will just let my video do all the talking for me. Please ignore the pampered chef pan... that baked our chicken- the only thing we ate!

For the most part everything else has been... satisfactory. I have found some favorites. Okay, I'm lying... I actually haven't yet- but at least I am surviving right?

I thank the good Lord every day I started purchasing thrive freeze dried fruit however. It's the only thing keeping me alive when I have moments like the video above shows. ;)

It's a Hard Knock Life Y'all...

So I really try to keep this blog positive- and for the most part I think that I have. Unfortunately in the world of weight loss- it isn't always positive.

I had an amazing Thanksgiving break. I mean it was SUPER yummy.

But what do you think that means?

Of course it can only mean one thing, right? WEIGHT GAIN.

I gained 6 POUNDS!

After the devastation wore off I had to sit down and contemplate what on earth happened and how I gained when I still need to lose 40+ pounds.  That's when I realized something...

Eating three pies practically on your own will probably do that to ya.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

So I hit the gym hard this week and of course was using MY FITNESS PAL and I already got 3 of those suckers off. Hopefully next week I can get two more and then be on my way back DOWN. To be honest, I haven't felt this sore in a LONG time though. Not a good sign that I have been utilizing my work outs as much as I should have been, eh?

But enough of that... I have another sad sad declaration. One that makes me want to punch holes into my body.

I TURNED 30!!!! HOLY FREAKING COW!

There were some fun events that came about because of that. Some included CAKE, ice cream, MOVIE, dinner, ICE SKATING, movie, lunch, oh and frozen yogurt of course. (Hmmmm... perhaps some of this weight gain happened BEFORE Thanksgiving? I think I would feel a little better about that for some reason...)

Anyway- you will have to watch the video below to figure out what the heck happened on my birthday! :)

... And then I went bat pooh crazy and punched needles through my body.... and got it on video...

So enough of my yatching and moaning. I will do something about it, but I will also recognize that no matter what- a few pounds is just that. A few pounds. I should be patting myself on the back for losing the amount I did in the first place. I am after all still a mother and wife. I still have other responsibilities. And not only that- I am only human. :)

My FACE Hurts!!!

Goodness I have waited awhile to post again. I promise I am ON track still! Yay! Infact I am pretty anxious to weigh in today, especially after Easter weekend.  I will see how well I REALLY did, won't I? ;)

Moving on- do you remember my posting about this:

 

 

Well I finally went in to get THAT fixed... and apparently a WHOLE lot more. I guess you can see it if you are looking really close (but I am naive and had NO IDEA) BUT I had a chipped tooth and several tooth brush abrations that had gotten deep enough to be considered cavities. I also grind my teeth at night and got a wonderful lecture about how that is destroying my teeth.

 

Awesome.

 

Well... today my mouth looks amazing... but I can't open it. :(

 

And on top of that- I'M STARVING!!!

 

I went to bed last night at 5 pm. Half of my face was numb and I was tired of trying to talk through my dead tongue so I called it a day.

 

But at least my smile is pretty! :) And hopefully within this next year my entire mouth will be fixed (because who can afford $1800 for just a quarter of the repairs???) and I can smile big with my porcelain pearly whites! 

 

 

 

But before then... who has some food ideas for a lady who is trying to lose weight and can't eat a whole lot at the moment? I'm guessing ICE CREAM is out?! HAHA!



Frustraton...

Someone said something to me that has been eating away at me... all night. I'm not going to go into too much detail over it except that I wanted to pull out a bag of cookies and devour it. I wanted to so very badly that my stomach hurt and I thought my brain was going to explode. I had that knot at the back of my throat that was either tears trying to escape, or vomit. Pushing "it" back with junk food is definitely the way I WOULD have taken care of it just a few months ago.

And by "it" I mean my emotions.

Instead I am going to take my reaction to this situation as a victory. A sign of growth and healing.

I didn't shovel down a bag of cookies; however I did type out my feelings in a private post.  Angry raunchy feelings.

And now...

I feel better. :) And I don't need the bag of cookies.

VICTORY!

source

 

The Good and the Bad...

The good news?

 

My sister and her family came up for my baby's first birthday.

AND. She made the cupcakes.

 

HOLY YUM!

 

 

 

The bad news?

 

 

She left all of the left over cupcakes at my house!!!!

 

Not good friends. Not good at all.

 

TOMORROW IS GONNA BE ROUGH!



5 Tummy Types

This blog posting is basically amazing. I have the ... well... embarrassingly enough... the spare tire! ack! haha! Well... I'm doing all of the right things so I'm already half way there! ;)

Did you find your tummy type listed here as well?

~Nikki

Everybody LOVES a Whiner- Whuddya Thinking?

I know, I know. No one wants to read about someone else's woes or hear them whine. But... since this is MY blog, I want to whine and woe!

 (Stop judging... you think it's funny too! haha!)

I have had absolutely NO desire to eat right these last couple of weeks. Okay. I'm going to be honest here- for two months. TWO MONTHS of only wanting CRAP to eat is NOT the way you're supposed to lose weight. And it is discouraging.

It takes a LOT of discipline to eat right... all day... every day. A LOT.

And man, I was kicking trash. I was averaging 3 pounds a week just eating right and working out every day. Some might say that I burned myself out but I know the truth. My knee. My attitude. My CHOCOHOLIC ADDICTION!

When something goes wrong I tend to throw my hands up in the air. It isn't the right attitude and I do need to learn to just ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES but that takes practice. I need to practice rolling my big 'ol booty before I take punches along with it. It 'aint that easy friends. Not one bit.

Yesterday and the last couple of days I have been lethargic. I have had NO energy. I have been hating on everything and everyone. I am the shiz. You get that people! The shiz! How can people NOT see that???? haha... Okay, that was a bit too intense, even for me. ;) But really, my attitude sucks.

For some reason I have been justifying my bad habits. I will wake up in the morning and stare at all the yummy amazing cereal in our pantry and talk myself INTO eating it.

"Mmmmm... Nichole. You know you want it. It's so good. Look! The caloric intake is LESS than what you could possibly eat while eating healthy."

And then when I am done with my MASSIVE bowl of Cookie Crisp I have another conversation with myself.

"Mmmm... Nichole. That was SO good. Wasn't that just a party in my mouth? Mmmm... Lets replay that party!"

And then I have a second bowl... except this time it is Captain Crunch.

And then I feel like CRAP. Like- UBER crap!

Not only have I started my day off bad with horrible eating habits, but I am now bogged down by guilt and sugar. And then I crash from the MASSIVE sugar high I get from all that sugary goodness.

And this is the cycle.

I am a crack head.  A full blown sugar crack insaniac!

So right now as I am woeing and whining about my sadness due to my lack of self control I am having a banana, peanut butter, and vanilla whey protein shake. I am trying to pull in the reigns of my insaniac tendancies because I know it is a lifestyle change. It isn't going to be easy or fun. It is going to suck. Infact, it will suck worse and worse every time I have to re-detoxify myself.

Getting fat is easy friends. It is easy and it is lonely. It is easy and it isn't all that fun. Getting skinny... now that's the hard stuff. And it is hard and it is once again LONELY. But I need to stop being my own co-dependant and just CUT THE CRAP.

So today I'm starting over again. I am having my protein shake while boiling eggs for my lunch. I will count my calories again even though I HATE IT to the very core that is me. HATE IT! But I will do it.

Because friends- I have got to believe that there is a light at the end of this hellish tunnel and the only way I will ever see it is if I do the work.

I. CAN. DO. THE. WORK. I have to believe that I can.

xoxo Nikki
Ps. All pictures were found using BING images. First picture was edited to keep this blog as PG as possible. ;)

Sneaky Evil Calories

On Monday I weighed in... and KICKED butt! In five weeks I have lost 15 pounds. Lots of ZUMBA moves, calorie counting, and iron pumping got me there. But there is something that I have noticed that is starting to change the direction of the scale.

Sneaky EVIL calories!

Or restaraunts that pretend they have healthy options... but in turn end up KILLING you!

And guess what... I am SO going to call this place out!

Red Robbin sucks, y'all. I went out with a friend last night and ordered a wrap. I HATE wraps. I WANTED a nice, juicey and greasey avocado bacon burger. I almost wonder if that would have been better? Instead I ordered the whiskey bbq chicken wrap.

And to my amazement this morning when I logged my calories... it was over 1,000 calories ALONE!

Ew!!!!!!!!

I can just FEEL the grease dripping out of my poors. The fat attatching right back onto my sorry excuse of a stomach. And all the work I have done this week completely shot.

But I will NOT let this discourage me. It wasn't my free meal, for I already had my treat the night before... but I will learn from this moment. No one cares about MY health BUT me. No one is going to stop me from consuming large quantities of calories but myself. Only I have the power to control what goes into my own mouth.

Today I make a vow to myself.

I will take charge of myself, starting with what I consume now. I will no longer trust the food industry and I will teach my children to be weary of all the false health foods too.

This is no longer just a fight against me and the ever so yummy junk food.

Oh no.

THIS IS WAR!!!

Picture found here.

Comment Response's

Yesterday I typed up a blog about what this week entails for me eating wise. My comment responses below that post are quite a bit mis-leading. I have had a lot of GREAT feedback and I wanted to thank you all for your advice and suggestions.

I would also like to mention that Sunday night I will be eating a normal- extra yummy meal for dinner. My free-meal. And then starting Monday I will be eating a normal healthy diet. Infact it will be the same way I ate two years ago... the way I am SUPPOSED to eat. This week was meant to wean myself off of processed foods and sugar. I think it has done its job very well but today I am going to add a LOT more dense nutrient based foods, such as veggetables to my meals. (Thanks Sara! ) :) Keep up the feedback... It actually helped solidfy an inner battle I was having with myself. I will go into it more next week. :)

Love Nikki
A GREAT link my sister-in-law sent me: http://www.choosemyplate.gov/pregnancy-breastfeeding/weight-loss.html and another link: http://kellymom.com/nutrition/mothers-diet/mom-calories-fluids/

My Vomit-inducing Meal Plan...

Yesterday I had a problem that I never thought I would have. Ever. I struggled eating ENOUGH calories! What, say what? Yes I know. How could someone who LOVES to eat... not have enough to eat?

Well here's the deal. I am also now a nursing mom of a 11 week old. I need to amp this business up or I am going to stop producing milk for her.

So anyway, yesterday I sat down on my "My Fitness Pal" and recorded my last few pieces of food into my food journal and my jaw dropped. I had only eaten 1100 calories in the entire day. Thinking back I knew that I had spilled half of a protein shake in my van (wah wah... bad move!) and had substituted out my hard boiled egg for plain oatmeal with fresh strawberries. Can I add that substituting out my proteins for some carbs was also a HORRIBLE move! I could literally feel the oatmeal eating a hole from the inside of my stomach, creating a path straight to my butt. No joke. Due to this new highway to my butt, I really need to get these cravings under control. The only way to do that is to cut out the carbs as much as I can this first week. That said, because I nurse I need to make sure I am eating at LEAST 1800 calories every day.

So here are what my meals are supposed to consist of (and due to the nightmares I had of big macs and whoppers coming to invade my body, I will make SURE to eat all of my nasty-liscious shakes!)::

Every morning I wake up and have a frozen berry, peanut butter and whey protein shake.

As the day moves on I am supposed to have three more of these without peanut butter.

I say "supposed to" because HOLY STARS these get disgusting REALLY fast! 

These are some of my favorite snacks right now.

My house also smells like it is in a constant state of bad gas.

By that, I do mean farts.

Have you ever noticed how HORRIBLE hard boiled eggs smell?

Well let me assure you, it IS the eggs and NOT me!

(Add about a quarter of the package of ranch seasoning to a pound or more

of non-fat cottage cheese, and you get a pretty incredible high in protein dip/

salad dressing.)

This was my lunch today. Believe it or not, it was 300 calories.

Very high in protein, very low in carbs...

 and just the right amount of fat to help with nursing!

(Don't worry... I am only eating this way this week. I realize it looks weak

and if I start feeling as if my stomach is crawling outside of my body through my

throat in search of more food... I will adhere to its call!)

Also, lets not forget how stuffed I am from those DISGUSTING shakes.

I might have just said that with a British accent. You will never know. 

And for todays special!

EUW!!!!!

Haha! Actually the truth is... I look forward to my lean cuisines after the gym.

Some of you may hate them, but they aint too shabby on a hungry stomach!

 

Well. There you have it. Pretty much what I have been surving on all week. I guess that explains why I only ended the day with 1300 calories last night. (I had some carrots and cottage cheese, and another egg to increase my caloric intake.) Nothing on here looks THAT good that I am just JUMPING to overeat some more. Is that the point of this first week? Yup. I think so.

Good. Then it's working.

Hi. My name is Nichole... and I'm a...

Hi! My name is Nichole and I am a choc-a-holic {slash} mental case {slash} unusually hilarious {slash} drama queen!

I thought I should lay that all out there just in case you hadn't caught on to my personality yet. :)

For real though, what do you think has been helping me survive this INSANE time of my life right now? Unfortunately it has been chocolate. Not just any ol' chocolate bar though. Nope. It's the Godiva chocolate cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. It's the chocolate Butterfinger ice cream bars. It's the new strawberry lemonade slushy at McDonald's. Wait... that's not chocolate is it?

Well you're getting the picture of my new dillema.

I have gone from a very HEALTH conscious working out machine to an injured sugar craving mommy monster.

THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!

Physical therapy started last week, as did massage therapy. At first I was so excited about these steps leading up to recovery. I had dreamed of luxurious spa like treatment, nice oily rub downs, easy assisted stretching and light work outs.

WHAT WORLD AM I FROM???

Someone had once told me that physical therapists are commonly referred to as physical terrorists. THIS IS TRUE. Apparently you aren't supposed to baby an injury- in my case an injured neck/ right shoulder/ arm. My entire posture has caved in on itself and I am the female version of Quasimodo. It's pretty attractive if I don't say so myself. My physical terrorist... err therapists don't seem to agree. Instead they stretch,

pull, and tug on my arm trying to get my shoulder blade to work the way it's supposed to. I'm not usually so chipper when this is actually happening. :)

Now to the massages. Long, oily rub downs... THEY ARE NOT! Do you know what a trigger point is? Well, everyone has them in different parts of their bodies and especially in injuries. For those of you who have never heard of a trigger point (this was me before the accident), let me explain briefly. They're "knots" in your muscles and tendons. I don't really know anything more medical then that though.

When you go in for a massage for medical reasons- they are not luxurious. Well, that's a lie. They start out luxurious. The massage therapist works his magic rubbing over your back making you believe you are in the ocean and waves are riding across your back. Then he attacks. He finds ALL of your trigger points and PINCHES them until tears come into your eyes.

Now don't get me wrong. I am supposed to say "mercy" when it gets too tough for me; however I have been told many times I don't have a high pain tolerance so I bite my cheeks and close my eyes as TIGHT as I can with out folding my face in on itself. And if you are curious where my trigger points are let me elaborate: my entire Trapezious (sp?) muscle starting from the bottom of my head down past my shoulder blades and up and over my collar bone. That's my back side. My front side? Yup- I have them there too. Awkward much? lol! Right above my right breast all the way up into my collar bone and then into my right arm pit.

Can you imagine having someone PINCH and SQUISH your muscles right there??? IT HURTS!

But complaining aside, these things have REALLY loosened me up and taken away the whip lash migraines. That alone makes my torture sessions WORTH IT! One of my physical therapists even mentioned that my posture is starting to get better. Phew!

Now I haven't been sitting idly by eating my chocolate ice cream bars and reading book after book {cough}, I have also started going on LONG walks with my children in their strollers again. It feels SO nice. I haven't had ANY weight gain and in fact have been complemented that my face is starting thin out again!

WOOT! WOOT!!

I still go to my Monday night Ab Ninja class and leave feeling very wobbly and sore. I'm very careful with my arm, but as of last Monday actually had enough strength in my arm to do some ab workouts involving a medicine ball.

Because triathlon training has been completely TORN from work out regimen I am going to start training for a 5K. With the help of all those around me I think I can really do this. :) I have to believe that so I can stay optimistic and continue this journey with out too many set backs. The Moses Lake Triathlon is this weekend and my heart is sad that I don't get to compete, but I know that there is a bigger picture out there for me. I just have to wait and see what it is.

I hope all of you have a safe Memorial Day weekend and watch out for those teenage girls with five or ten piercings in their faces- they'll get you when you least expect it! HAHA! {No offense to anyone personally!}

Love Nichole!

Any Takers? ;)

It's official. I am done with my training, and I am a little sad. LOL! I never thought I liked being told what to do- but when it comes to working out... tell me more baby! I really need that push and shove every now and then. :)

On the last day of our work out I was telling Mark how much I loved my legs. I do! They look so great and I can't take any credit. It was all EM! (Experience Momentum gym...) The only downside?

I am completely top heavy now!

Can you guess what I look like right now?

Let me give you a hint. My sister-in-law and I used to call ourselves this while we rode our bikes...

Still no idea?

I look like a walking...

DILLY BAR.

*Anyone willing to cough up another $400.00 for me? I need to get the rest of my body in control! HAHA!

No takers?

OKAY OKAY.

Here's my plan of action (because you all know if I don't have a game plan... nothing happens!)

-meal planning (I fell off the band wagon but have been doing okay with cutting sweets out. I only allow myself a treat every once in awhile.)

-work out daily. (My doctor told me I need to start working out ever day to get my body out of this plateau... HA. We shall see...)

*Monday: Jogging/ Leg workout (for my hip injury)/Abs

*Tuesday: Arm resistance training (free weights)/ half mile swim

*Wednesday: Jogging/ Abs

*Thursday: Leg workout/ half mile swim

*Friday: Arms/Jogging

*Saturday: Leg work out/ Abs

*Sunday: Rest

I will aim hard and report my successes and failures. I'm really looking forward to feeling WHOLE again and not huge. Even though there is "more of me to love" I'm not complete because I am not me. This has been the most difficult struggle I have ever taken on but I know that I can do it... because according to my newest philosophy and everything I have been preaching: I AM BEAUTIFUL.

And so are you!

And yes... I realize how Korney that sounds! ;) Just go with it!

It's Time...

Sitting down she has to wipe at her chin with the back of her hand. Slobbering like a dog begging for food she slowly opens the white box. Groaning from both pleasure and guilt she stares at what lies before her.

Chocolate.

Chocolate Donuts.

She tosses the box down to the ground and pulls at her hair, trying to control the change that is starting to overcome her body. Finally giving in she throws herself on top of the strewn morsels and begins to tear into the meat of the dirty little temptations.

"MOMMY..." asks her tiny son with eyes as round as the moon. "What are you doing?"

She sits up and cleans up her face trying to muster enough strength to respond with out scaring her little boy.

"Mommy is just... playing?..."

********************************************************************

Have you noticed I haven't written a blog in over a week now? Well if you haven't, I sure have! I've noticed it every single day as that day has passed. Why? Because I'm struggling. Sitting down and facing my issues on here is a little overwhelming. But if I don't record how I feel now then not only am I not being honest with you, but I am not being honest with myself.

Last Thursday I had the amazing cream puff. It was so good and so rich I only ate the one, and even had a hard time holding it down. It was pretty rich, and after not eating sugar for two weeks I had quite the sugar rush.

Unfortunately for me that sugar rush started some type of feeding frenzy. That night I wanted another. No I didn't go and buy more, but the next day I gave in and had some cookies. The day after that Josh and I had fast food. Monday I had a doctors appointement and decided I deserved a treat. Oh- did I forget that Sunday was superbowl? Actually... I did really well on SuperBowl Sunday because we spent it with Rachel's family. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and now today. Every single day I had one or a couple chocolate donuts.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME????

Well, today is a new day and I have not had any sugar today. I decided since It's still morning time and while I'm still golden I better make another pledge for myself. I have a really hard time when I don't achieve my own personal goals, so I know if I do this now I will have a better chance of keeping to it. I pledge that today and tomorrow I will not have any sugar. Monday (Valentines Day) I will allow myself one dessert. My husband already has a special date planned out for us and I think that as long as I keep myself with in reason I should be able to control myself enough to enjoy one treat. Then starting Tuesday the 15th I will not have sugar for 14 days.

I know I have a problem controlling my caloric intake. I am also discouraged because of my injuries. So this is the time I need to be on top of my eating. If I let it all go down the toilet now I will have gained nothing and learned zip from this entire journey. I know I can do this... because I have to do it. There is no if's, what's, or but's about it. I HAVE to do this now. My clock is ticking and my heart needs me to become the best and healthiest I can be NOW. I may not ever get another chance and what is Josh supposed to say to my children if I do have an early heart attack or be diagnosed with heart disease? It just isn't the life I would like for my children.

So here is me making another promise to myself for myself and for my children. Because I may have hard days and I might be disappointed I can't achieve some goals, but it does not mean I get to sabotage everything else I have worked so hard for.

I hope you can learn from my mistakes and we can take this journey together because not only will I need your support, but I learn from your experiences as well.

Here's to us- because who really wants to be called a crack addict? lol! ;)

Love Nikki

ps. Above story is NOT a true representation of what happens between me and chocolate. I promise!!! HAHA!

Dragging My Feet... Err, Hip?

So I realize now that I have not kept everyone updated on if I was able to keep my goal of no sweets for 14 days.

Sadly... I can not DISSAPPOINT you!

I did make it and it was AMAZING! And totally worth it too! :) Especially since my ENTIRE family ate those silly little pink and white frosted animal cookies in front of me all weekend. Those are one of my sinful little pleasures. But alas- I refrained!

Tomorrow Rachel and I are going to the wonderful Asian market to get ourselves some yummy cream puffs! :P

On the other hand I have some sad news as well. It looks like my hip injury is a lot worse then I ever thought, or anticipated. The biggest problem is that it will be a slow recovery for it. I wrote a blog here about a fall I took in July that really hurt me and apparently must have done some damage. Why did I continue to work myself hard afterward? I guess I felt I had to prove my macho-ism and strength to myself. I had to KNOW that I could still accomplish my goal and need to become healthy and fit.

Well. You reap your rewards, don't you.

So now my regimine will have to be altered to just plain' ol walking in water. UGH. This will be a challenge for me because I YEARN to swim. However at this point that would be counter productive. Now I know I need to peppy and optimistic about this... and honestly it might be kind of a nice break... but it also makes me sad. I feel like I let myself down by not allowing myself to heal LAST year. Now I may not be able to run the race in May.

I will however stop dwelling on that. As it was pointed out to me, I will still burn a lot of calories with the water resistance, right?! I will also start retraining my body's posture, and the outer muscles in my hips/ thighs. I haven't been equalizing my work outs and am now... weak? in certain muscle groups.

Who knows... this can all turn out to be a great "new year"/ "new me" problem solving challenge, right? I will come out stronger physically and emotionally if I don't allow this to bog me down. And plus-I do look forward to not having this constant companion of pain with me every day. That, my friends, will be heavenly!

BECAUSE WE ARE NOT ONLY BEAUTIFUL .. BUT STRONG TOO! :)

Curses!...

Curse this wretched feeling of guilt! I'm going to hold true to my original goal. 14 days of no sugar.

*Great Scott! This is going to be a rough weekend.

Want Some Sugar...Sugar!?

Today is day... 11!!! of no sugar. Whew, and what a struggle it has been! I've noticed that I tend to crave my treats in the evening. I'm not sure if it's related to boredom or habit but it is quite the struggle. When I wake up in the morning I feel refreshed though, and that is what makes this worth it for me.

Now I'm coming up on a dilemma. Josh and our family are driving the four hours to visit my family. It's tax season you see... and who else to get help from then from your parents! My dad is an accountant for the government so he helps us file every year. The dilemma I'm coming across is that my mom is an AMAZING German cook! My mouth is watering right now just imagining some of her didily-scrumptious meals right now. German pancakes- warm my soul. Apfle Kuchen- break my heart. Deutsch pastries- shatter my entire being. THIS IS GOING TO BE A STRUGGLE.

So, I need some advice. I called Rachel and talked it over with her a little bit. She's the one who has been holding me accountable for my end of the contract and I felt I at least owed her a phone call. If my mom makes me a treat, or makes my most favorite meal in the World I can't be expected to turn it down, right?

Well... the truth is I called my mom and told her about my "deal" and she understands. Rachel also said that the point of the contract was to help me get my crazy addiction under control... which I admit has worked for now. It's a struggle that I will fight my entire life and as long as I know I can control it then I'm in-charge. She said that it's okay if I have a treat- as in ONE treat this weekend and I'll be fine. The reward for waiting 14 days with out sugar would be decadent cream puffs at the Asian market. If I have something this weekend, then I have to wait another week before I get my uber yummy cream puffs. And then I'm allowed one treat every week.

What do you think? Should I hold out until Tuesday and have the cream puffs... or enjoy this weekend and worry about it in another week?

Who would have ever thought I'd be having an inner battle over german pancakes? Huh.

Twitching...

Today was the first complete day of NO SUGAR for me... and I have to tell you that I AM TWITCHING. Seriously though I am ready to fly off the handle. I feel as if I'm starving. Is that wierd or what? I have the worst case of the munchies (sugar deprivation induced) and can not get chocolate cookies out of my mind.

This is hell. Just saying.

I have never eaten so many clementines in my life.

My aunt mentioned I need to find a new outlet for me to put all my stressed energy into. Yes! I really really do. I think though, that perhaps writing is that for me. I've been working on sewing my very first home-sewn pajama bottoms and that helped yesterday.

Today though? NOTHING IS HELPING. I went on a three hour walk earlier today to suck up some Vitamin "D" and that helped get my mind off of food at the time. Now that I'm home, and my hips are uber sore... I just want me some comfort food.

Don't worry though. I won't cave in to these horrible human responses. Why? Because I'm not human. I am amazing. :) HAHA! Really though, it's because I want this feeling to BE GONE.

I want to be free of this food induced prison.

Hopefully tomorrow will be ... different. Hopefully I won't be "twitchy". ;)

Love Nichole

The Signed Contract...

So I know many people are working hard at their new year "resolutions" and most have decided to be done with sugar. I congratulate all of you who have found that it is harder than it appears, yet still have kept at it.

Today my best friend made me sign a contract. Now this isn't an every day kind of contract. It isn't even a "no sugar" contract. It's more of a way to hold me accountable for all the binge eating I appear to have been doing since December.

I'm not sure how in depth I've gotten about some of my problems associated with food. I know I have mentioned that I have gone from one extreme to the other- not eating to binging and purging... to just plain binging. But have I ever gone through the emotional inner battle I face daily when I look at a package of cookies? Or perhaps the guilt and horror I feel after I've finished said cookies?

Probably not.

Why? Because those little things are what make an eating disorder as destructive as they are. I do not handle stress well at all. I never have. I have a problem with control, and as it so appears this control manifests itself with food. If I feel like my life is thrown into chaos, you'd better believe the cookies, m&m's, and chocolate are all pulled out of the cupboards. Actually- lets be completely honest here. I never have those things at home because if I do I can't control myself. I eat them... all. So if I'm upset, what do you think I do?

Yup. I go to the store. Pretty disgusting, huh?

But you see, that's one of the other struggles I have that makes this monster of a disorder such a bear. I FIND MYSELF DISGUSTING. Or the binge eating disgusting, rather. So it's time. It's time I face my monster in the mirror. It's time I quit this sugar craving and make myself the woman I yearn to be.

And with that- it starts today. Today I signed the contract. No sugar, sweets, or any unnecessary foods in my diet for two weeks. And to ensure I'm able to complete this task, and not feel isolated or alone in this habit breaking venture Rachel has signed one too.

I need to control my eating. I need to control my "natural man" and be a mother to my children. How horrified I would be if my daughter saw me behaving this way and began imitating me. I have to do it now.

Wish me luck as you work towards your goals as well. Know that many of you have inspired me to do this myself. Yes I worked hard last year. Yes I've done something I have never done before by losing weight. Now I have to do something even harder- kick the habit.

Lets kick it together.

Crash... and Burn

Why hello there everyone. My goodness it's been a LOOONG time since I've been able to just sit on my... no cross that. It's been awhile since I've been able to sit on A COMPUTER and type out my thoughts.

Two weeks ago my life had a very unfortunate event occur that left me broken hearted and very frustrated. Our 6 month old computer's hard drive malfunctioned and we lost EVERYTHING. I know, I know... I should have backed everything up with our external hard drive. Sniff. Sniff. My bad I guess. Needless to say I was a basket case when Best Buy informed me that ALL my weight-loss pictures, my edited play, AND all of my children's photo's and video clips are GONE. GONE!!! :( Like I said. I am broken hearted.

That said this has been an absolutely HORRIBLE month for me and my weight-loss journey. I have had stress after stress bombard me every day for four weeks now and my waistline is suffering. How sad. Not so sad is my taste buds, however. My tongue has been singing a happy tune since the fudge and peppermint have taken up resisdence in my parent's home. MMM. I guess I might as well enjoy it for the next couple of days because starting January 1st I jump into my new regimine.

In the beginning of January I will begin training for my first triathlon. I will also start eating my regular meal plan again. Apparently I am a lady that thrives on structure. With out it I wigg out. I am excited to get back on the wagon and can't wait to see what this next year holds.

That said I want to wish everyone a merry Christmas and remind everyone that it's okay to mess up... as long as you get back in check quickly! :)

Love NIKKI

A Day for Vegging Out

I am in a foul mood today. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately or if it's the life cycle that is spinning me out but geeze-la-weeze. I could just shoot a horse. Or perhaps become a tornado. That sounds more exciting then shooting a poor animal. Shame on me.

One of my biggest issues when I'm angry is I tend to VEG OUT! And no, not usually with vegetables. When I'm stressed I don't eat at all so my mental status is a little confused. Not usually a good thing for my metabolism.

I feel that Winter fat beginning to hug my wonderful love handles again. I guess today would be a great day to work out and burn my frustration along with some calories. I went to my ab class on Monday (it's been way too long!) and felt the "burn" for two days. Funny thing about that though, it wasn't in my core that I felt the burn. It was my thighs and bottom. Holy bottom I could barely move.

I think today I'll focus on my arms and core once again.

I hope you're all having a better week!

picture came from: http://northeastquadrant.blogspot.com/2010/06/northeast-tornadoes-fail-this-weekend.html