A Reminder... For the New Year...

I know I won't finish this post tonight before I completely zonk out for bed. I just may fall asleep here as I am typing this to you... but I felt it was important for myself to write how I am feeling. right. now.

Tomorrow I start the paleo diet... or rather in 50 minutes. I am really looking forward to it for only one reason. I will go into that more thoroughly in a moment.

This moment, as I am sitting here typing this I am sick. My stomach feels fat and bloated and over all just not healthy.

I'm dizzy and feeling jittery.

I almost feel as if I am going to pass out.

I have that horrible bile feeling rising up in the back of my throat- and I'm getting the cold sweats. You know the feeling, right before you vomit.

And here's the kicker- I am not sick.

Not in a contagious way anyway.

I am sugar crashing. HARD.

For some reason I thought it would be so much fun to binge and eat as much as I could and get all the munchies "out" of my system- enjoy the junk before I pack it away.

WELL GOOD GRACIOUS... WHY DID I DO THAT?

Now I'm just SICK. And fat. And totally gross feeling.

UGH.... So this is me REMINDING myself WHY I decided to go paleo in January for 30 days.

It's to get THIS nasty feeling OUT of my system. I need to PURGE these cravings and detox from everything I yearn for but everything my body revolts against. I need to take back what is mine, and that is not just my body- but also my will power.

I am so TIRED of feeling out of control. Believe it or not folks... just because you lose a lot of weight does NOT mean the journey is over. My journey is FAR from over. I hit some hiccups in the road that actually extended my journey out even farther and so here I proclaim it:

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Take CONTROL Nichole. Take ACTION Nichole. THIS IS YOUR BODY.

THIS IS MY BODY.

And so in now 42 minutes- I will begin a new chapter in my journey... and I will document it for all to read about. I may do a vlog towards the end- all of my camera's are dead right now. (HAHA- GO FIGURE EH? Not like I'm not a photographer or anything?)

So here are my stats- please don't judge as it is honestly harder to put up that I have gained then it was to initially say how large I started out at.

Paleo Diet Stats BEFORE::

230 POUNDS
6 ft.
Size 16/18
Work out stamina: medium although I feel super sore more often then I had when doing Insanity. Definitely not as fit as I was one month ago. :/

I will take pictures- but won't show those until I have after's.... for obvious "I'm still a girl with some pride" reasons... HAHA!

Thanks for taking this journey with me. I will need all the support I can get!
Love Nichole

Ps. I totally finished my post in time! :) haha!

Nowhere to Go.

I honestly have nowhere to put this. THIS being the emotions that are raging inside me. Being a mother is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done... but it IS most definitely the MOST important.

Tonight my family and I went out and had dinner as a family, and then went to a movie with another family close to us. Tonight we just wanted to spend time together and enjoy each other's company.

Tomorrow my 22 month old goes in for surgery on her finger.

Growth is on right pointer finger. 

The procedure isn't invasive in the least, the going under part is the most worrisome. The growth however is scary. The constant changing and massive size of it is nauseating.

My 22 month old has what the surgeon called an anomaly on Friday.

My 22 month old's mother (me) is scared to death and frantic.

Tonight as we sat in Denny's and got asked politely how we were doing and what we were doing out and about on such a cold night, the waitress gave us our children's meals on the house. Tonight wasn't the normal children eat free night; it brought tears to my eyes.

Going through the menu I was looking at the healthy options and all the caloric ratings of different meals and just felt exhausted. Will I have to do this for the rest of my life?

Yes. I probably will.

But not tonight.

Tonight I decided to just enjoy my evening with my babies and let the guilt go. And you know what- it was fun ... and it was totally fine.

Sometimes life isn't just about the diet, losing weight, or what you look like. Life is SO much more than that... and it's when we discover this tiny little detail that we have reached a certain healing spot in our hearts, at least according to the book of Nichole anyway. ;)

We have to prioritize our lives... and tonight just enjoying my children and picking off their plates and eating candy with them in the movie theater was a priority for me. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I know in the deepest parts of my heart that everything will be okay. Lyndi and I both had blessings, so it has to be. But I still don't know what to expect.

And with that I just ask that you keep me and my family in your prayers tomorrow (Wednesday) and remember to prioritize your own lives too.

Life isn't about your weight or looks.

Life is so much more than that and I pray for the day when we all realize this.

I pray for the day when women can embrace the bodies our Heavenly Father has given us, and hold our heads high and chests out with out worrying.

I pray for the day when the worry is gone.

I hope you all have a wonderful day/ night/ week ... and remember to find joy in all the little things.

Love Nichole

It's a Hard Knock Life Y'all...

So I really try to keep this blog positive- and for the most part I think that I have. Unfortunately in the world of weight loss- it isn't always positive.

I had an amazing Thanksgiving break. I mean it was SUPER yummy.

But what do you think that means?

Of course it can only mean one thing, right? WEIGHT GAIN.

I gained 6 POUNDS!

After the devastation wore off I had to sit down and contemplate what on earth happened and how I gained when I still need to lose 40+ pounds.  That's when I realized something...

Eating three pies practically on your own will probably do that to ya.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

So I hit the gym hard this week and of course was using MY FITNESS PAL and I already got 3 of those suckers off. Hopefully next week I can get two more and then be on my way back DOWN. To be honest, I haven't felt this sore in a LONG time though. Not a good sign that I have been utilizing my work outs as much as I should have been, eh?

But enough of that... I have another sad sad declaration. One that makes me want to punch holes into my body.

I TURNED 30!!!! HOLY FREAKING COW!

There were some fun events that came about because of that. Some included CAKE, ice cream, MOVIE, dinner, ICE SKATING, movie, lunch, oh and frozen yogurt of course. (Hmmmm... perhaps some of this weight gain happened BEFORE Thanksgiving? I think I would feel a little better about that for some reason...)

Anyway- you will have to watch the video below to figure out what the heck happened on my birthday! :)

... And then I went bat pooh crazy and punched needles through my body.... and got it on video...

So enough of my yatching and moaning. I will do something about it, but I will also recognize that no matter what- a few pounds is just that. A few pounds. I should be patting myself on the back for losing the amount I did in the first place. I am after all still a mother and wife. I still have other responsibilities. And not only that- I am only human. :)

Crashing

This weekend was such an emotional and spiritual high for me. Coming home was exciting, but almost like I crashed hard.

I went with a few girl friends and their families to a church woman's conference this weekend in Portland. It was much needed, fun, and somewhat relaxing. It was definitely something THIS mama needed!

But then when I came home I came home to reality. I was extremely happy to see my children and my husband. He had done such a good job making sure the house looked at least somewhat close to what it did when I left. And to my astonishment- it actually looked BETTER.

So THAT'S when the emotional crash happened.

My husband doesn't NEED me!

He can do it ALL ON HIS OWN!!!

Talk about a little bit of a blow.

I woke up yesterday (Monday) morning feeling a little depressed. I felt fat and frumpy and like a failure at everything.

I know... I know. What? Why? I JUST got back from being inspired and motivated. How could I fall so far so fast?

Well that's how Satan works with us. He tries to get us where he knows we are weak. I struggle with depression and self worth. Of COURSE he would try to get me to see that my husband doesn't need me when what I should have seen is how hard my husband worked to make it a happy homecoming for me.

So, back to Monday. I decided it was time I took control of myself again and so I dropped my son off at school and then drove back to my gym. I dropped the girls off at child watch and I worked my BUNS off for two hours.

And you know what? When I was driving home I felt proud of myself. I felt WORTHY of my family again. And not only that- I was HAPPY.

Exercising does that you know? It raises the dopamine in your brain- it's like a drug! A happy drug! One that I need to get hooked back up on.

And so I woke up again today and immediately drove myself and children to the gym. And again I left feeling re-energized.

So if you are finding that you are struggling just like me, then go out and work out. Build up your self-confidence by toning up your body. It really does work. I promise.

And remember- Satan wants us to hate our bodies because he never got one. We were made in the Lord's image. Of COURSE we are amazing and beautiful. How could we be anything less? I think it is important that we remind ourselves of these little facts every day. With this knowledge we can be prepared to combat anything that heads in our way!

WE. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. (Even if we make horrid faces and look completely stoned. haha! - yeah that's for YOU Heather!)

Beast Mode.

For the most part I have been very honest and upfront about this entire journey. I have been working on this for over 18 months now, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Losing weight is such a struggle emotionally and physically. I have hit plateaus and I have broken through those plateaus like a BEAST.

Seriously. 

Beast mode people. BEAST mode. 

Lyndi at 3 months

But lately I have been struggling. And when I say "lately" it has been the last two weeks. I haven't been to the gym. I haven't done Insanity in my garage. And I have only been on a handful of walks. 

I just have been SOOOOO tired. 

I even went to the doctor trying to figure out what is going on with me. 

I mean- lets be honest, I'm a complete hypochondriac. I have EVERYTHING from cancer to a goiter sticking out of my neck. And I'm not trying to be funny or disrespectful... this is honestly a struggle I live with every day. 

I am going to die of something horrible and I can't stop thinking about it! 

My friend and I after Insanity (the last time I did it)- two weeks ago

That being said, yes I know it's a sign of some crazy crap known as DEPRESSION. 

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN....... 

I do struggle with it and am very open about being medicated and the medication has been SUPER HELPFUL but I do worry about random scary things... all... the... time. 

So I got checked. 

NOTHING appears to be wrong. Nothing they can find right off the bat and obvious anyway. (Other than a stinking cold that wiped me out on my butt.) 

SO- No MORE excuses. 

I only have 20 or so pounds until I get to my married weight- CAN YOU IMAGINE what this FEELS like? SOOO CLOSE! 

And yet I can't stop mowing down the Halloween candy. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE Y'ALL or I'm going to head RIGHT back up the fat ladder. And let me tell you, it hurts. 

A close friend asked me recently if I see a difference in what I look like. The truth is, I don't. 

2009- 269 pounds

I know, I know. You are all rolling your eyes right now thinking to yourself that I am fishing for compliments (and perhaps I just might be... heh heh...) but really- I still look like that girl that couldn't run for more than a minute straight through. To me I still look like that girl that COULDN'T do a triathlon- even though I ROCKED one a few months ago.

What MY problem is, and has always been... Is MY perception of myself. I NEED to learn to love myself, no matter what I look like. I need to own who I am and be proud of it. 

Yesterday at Costco I was looking at some super cute zip up hoodies. You know the type, the ones with ribbing that makes you look like you have a tiny waist and amazing lifted "parts." I was in heaven... 

And then some old lady came up to me. 

"You know these are sized smaller than the labels say."

I was holding an XL. 

I just looked at her... and immediately my feather's were ruffled. I wanted to holler at the top of my longs that I am now in a normal size LARGE woman! That I just lost over 60 pounds and holly hannah I deserved to try that FREAKING CUTE sweater on. 

I of course, just smiled and TRIED ON THAT HOODY right there in front of her. Sure. It might have been a little short on me- but WOMAN- it sure as heck fit! 

I guess I have an attitude problem... but I HATE when people tell me I can't do something. It fires a fire deep inside that is just BURNING to eat all the pessimistic haters out there up. 

And yet. 

I am my worst enemy. 

But I promise you- I am still working hard on it. And if you do give me a compliment and I don't seem too enthusiastic about it, just punch me. It isn't anything you are saying- it's my own perception of myself. 

But know this- I know I am strong. And I know I can do it- because I have AMAZING friends and family who support me like crazy. I also know that I'm not alone on this journey and know that YOU can do it too. 

So close. :) We can do this- together we can do this. 

Halloween selfie- Rocking out

Ps. I just got home from working out- including 90 squats, 90 lunges, and 35 sit-ups- hanging upside down from monkey bars. :) Apparently I needed to write about everything I have been feeling. Here's to a great new week and new determination! 

My First Race... Ever.

So I have gone on and on about how I was going to do a triathlon. For years I have trained and got injured and then pregnant. And then injured again. But finally this year I met one of my biggest goals, ever.

I ran my first triathlon.

Granted it was only a sprint- but by golly it was one of the hardest things I have ever done physically and mentally, all at the same time. It was such a test of strength that I didn't even know I possessed! And have never been so proud of myself either. I truly feel like a champion. :)

And to top it off- I had the privilege of doing it with two beautiful and amazing friends. Heather (on the left) and Aimee (on the right).

My original goal was to complete the race in 2 hours and 15 minutes. My friend Cassie even told me that if I made THAT specific goal she would buy me dinner.

I may or may not have SMOKED that goal OUT of the water. I guess you are going to have to continue to read to find out! :) haha!

First off, I trained at doing the quarter mile swim in 9 minutes. I however, was NOT prepared for the onslaught of feet and arms flailing towards my face during the entirety of the swim portion. I had to walk in when I wanted to dive in and then got kicked in the face by numerous feet three different times- to the point of choking. I had to even flip over on my back at one point because someone behind me swam OVER me. WOW. I'm sorry- I didn't realize this was a race to the DEATH!!!

At least now I know what to expect and where to position myself for next time- if there ever is a next time that is. I finished in a little over 11 minutes. I was pretty mad about it... but at least I didn't drown! :)

Now onto the bike portion of the race. 14 miles of hills. Up and down, luckily. But a fairly intense ride if you're pushing yourself hard. In the photo below there is a young woman in blue to the right of me. She should be pretty happy neither one of us died because she passed me going up a hill and then decided to coast going back down it. "WOMAN WATCH OUT!!!"

Okay I didn't yell that- but she was weaving back and forth so I did yell out, "Pick a side, I'm trying to pass." As you can see in this picture we played cat and mouse for most of the race. I beat her going into the second transition though. BOO-YEAH! haha!

And then there's the run.

Oh the run.

How I DREADED that run!

At 3.2 miles it was absolutely HORRIBLE!!!! haha!

So I stuffed my face with gummy bears and went for it. Don't look TOO closely in this next picture below because my cheeks just might be full. Maybe.

Also, running while having to pee is NEVER a good thing. I also learned to not run in wet biker shorts. It creates a rubbing action... that leaves you... a little... raw.

Enough said.

 

Towards the end of the run I was so exhausted. I stopped to stretch my legs and began to walk, briskly- but still a walk. An older man ran by me and said, "Come on girl! We're almost there- lets keep running!" He was so nice and funny. He carried me into the finish line where my friends and family were waiting for me at the finish line. If you can look more closely at the picture directly below me, you can see that I have a huge grin on my face.

 

It's because my friends were yelling, "WOOT!!! LETS GO NICHOLE!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YEAH NICHOLE!!!"

 

It was exhilarating. The most amazing feeling ever.

 

And so I pushed it.

 

Hard.

 

Crossing that finish line was full of so many different emotions. I was so overwhelmed by them I began to cry. I had finally accomplished my dream of running a tri. I had done it.

I was finally able to say that I did it.

To me this triathlon symbolized so much. It's hard to actually explain it in words. Losing almost 60 pounds, with another 40 to go- this was almost a different type of finish line for me. Like, I'm almost there- don't give up yet! So close. :)

I still am so amazed by this accomplishment.

And so here I am today writing my story down for myself, my friends/ readers, and my children- My goal was 2 hours and 15 minutes.

I crossed the finish line at 1 hour and 48 minutes.



IF YOU WANT IT- YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. You just have to believe it- and you can do anything you put your heart to.

Love Nikki.

T-22 Hours till RACE DAY!

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I have bile rising up from the back of my throat as I sit here and type this...

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I may or may not have IBS just THINKING about tomorrow and the triathlon.

I would lying if I didn't tell you I may or may not have almost jumped into a pile or boulders yesterday to avoid tomorrow all together. (Don't worry, it was mostly on accident when me and two girl friends floated the river last night... ha!)

And I definitely would be lying if I didn't tell you that even with all the fear and horrible side effects of the stress, I am SOOOO FREAKING STOKED AND PUMPED it is OUT of this World!!!

Soooo... YEAH. That's pretty much how I feel about tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck y'all. Cause my bowels could use it. :)

Love Nikki