Seriously.
Beast mode people. BEAST mode.
Lyndi at 3 months
But lately I have been struggling. And when I say "lately" it has been the last two weeks. I haven't been to the gym. I haven't done Insanity in my garage. And I have only been on a handful of walks.
I just have been SOOOOO tired.
I even went to the doctor trying to figure out what is going on with me.
I mean- lets be honest, I'm a complete hypochondriac. I have EVERYTHING from cancer to a goiter sticking out of my neck. And I'm not trying to be funny or disrespectful... this is honestly a struggle I live with every day.
I am going to die of something horrible and I can't stop thinking about it!
My friend and I after Insanity (the last time I did it)- two weeks ago
That being said, yes I know it's a sign of some crazy crap known as DEPRESSION.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.......
I do struggle with it and am very open about being medicated and the medication has been SUPER HELPFUL but I do worry about random scary things... all... the... time.
So I got checked.
NOTHING appears to be wrong. Nothing they can find right off the bat and obvious anyway. (Other than a stinking cold that wiped me out on my butt.)
SO- No MORE excuses.
I only have 20 or so pounds until I get to my married weight- CAN YOU IMAGINE what this FEELS like? SOOO CLOSE!
And yet I can't stop mowing down the Halloween candy. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE Y'ALL or I'm going to head RIGHT back up the fat ladder. And let me tell you, it hurts.
A close friend asked me recently if I see a difference in what I look like. The truth is, I don't.
2009- 269 pounds
I know, I know. You are all rolling your eyes right now thinking to yourself that I am fishing for compliments (and perhaps I just might be... heh heh...) but really- I still look like that girl that couldn't run for more than a minute straight through. To me I still look like that girl that COULDN'T do a triathlon- even though I ROCKED one a few months ago.
What MY problem is, and has always been... Is MY perception of myself. I NEED to learn to love myself, no matter what I look like. I need to own who I am and be proud of it.
Yesterday at Costco I was looking at some super cute zip up hoodies. You know the type, the ones with ribbing that makes you look like you have a tiny waist and amazing lifted "parts." I was in heaven...
And then some old lady came up to me.
"You know these are sized smaller than the labels say."
I was holding an XL.
I just looked at her... and immediately my feather's were ruffled. I wanted to holler at the top of my longs that I am now in a normal size LARGE woman! That I just lost over 60 pounds and holly hannah I deserved to try that FREAKING CUTE sweater on.
I of course, just smiled and TRIED ON THAT HOODY right there in front of her. Sure. It might have been a little short on me- but WOMAN- it sure as heck fit!
I guess I have an attitude problem... but I HATE when people tell me I can't do something. It fires a fire deep inside that is just BURNING to eat all the pessimistic haters out there up.
And yet.
I am my worst enemy.
But I promise you- I am still working hard on it. And if you do give me a compliment and I don't seem too enthusiastic about it, just punch me. It isn't anything you are saying- it's my own perception of myself.
But know this- I know I am strong. And I know I can do it- because I have AMAZING friends and family who support me like crazy. I also know that I'm not alone on this journey and know that YOU can do it too.
So close. :) We can do this- together we can do this.
Halloween selfie- Rocking out
Ps. I just got home from working out- including 90 squats, 90 lunges, and 35 sit-ups- hanging upside down from monkey bars. :) Apparently I needed to write about everything I have been feeling. Here's to a great new week and new determination!
2 comments:
Oh, Nichole, you are so where I was about 30 years ago. And look at where I am today ... because I did scarf down that Halloween candy and because I did not go to the gym. You, my dear niece, are NOT me. You don't have to be where I am 30 years from now. And you will not be, because you can totally do this!
That said, the reality is that every effort has highs and lows. It's easy to do the highs, but those lows can be really really hard. But even though you are going to have the sorest muscles ever come morning, you are so capable of working on through it all and picking up and going on and never looking back. All you have is what is ahead of you, which is wonderful things. I can't wait to hear about the day these last 20 pounds have melted away to gone!
Sorry you've been so tired and draggy. I know sugar does that to me. It makes me sick, too, as in colds and all, because my body just doesn't process it very well (diabetes does that to a person) and my blood fills up with it and it eeks out of all my pores and drags me way down. Time to let it go. You are so able to do this!
Love you. Hang in there!
Auntie J
Aw, thank you so much Aunt Julie. I really appreciate your words of encouragement and support. Some day we will be able to swap our stories together in person. I love you!
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