The Raw Truth

This my friends I have to tell you is going to be the RAW TRUTH. I will forewarn you what I will be talking about today could make some of you uncomfortable (ie. men). So if you aren't in the mood to hear someones raw emotion on the frustrations that come with being a woman and losing weight, I won't be offended if you choose to stop reading here.

Okay- you can't say I didn't warn you! ;)

Hormones are horrible! Why is it so hard to enjoy the hormones that come with being a female. A female MOTHER on top of that... pshh. It's amazing what we women do to become mothers. I never realized the actual emotional roller coaster that comes with trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, labor... and then the entire year afterward. Kudo's to all the women who are reading this. Every one of us are in different stages of life and we all feel the burden of motherhood in one way or the other.

Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE BEING A MOM. I wouldn't ever give up this life for one of less responsibility. But that's the burden of the beast isn't it? We try sooo hard to be a mom, and then to be the best mom. For some that includes among many other things- breast feeding.

Who in their right mind enjoys breastfeeding I always wondered? Even after Shaylee weaned herself (I know... what baby actually weans herself and WHY am I complaining???) I wondered what the big deal was. Well. Now I think I know.

How I miss her. How I miss our bonding time together. Her sweet cherub cheeks. Her round eyes looking up at me. How soft her hair was as I would run my fingers through it to hear her coo. The muffled laughs when I would tickle her toes while she was trying to eat. I just miss the nearness.

I know, I know. Be thankful I have my beautiful baby girl... and please understand that I am. I just am having a rough go of it... and here's why. (And on to how this is related to this particular blog.)

For a year my body has been robbed of estrogen. Nursing was an easy 500 calorie a day loss. It also makes your body stop producing estrogen for the most part. Our sweet little ones don't need that hormone quite yet. Well now that that particular gift is over my body is going a little CRAZY!

Did you know your body stores hormones- estrogen- in your fat? If I've heard it before I apparently never stored it in my mind for later. So here's my dilemma ...

My body is getting swamped. My body has began to produce estrogen now that I've stopped nursing. I've also lost practically 30 pounds... so guess what else is happening? My body has been releasing MORE hormones into my system due to the fat loss. Oh and to top THAT off, I have the IUD which has been causing problems now for 7 months. Although the type I have is a low dose progesterone emitting birth control, I appear to be sensitive to it.

So let me tell you about me in the raw as of right now!.... I am chalked up on women hormones and feel as if I'm on steroids!!!!!! Talk about roid rage. I was NOT prepared for this in my quest for healthy living. It definitely is going to be a huge bump in the road, or a challenge rather. I am constantly PMS'ing ( I warned you!) and craving chocolate. I'm mean and feel confused a lot. I'm also very sensitive. It's going to be a rough ride for awhile.

I talked to my nurse about all of this and she suggests having the IUD removed. *sigh* What to do... what to do. She also says that because I'm still losing weight and HAVE another 60 pounds to go it probably won't just level out for a long while yet. At least I can be prepared for that now, right?!

I guess it's safe to say it's about time for me to go into the doctor's office and figure myself out. I WILL do several triathlons next summer and I WILL lose my weight. If this is going to hold me back and make it take longer... I WILL be stronger for it in the end BECAUSE I am worth it... and so are you!

But alas, I'm not done yet. During this hormonal roller coaster something else has come to a head. And remember- I'm hormonal right now! ;)

I'm two pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Why don't I see how much I've lost? Why do I still think of myself as HUGE? I promised myself- literally I sat down and wrote a promise to myself- that I would be HAPPY no matter what my weight was because it would be SMALLER than I was at that point. Every time I gained 20 pounds I would look back at old photo's and sigh about how skinny I used to be. I was sad that I never saw it. How did I not know how pretty I was? Why did I feel so fat even then? Now that I've lost so much of that... why do I still feel so big? I look better according to family then I did last time I weighed this, how am I not understanding that for myself?

I want to believe that I could be pretty. I really do. I know that the Lord thinks so, as do my children and my husband. If this sounds like a vanity quest then you don't know me and don't understand this struggle I've had my ENTIRE life. Be happy that you don't understand ... and instead of judging perhaps try to help others around you recognize their significance and beauty.

Because in the larger scheme of things, the big picture, if we can make someone feel good about who they are then we've made ourselves that much better.

And if we can make ourselves see our own outer AND INNER beauty we can conquer all.

So next time you see someone whom you would turn away from, or perhaps even sneer- look at her (or him?) and think to yourself ...

ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?