To Be Your Own Advocate

There is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. And it is something that has come around in my life these last few years several times. In order to get to where you want to be and do what you wish to do- you have to learn to be your very own advocate.

Working out can be daunting if it hasn't been a part of your life in a long while. It can be overwhelming and scary stepping into a gym, or class. Trying out a new video is embarrassing, even if no one is there to watch you flap your arms in desperation while your flab flies in defiance.

Working out can be hard.

Finding a work out partner puts a lot of these unfounded worries aside for the time being. My workout partners in my past have become my best friends. I adore them. Even if I'm not working out with them anymore- they are still very important influences in my life.

But here's the thing... we can't put our health and lifestyle on our partners. They are our friends and confidants. They are there to support us and push us along the journey through hell... But they aren't the one that can do the work for you.

Only you can do that.

Only I can do that.

There will be a time when we will all have a "coming to Jesus" moment when it comes to getting healthy. If you haven't found that yet, you will.

I had mine- not too long ago. It was one of the biggest motivators for me to start this detox journey.

This epiphany is the moment when you realize that yes, I LOVE MY WORK OUT PARTNER- BUT... but if my workout partner can not work out with me today or tomorrow- it doesn't give me the day off.

Yep- I just changed from second to first person there. It was intentional. ;) 

Learn to love yourself enough to know that you can do it- with or with out your work out partner. Be your best friend. Push yourself. Enjoy the journey along the way. It's a long road ... and will be a lonely one if you don't start trusting yourself to be your own cheerleader.

I know that if I can figure this out myself- then you can too.

When you have your own moment of wisdom I want to hear about it. Not some story about pretending you had that moment- but truly. DEEP DOWN had that moment.

Only YOU can change YOUR life.

And I know you can do it if I have been doing it too.

Because guess what- YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL... AND guess what. Reaching beast mode on your own in the gym... it's a beautiful thing. :)

Today I weigh 220 pounds. (Pic was from last week.) I started integrating normal foods back into my diet because I got concerned about the amount of weight loss I was experiencing. 12 pounds so far this month. My worry was that I would gain it all back once I started eating wheat and dairy again. I still eat paleo for the most part- but am not so nazi about it anymore.

The detox worked.

It curbed my cravings and I'm under control again.

And I've learned and developed some new habits. :) I say it was a success.

But more about my final thoughts a little later.

I truly hope that you take what I have said into your hearts. I know the frustration of giving up, and I know the fear of doing it alone. It is an irrational fear and you DESERVE better.

You deserve to be healthy.

You deserve to have the confidence to KNOW you can do it on your own.

Love Nichole- another mama who has had to learn the hard way that she too is worth it.

Day 14 VLOG Analysis...

Hey everyone! If you have 10 minutes I strongly encourage you to watch my video on the Paleo Challenge I have been doing. :) If you have't seen me in a while, it'll be a nice little refresher on how DRAMATIC I am. Goodness watching myself on camera is a little... awkward. hahaha! 

Enjoy! 

Here's the link in case it doesn't work. :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5EywDV0DRo&feature=youtu.be

Day 4- GAG...

I will just let my video do all the talking for me. Please ignore the pampered chef pan... that baked our chicken- the only thing we ate!

For the most part everything else has been... satisfactory. I have found some favorites. Okay, I'm lying... I actually haven't yet- but at least I am surviving right?

I thank the good Lord every day I started purchasing thrive freeze dried fruit however. It's the only thing keeping me alive when I have moments like the video above shows. ;)

MONSTER.

You know that new song out by Rhianna and Eminem? Monster? WELL... Lets just say you don't need to be afraid of him any longer. Oh no.

Be afraid of ME.

I HATE getting off of sugar- but what's worst? I have never gotten off of sugar, dairy AND wheat at the same time before.

I am freaking frothing at the mouth.

Frothing I say.

I am the thing that as a young child you fear is in the dark. I am the thing that you see in the corner of your eye when home alone watching a scary movie.

I am the creature hiding in your closet that you hear scratching in your subconscious while you lie there sleeping.

I hope I don't ever have to feel this way ever again.
(And lets be honest, you are hoping I don't ever describe THAT again...)

I woke up this morning completely broken out and having to pee like a pregnant woman all night long. I don't think I have ever felt so water logged... probably a sign I haven't been drinking enough water for a long time.

What we ate last night for dinner was a cleansing type dinner.

The colon cleansing type.

It did NOTHING to me. (Thank goodness, right? haha!) But sadly my husband went to bed singing a completely different tune. Makes me laugh a little right now just thinking about the hell I am putting him through.

Muwahaha!

He has also been popping antacids like candy.

Funny since we have been cutting a lot of crap out- but hopefully he'll see a difference in a week.

I'm just hoping I SURVIVE the rest of the week!!!! (Wait? Is that tomorrow? ha! I wish! It's Feb. 1st.)

What are some of your treats that don't include wheat, dairy, or sugar? Besides apples and some sort of nut butter- cause... I've had my fill of butter... and nuts. HA!

Oh goodness... and with that I bid you adieu! And I'm sure I will type something tomorrow since supposedly tomorrow is supposed to be WORSE!!!!

WHAT THE "H"- why am I doing this to myself, again???

And just for farts and giggles- enjoy my day two montage.

LOONEY I TELL YA- I'm going looney.

A Reminder... For the New Year...

I know I won't finish this post tonight before I completely zonk out for bed. I just may fall asleep here as I am typing this to you... but I felt it was important for myself to write how I am feeling. right. now.

Tomorrow I start the paleo diet... or rather in 50 minutes. I am really looking forward to it for only one reason. I will go into that more thoroughly in a moment.

This moment, as I am sitting here typing this I am sick. My stomach feels fat and bloated and over all just not healthy.

I'm dizzy and feeling jittery.

I almost feel as if I am going to pass out.

I have that horrible bile feeling rising up in the back of my throat- and I'm getting the cold sweats. You know the feeling, right before you vomit.

And here's the kicker- I am not sick.

Not in a contagious way anyway.

I am sugar crashing. HARD.

For some reason I thought it would be so much fun to binge and eat as much as I could and get all the munchies "out" of my system- enjoy the junk before I pack it away.

WELL GOOD GRACIOUS... WHY DID I DO THAT?

Now I'm just SICK. And fat. And totally gross feeling.

UGH.... So this is me REMINDING myself WHY I decided to go paleo in January for 30 days.

It's to get THIS nasty feeling OUT of my system. I need to PURGE these cravings and detox from everything I yearn for but everything my body revolts against. I need to take back what is mine, and that is not just my body- but also my will power.

I am so TIRED of feeling out of control. Believe it or not folks... just because you lose a lot of weight does NOT mean the journey is over. My journey is FAR from over. I hit some hiccups in the road that actually extended my journey out even farther and so here I proclaim it:

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Take CONTROL Nichole. Take ACTION Nichole. THIS IS YOUR BODY.

THIS IS MY BODY.

And so in now 42 minutes- I will begin a new chapter in my journey... and I will document it for all to read about. I may do a vlog towards the end- all of my camera's are dead right now. (HAHA- GO FIGURE EH? Not like I'm not a photographer or anything?)

So here are my stats- please don't judge as it is honestly harder to put up that I have gained then it was to initially say how large I started out at.

Paleo Diet Stats BEFORE::

230 POUNDS
6 ft.
Size 16/18
Work out stamina: medium although I feel super sore more often then I had when doing Insanity. Definitely not as fit as I was one month ago. :/

I will take pictures- but won't show those until I have after's.... for obvious "I'm still a girl with some pride" reasons... HAHA!

Thanks for taking this journey with me. I will need all the support I can get!
Love Nichole

Ps. I totally finished my post in time! :) haha!

Nowhere to Go.

I honestly have nowhere to put this. THIS being the emotions that are raging inside me. Being a mother is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done... but it IS most definitely the MOST important.

Tonight my family and I went out and had dinner as a family, and then went to a movie with another family close to us. Tonight we just wanted to spend time together and enjoy each other's company.

Tomorrow my 22 month old goes in for surgery on her finger.

Growth is on right pointer finger. 

The procedure isn't invasive in the least, the going under part is the most worrisome. The growth however is scary. The constant changing and massive size of it is nauseating.

My 22 month old has what the surgeon called an anomaly on Friday.

My 22 month old's mother (me) is scared to death and frantic.

Tonight as we sat in Denny's and got asked politely how we were doing and what we were doing out and about on such a cold night, the waitress gave us our children's meals on the house. Tonight wasn't the normal children eat free night; it brought tears to my eyes.

Going through the menu I was looking at the healthy options and all the caloric ratings of different meals and just felt exhausted. Will I have to do this for the rest of my life?

Yes. I probably will.

But not tonight.

Tonight I decided to just enjoy my evening with my babies and let the guilt go. And you know what- it was fun ... and it was totally fine.

Sometimes life isn't just about the diet, losing weight, or what you look like. Life is SO much more than that... and it's when we discover this tiny little detail that we have reached a certain healing spot in our hearts, at least according to the book of Nichole anyway. ;)

We have to prioritize our lives... and tonight just enjoying my children and picking off their plates and eating candy with them in the movie theater was a priority for me. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I know in the deepest parts of my heart that everything will be okay. Lyndi and I both had blessings, so it has to be. But I still don't know what to expect.

And with that I just ask that you keep me and my family in your prayers tomorrow (Wednesday) and remember to prioritize your own lives too.

Life isn't about your weight or looks.

Life is so much more than that and I pray for the day when we all realize this.

I pray for the day when women can embrace the bodies our Heavenly Father has given us, and hold our heads high and chests out with out worrying.

I pray for the day when the worry is gone.

I hope you all have a wonderful day/ night/ week ... and remember to find joy in all the little things.

Love Nichole

It's a Hard Knock Life Y'all...

So I really try to keep this blog positive- and for the most part I think that I have. Unfortunately in the world of weight loss- it isn't always positive.

I had an amazing Thanksgiving break. I mean it was SUPER yummy.

But what do you think that means?

Of course it can only mean one thing, right? WEIGHT GAIN.

I gained 6 POUNDS!

After the devastation wore off I had to sit down and contemplate what on earth happened and how I gained when I still need to lose 40+ pounds.  That's when I realized something...

Eating three pies practically on your own will probably do that to ya.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

So I hit the gym hard this week and of course was using MY FITNESS PAL and I already got 3 of those suckers off. Hopefully next week I can get two more and then be on my way back DOWN. To be honest, I haven't felt this sore in a LONG time though. Not a good sign that I have been utilizing my work outs as much as I should have been, eh?

But enough of that... I have another sad sad declaration. One that makes me want to punch holes into my body.

I TURNED 30!!!! HOLY FREAKING COW!

There were some fun events that came about because of that. Some included CAKE, ice cream, MOVIE, dinner, ICE SKATING, movie, lunch, oh and frozen yogurt of course. (Hmmmm... perhaps some of this weight gain happened BEFORE Thanksgiving? I think I would feel a little better about that for some reason...)

Anyway- you will have to watch the video below to figure out what the heck happened on my birthday! :)

... And then I went bat pooh crazy and punched needles through my body.... and got it on video...

So enough of my yatching and moaning. I will do something about it, but I will also recognize that no matter what- a few pounds is just that. A few pounds. I should be patting myself on the back for losing the amount I did in the first place. I am after all still a mother and wife. I still have other responsibilities. And not only that- I am only human. :)