When You Change...

It has been a long time since I have sat down and actually decided to write something for the whole World to see. My journey has continued and I have done quite well actually, with this journey. I have officially lost 57 pounds and am able to play the way I have always wanted to do. I even cut my hair off and made myself look the way I feel- sexy.

But with a change this huge there are other changes that come along the way. Not all of them are what you expected, nor are all of them good. Most is good... but not all.

I'm sure many of you have heard of "fat girl brain." Let me tell you... it is real. I am still very much the same size in my mind as I was when I started out. I was 279 when I began documenting my weight and a size 24 at 6 feet. Today I am 222 pounds and a size 16 at 6 feet. I could barely squeeze into booths at a restaurant and always wore things that didn't fit correctly to hide my true form. I was always tired, cried a lot, and couldn't run a mile.

A lot has changed.

But to me- nothing has changed.

When I'm out running alone I can push myself, but only so far. I give up. "I can't do this" I think to myself and stop. But when I'm out running with my friend Cassie I can go 3 miles. Why can't I do that alone?

The hardest part about losing weight is trying to find out who you are in the process. I have always been very outgoing and active. I love to be a little crazy and explore. I love to challenge myself and lose myself in the moment. Becoming this person again has definitely been difficult when it comes to some of my relationships. People I met when I was at my largest point knew me as "that" girl... and expected me to stay "that" girl. THAT was never who I was. Getting back to me has strained relationships which I never anticipated. You don't just get smaller when you lose weight, you heal. You heal emotionally and mentally. You become stronger... and generally more confident. You stick up for yourself more and put up with less. This is a GOOD thing. But not everyone agrees.

My hardest struggle lately has been in the decision to actually go through with my goal and promise to myself over three years ago and ACTUALLY do a triathlon. I have a lot of support and great friends involved. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck with the fat girl brain. I'm stuck with my confidence. And I'm tired of competing for everything.

I understand this is for me. And I understand that I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be an athlete. My time will not be the best. In fact I MAY be the very last man standing. And I think I'm okay with this. What I am NOT okay with is being asked what my time is and then have it rubbed in my face how much better everyone else did.

Granted I don't know that that will happen. It's a fear I have though. I'm sure it is an irrational one at that too. But it is still a very real fear. One that has taken control for way too long.

And so with this- I am committing.

I WILL sign up for the August 10th sprint triathlon.

I am scared, angry, and tired... BUT I WILL DO IT.

And to all the haters out there... I know where that comes from. I know your insecurities. I still love you for it... and when you are ready to get to know the REAL me, I will be there waiting.

Love a girl who knows YOU ALL have it in you- because trust me... going through what I have been through- If I can do it. YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN DO IT TOO!